Perchance to Sleep

If you get more than one mom in a room, there is going to be talk of sleep--your lack of it, the kids' odd schedules, "crying-it-out," co-sleeping, and above all the proverbial "normal," which doesn't actually exist. Just this morning, when my friend with two kids was over, we--two moms with almost 4 years each of nap-and-bedtime experience (that's actually 12 years total: 8 for me and 4 for her)--ended up analyzing her baby's nap schedule and trying to figure out if she was going to drop one. I couldn't help but remember the recent Motherlode discussion on sleep schedules and the diversity of opinions generated by the guest blogger's queries about infants and sleep.

I'll state, for the proverbial record, that we were schedule moms. We tried the on-demand thing, loved the touchy-feely idea of letting baby set his AND her own schedule, responding to their bodies' needs. But folks, that just didn't work too well for twins and us. At one point in those first months, we were breastfeeding, pumping, and bottle-feeding (long and the short of it, I had no milk but we desperately kept trying, hence the first two steps, regardless of how useless they turned out to be, even with all the supplements and special teas) two children separately every two hours--and not the same two hours. And sometimes, they'd wake up in between because they had undiagnosed reflux. Which meant they would then catnap all day, too, exhausted. It goes without saying that this system didn't last long. So we ended up with schedules and charts for eating and sleeping. And the kids got older and we settled into a semblance of a schedule. Though, they were never good nappers--I've been on every backroad in Connecticut, and some in upstate New York and over the border in Massachusetts, trying to get those kids some decent sleep. In the end, they just wanted to sleep at night. And they've risen at 6 or 6:30 almost everyday of their lives, regardless of the time they go to bed. So, without real consistent naps, it didn't take long for us to realize bedtime had better be early. And my kids still go to bed between 6:30 and 7 (which means sometimes Mama only sees them for 10 minutes), after an extremely ritualized bedtime (bath, stories, singing, and evolving elaborate tuck-in with happy thoughts) and then sleep through, with no sleep issues, til morning. Knock on wood. Sure, Mama and I don't get out much (though on those rare occasions we do go out, the kids don't even know we're gone, because we leave after bedtime. More on parental romance in another post), but we have a lot of quality time at home to do whatever needs doing, or not. Works. For us. I don't think it would work for Motherlode's guest blogger, though.

I am never a more rational, relaxed, live-and-let-live mom than when I am asked to give advice to other moms about sleep and the like (note I said "asked"--I try not to give unsolicited advice in person, even if I have opinions that are often expressed in this blog). And my answer, inevitably, is do what works for you. And you means, first, your kids, and by extension, you (we're parents, the kids come first right now. Not first exclusively--I get to be first sometimes--but first in general). Don't know what that is? Try something for a little while (and that means more than a week). And if that doesn't work, try something else. Ignore people who give unsolicited advice expounding their way of doing things--they just want someone else to do it so they can feel validated in their approach. Even, my friend, your mom, who comes in, takes over, and is critical of the way you do everything, with the implicit support of your husband. Not ready to potty train? Don't. Don't care if your son has a binkie? Fine with me. I like you, I like your kids. I have enough to do with my own that I can't analyze and criticize you and yours. And I'm not into judging, lest, well, I do live in a glass house.

But I understand the need to ask for advice, to check how everyone is doing everything. I was never more happy than to be past the breastfeeding, napping, and potty-training stages so I could quit worrying about the way I was doing it. We spend way too much time as moms worrying about these stages that eventually, and rather quickly, pass. I have a theory about moms like me today. We weren't raised to be moms. We were raised to be anything and everything and not exclusively trained to be moms as many were in the generations before us. Because of this, we are a). not as familiar with the rigors and techniques of motherhood as our predecessors (which I think is why we are so open to all sorts of parenting strategies and easy prey to an industry trying to sell us things and theories) and b). full of expectations for ourselves outside of motherhood (or, at the least, adapting our goals and ambitions and strategies from our other, often professional selves, to motherhood). It's a dangerous cocktail, full of doubt, longing, ambition, confusion, that leaves us hungover often. Especially because we never get enough sleep.