WOOT!

I've been accepted to the Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) program for the spring!!!!  Yay!  I'm very excited, though I'm also a bit apprehensive about juggling 400 hours in five months, plus parenting.  But the kids are older and I have their support and Mama's.  I really can't wait.  I've even started my "things to do before CPE" list.  Yay!!!

Belated Thanksgiving

What a wonderfully odd Thanksgiving we had!  I didn't cook the meal, for the first time in something like 20 years.  My BIL Goo cooked.  On Saturday.

And it was marvelous.

He mainly cooked my recipes, but he did a few of his owns.  Lots of appetizers, most of them cheese.  He had a cheese platter, a bake brie, a traditional caprese platter, crackers with salmon and cheese and dill, dates stuffed with goat cheese and pecans.  Plus the Chex Mix I brought.  It's a good thing the turkey took extra long so that we could eat a lot of them all!

For the main dinner, we had turkey, dressing, green bean casserole, yams, and cranberry sauce, plus roasted beets with goat cheese and also this amazing roasted squash and kale salad with spiced nuts, cranberries, and maple viniagrette.  I loved the spiced nuts all on their own, but they were especially good on the salad.  Sis ate the squash all alone.  The green bean casserole was made with French cut beans, which cooked more easily.  

And it really was delightful not to cook, not to host.  I helped, of course, as did we all.  Sis really enjoyed being in the kitchen with Goo.  She made the gravy all by herself and helped with the yams and pumpkin pasties.  Bud helped with the beets.  Goo is really good about teaching and guiding the kids, and worked with them on knife skills ("open stance," how to hold the knife, proper ettiquette.)  And we all chatted all the while.  Goo's kitchen is open to the living room, so that he wasn't cut off from the socializing like we can be at my house.  And, unlike when I cook, he didn't quite clean as he went!  But then he is a bachelor.  And an amazing cook.

I wish it wasn't quite so late when we were done--it was after 9 pm when we finished eating dinner--so that we skipped dessert together and didn't have much time to chat together.  I think we were all tired.  But I'd do it again in a heartbeat.  Maybe he can do Thanksgiving and I can do Christmas.  It would be nice to share.  As Sis noted, I wasn't as grumpy or stressful about cooking.  And that makes the holiday better for all of us.

(Except maybe Goo, who more than once acknowledged that it was a lot of work and he didn't know how I'd done it all those years.  With a lot of help, I'd say, and not as much good grace.)


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Roasted Squash and Kale Salad with Spiced Nuts, Cranberries, and Maple Viniagrette from Serious Eats

• 2 1/2 pounds (1 kilogram, about 1 large or 2 medium) butternut squash, peeled, seeded, quartered, and cut into 1/2-inch pieces
• 1/2 cup (120 ml) extra-virgin olive oil, divided
• Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
• 1 large bunch (about 8 ounces; 250 grams) lacinato or curly kale
• 1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 1/2 teaspoon paprika
• 1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
• Pinch ground cloves
• Pinch cayenne pepper
• 1 tablespoon light brown sugar
• 1 1/2 cups (about 8 ounces; 250 grams) pecans
• 1 small shallot, finely minced (about 2 tablespoons; 20 grams)
• 2 tablespoons (30 milliliters) maple syrup
• 1 tablespoon (10 grams) whole grain mustard
• 1 tablespoon (15 milliliters) sherry vinegar
• 1 cup (about 6 ounces; 200 grams) dried cranberries or cherries

1. 1.
   Adjust oven rack to center position and preheat oven to 400°F. Toss squash pieces with 2 tablespoons (30 ml) olive oil and season with salt and pepper. Arrange in a single layer on a foil-lined rimmed baking sheet. Bake until squash is tender throughout and well browned around the edges, 45 minutes to 1 hour. Remove from oven and allow to cool completely before attempting to remove from foil. Carefully remove squash from foil using a thin metal spatula and transfer to a large bowl. Set aside.
2. 2.
   Meanwhile, pick leaves off of kale stems into a large bowl and roughly tear with hands; discard stems. Drizzle with 1 tablespoon (15 ml) olive oil, season with salt and pepper, and massage until well-coated in oil. Transfer to a foil-lined rimmed baking sheet and bake until wilted and crisp in some spots, about 10 minutes. Remove from oven and transfer to bowl with squash.
3. 3.
   Combine cinnamon, paprika, nutmeg, cloves, cayenne pepper, and brown sugar in a large bowl. Add nuts and 1 tablespoon olive oil (15 ml), season with salt and pepper, and toss to coat. Transfer to a rimmed baking sheet and bake until toasted, about 5 minutes. Remove from oven, allow to cool slightly, then add to bowl with squash and kale.
4. 4.
   In a medium bowl, whisk together shallot, maple syrup, mustard, and vinegar. Whisking constantly, drizzle in remaining 1/4 cup (60 ml) olive oil. Season to taste with salt and pepper.
5. 5.
   Add cranberries to bowl with squash, kale, and nuts. Toss with half of dressing, taste, and add more dressing as desired. The dressed salad can be stored in the refrigerator for up to 5 days. Let it come to room temperature or briefly microwave until warm before serving.

Today's Surprise

What a day.  It started with FB posts about the death of a bright star in our local firmament.  I'm not upset by hearing about it online--it's no harder for me than a phone call or newspaper obituary--just sad in general, as I explained in an earlier post.

And so I stayed home from hospice, because I was down and a bit teary.  My chaplain supervisor encourages us to take time for things like this.  So I did.

I went to PT, getting in because of a canceled appointment, and then ran some errands.  I got home around 12:40 and logged in . . . only to find an email asking if I could confirm for my CPE interview--TODAY, at 1 PM!  Apparently, I'd missed the initial email last week.  And so I said yes, even though I had no preparation.

I interviewed with a chaplain at an NYC hospital and two other applicants via video conferencing (thank heavens my laptop was charged and easily compatible!)  I've had interviews but never a group interview (and I don't usually like skype/facetime stuff.)  And there was a mock verbatim for us to discuss and analyze.  My analysis differed significantly from the others (one who was a minister, another who had a DDiv!), which made me a little nervous.  But the interviewer said he sided with me and thought the chaplain in the mock scenario was avoiding and denying issues raised with the patient.  Whew.  Now I'm even more excited about the possibility of CPE, about which I hope to hear soon.

Coincidentally, the woman who died had received treatment at the interviewer's hospital, though I don't know if she knew the chaplain. And I wouldn't have been home except . . . .

Rest in Peace

I checked FB this morning and discovered that an acquaintance who has children the same age as mine had died this morning, after five years of advanced colon cancer.  She had a bright and kind smile that I will always remember.  I had been following her journey on mostly on FB (conversation was much lighter in person), each devastating update, never any really good news.  It was a very hard road for her. I am sad this morning for her, for her severe pain and suffering these last months and years, but especially for the young blond boy who was in class with my kids.  But I hurt for her because she won't get to see him grow up.  I'm sad for any mom who has to leave "early," knowing that most of my reactions are about loss and mortality in general, not just about her.  But I'm glad she's past the pain. And I am so sorry for her family and many friends. May she be at peace.  May her family and friends be comforted.

Bake Off!

We're not cooking Thanksgiving, but we have tried some new recipes recently. In fact, Sis is a baking fiend. She's on Pinterest a lot, choosing recipes, planning what to make next. We even had a Great Brownie Bake-Off; she made our regular recipe and I made Mama Teacher's special brownies. It was a tie, but the fun part was pretending we were on the Great British Bake Off, one of our favorite shows--Bud even interviewed us! She makes great crepes, especially in our new ceramic non-stick skillet, and has a recent thing for micorwavable mug cakes, which I don't quite understand. 

Perhaps she should start her own baking blog!

Mama Teacher's Special Brownies

1 pkg. (4 oz.) BAKER'S Unsweetened Chocolate 




3/4 cup butter or margarine 



2 cups sugar 



3 eggs 



1 tsp. vanilla 



1 cup flour 




Heat oven to 350°F. Line 13x9-inch pan with aluminum foil with ends of foil extending over sides. 

Spray foil with cooking spray.

Microwave chocolate and butter in large microwaveable bowl on HIGH 2 min. or until butter is

melted. Stir until chocolate is completely melted. Stir in sugar. Blend in eggs and vanilla. Add flour

and nuts; mix well. Pour into prepared pan.

Bake 30 to 35 min. or until toothpick inserted in center comes out with fudgy crumbs. (Do not

overbake.) Cool completely. Use foil handles to remove brownies from pan before cutting to serve.

Molten Nutella Lava Mug Cake

• from Kirbie's Cravings
• 4 tbsp all purpose flour
• 1/4 tsp baking powder
• 1/4 cup Nutella
• 3 tbsp fat free milk

Preheat oven to 350F. In an oven-safe mug (it won't rise too high, so an 8 oz is fine), add all four ingredients. Mix with a mini whisk vigorously until batter is completely mixed and smooth.

Place mug on a baking sheet and then place into oven. Bake for approximately 16-18 minutes (mine took exactly 17 1/2 minutes). Watch the cake carefully towards the end. You want the cake to have puffed up except the center, which should still look dark and not completely set (but no longer wet, like photo above). Let cake cool a few moments before eating. You can top with powdered sugar and eat with ice cream if desired.

Molten Chocolate Lava Mug Cake
from Girl on Gourmet

2 tablespoons butter, melted and cooled
1 egg
3 tablespoons heavy cream
3 tablespoons all-purpose flour
4 tablespoons granulated sugar
2 tablespoons unsweetened baking cocoa
1/4 teaspoon vanilla
1 pinch of salt
3 tablespoons semi-sweet chocolate chips

1/4 cup vanilla bean ice cream (optional)

Combine the butter, egg, and cream together in a coffee mug until well combined. Add the flour and sugar and keep stirring. Add the cocoa, vanilla, and salt and stir until just combined. Stir in the chocolate chips.
Place the mug in a microwave and cook for 2 minutes. Remove the mug from the microwave and let it sit for a few minutes to cool.
Top the cake with the ice cream, grab a spoon, and dig in.

Sis's #1 Crepes

from Sweet as Honey

1 3/4 cup all-purpose flour (230g)
3 eggs
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon vanilla extract optional
1 teaspoon white sugar optional
2 cups milk
2 tablespoons butter melted or vegetable oil of your choice

In a large bowl add the flour, eggs, salt, vanilla extract, melted butter and sugar if used.

Using a whisk or electric mixer, beat in the milk gradually until a smooth batter form with no lumps.
Heat a lightly buttered crepes pan over medium/high heat.
Pour or scoop the batter onto the pan, then tip and rotate the pan to spread batter as thinly as possible.

Brown on both sides about 1-2 minutes on each sides and serve hot with your favorite fillings

Recipe Notes

Store: you can cook all the crepes then store them in the fridge, on a plate covered with plastic wrap. It store well up to 2 days.

Filling ideas: jam, chocolate spread, honey, maple syrup, apple compote, fruits, nut butters, whipped cream, ice cream, nuts, coconut and more!

Chocolate Lava Cakes

from Sally's Baking Addiction

6 ounces (170g) high quality semi-sweet chocolate
1/2 cup (115g; 1 stick) unsalted butter
1/4 cup (31g) all-purpose flour
1/2 cup (60g) confectioners' sugar
1/8 teaspoon salt
2 large eggs
2 large egg yolks²
optional for topping: ice cream, raspberries, and/or chocolate syrup

Spray each ramekin with nonstick cooking spray and dust with cocoa powder. This ensures the cakes will seamlessly come out of the ramekins when inverted onto a plate in step 7. *Or spray half of a 12-count muffin pan and dust with cocoa powder. If baking in a muffin pan, the recipe will yield 6 cakes.

Preheat oven to 425°F (218°C).

Coarsely chop the chocolate. Place butter into a medium heat-proof bowl, then add chopped chocolate on top. Microwave on high in 10 second increments, stirring after each until completely smooth. Set aside.

Whisk the flour, confectioners' sugar, and salt together in a small bowl. Whisk the eggs and egg yolks together until combined in another small bowl. Pour the flour mixture and eggs into the bowl of chocolate. Slowly stir everything together using a rubber spatula or wooden spoon. If there are any lumps, gently use your whisk to rid them. The batter will be slightly thick.

Spoon chocolate batter evenly into each prepared ramekin or muffin cup.

Place ramekins onto a baking sheet and bake for 12-14 minutes until the sides appear solid and firm-- the tops will still look soft. *If baking in a muffin pan, the cakes only take about 8-10 minutes.
Allow to cool for 1 minute, then cover each with an inverted plate and turn over. Use an oven mitt because those ramekins are hot! The cakes should release easily from the ramekin. *If you used a muffin pan, use a spoon to release the cakes from the pan and place each upside down on plates.
Add toppings. Serve immediately.

Make ahead tip and freezing: You can prepare the batter through step 4. Cover tightly and refrigerate for up to 2 days. Allow to come to room temperature before continuing with step 5. You can freeze the baked lava cakes for up to 3 months. Allow them to cool completely before freezing. Re-heat in the microwave.

Recipe Notes:

Make sure to use high quality chocolate, not chocolate chips. You won't have much "lava" with chocolate chips! I suggest high quality chocolate baking bars sold in the baking aisle such as Baker's, Ghirardelli, Nestle, or Lindt. They're all typically sold in 4 ounce bars, so you will need 1 and 1/2 bars total.

A note on the eggs-- for this recipe, you need 2 whole eggs plus an addition 2 egg yolks. After 10-14 minutes in an oven this hot, the eggs should be cooked to 160°F which is considered safe to eat. If you're concerned, you can take the temperature to be sure!

At the End

My hospice patient, who broke her leg a few weeks ago, is declining.  And now she has a bad cold which compromises her breathing.  She was exhausted and uncomfortable.  It hurt to see her.  And I'm not sure I'll see her again.  So I said goodbye to her as I left, wishing her ease and peace.

I've had a lot of touching experiences at my in-patient hospice job in the last week or so--laughing with a patient and her friends who I interrupted during "girl talk" (they worried that they'd shocked me), admiring a man's dogs with him and his partner, listening to a daughter talk about her dying dad as her best friend, listening to several children describe the family reunions of their large and close family of which their mom was the matriarch, talking to a family member about embracing the goodness of life even in the dark times.

Lambeth thinks I'm morbid for thinking about the end of my life so much, but I think perhaps it's a way of understanding death, and therefore life, in some small way.  And I don't want to leave my family or myself less prepared than they could be (though of course, you're hardly ever really prepared and it's hard regardless.)

Some things I see as a chaplain:

• chaplains and various staff notice if there are no flowers or photos by the bedside--those things, as much as visitors, indicates support and love of the patient.  So, bring on the flowers and photos, blankets and stuffed animals, cards and signs.  One of my patients has a digital photo frame which holds many photos of her loved ones;
• a tip from a social-worker friend of mine: even if a patient can't eat or drink, sometimes they can still taste--swab their mouths with a favorite drink or flavor.  I don't know what mine would be; I can think of several (chai, chocolate, vanilla pound cake);
• to continue the tour of the senses, I must mention hearing, which is supposedly the last to go.  Favorite music on a player, favorite movie on the tv, someone reading a favorite book--these all bring smiles.  I routinely sing to hospice patients and they love it (and think I have a pretty voice, which is kind);

-=-=-=-=-

I wrote the above after my visit last week; my hospice patient is still hanging on and so I will see her tomorrow.  I didn't finishe it because I was focused on my CPE application, which I submitted today.  If all goes well--and I don't know how long it will take for me to hear--I should start in February.  

A friend of mine is having a double masectomy today to fight an aggressive breast cancer.  I've been thinking of her and all of the people struggling this holiday season.  There were a lot of family and friends at hospice this morning, visiting patients.  But one of the patients whose daughter I'd talked to several times had died.  And I think of my uncle and his widow.  And the woman in town struggling with advanced cancer.  And the family I took a meal to as part of my church lay ministry.  

And so I've been saving tonglen meditation.  Tonglen is a Tibetan practice with three parts where you open your heart, breathe in grief etc./breathe out love etc., and then breathe for a specific person or incident.

I breathe in darkness; I breathe out light.I breathe in suffocating, dank heat; I breathe out a refreshing breeze.I breathe in fetid, foul air; I breathe out freshness, the scent of the spring.I breathe in fear; I breathe out strength.I breathe in grief; I breathe out comfort.I breathe in despair; I breathe out hope.I breathe in hospitals; I breathe out home.I breathe in crisis ; I breathe out peace.

Thanksgiving Week

I keep forgetting that it's Thanksgiving because I'm not cooking the big dinner this year.  My brother-in-law is!  He's got his own place now and more free time and so he wanted to host.  And I'm thrilled.  Though, I kept forgetting that Thanksgiving was this week.  I'm sure we'll help with the cooking.  Sis has promised to bring the rolls; I'm thinking of baking an almond cake that we like.

Family dinner isn't until Saturday, though, so we'll spend Thursday in our pjs, watching the parade, and eating some food we have ordered from a local soul food place.  Mama wants to get out the Christmas decorations and be ready early this year (which makes sense because we don't have many free days in December.)  We'll see if we muster that much energy.

The kids had energy on Sunday and helped make 200+ pies for a local soup kitchen with the children's service team at church!  It's one of our favorite service projects.

Wishing you and yours a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Prayers for Mommy Goose

My friend, Mommy Goose, I pray for a successful surgery and easy-as-possible recovery on Monday.  We love you and are thinking of you.

May you be strong.  May you be healed.  May you be comforted.  May you be free from suffering.

May your family be strong.  May your family be comforted.  May your family be free from suffering.

Planning for the Ending after the End

My uncle has been laid to rest, in a two-day combination of memorial service, visitation, and graveside service, with a BBQ meal after.  My mom and her siblings helped my aunt plan the services and write the obituary, all of which was made more difficult by the fact that none of it had been discussed beforehand with my uncle, and that my aunt and uncle didn't belong to a faith community or identify with any particular cultural traditions.   So everything had to be designed from scratch, from service to venue to officiant; I'm sure it was exhausting.  But I understand that they helped each other, made the tough choices, and created a lovely celebration of my uncle's life.

As my mom has long said, funerals are for the survivors.  But I do think it helps ease the mind of the main mourners if the service reflects or even has input from the deceased.  My folks are not interested in church or religious funerals for themselves, obviously.  In fact, my dad says his obituary can read "1940- [date]," which doesn't really make for a great remembrance, so unless he leaves us one, we'll have to write it.  My mom, as she frequently explains, is interested in the dash between the dates, so I can see some kind of celebration with lots of photographs and an obituary with lots of detail (not just dates, places, and survivors.)  Both talk about being sprinkled somewhere (over the duck pond at Wildwood for my dad), so gravesites and stones aren't in the cards.  My mom has never believed in leaving flowers in cemeteries anyway; she always buys herself a poinsettia for Christmas and lily for Easter instead of leaving them at her parents' graves.

I've already tried my hand at my own obituary; it definitely needs to be amended and shortened.  I'd love to write an ethical will  to leave behind, beyond just my distribution of belongings.   And I've thought before, often when I'm waiting for a funeral to begin or I'm leaving a wake, about what I want by way of comemoration.  I like UU funerals--some music, some readings ("Wild Geese" by Wendell Barry, or Mary Oliver's precious life poem), an Order of Service with a picture and a favorite quote or poem, a short eulogy, the invitation for attendees to share a story.  I remember music playing as people gathered for my paternal grandmother's funeral, gentle Christmas tunes as she died in December about a week before Christmas.  I'd love to have a selection of music playing as people gathered--things I like (musicals, Indigo Girls, Wham!, who knows)--and maybe accompanying a slideshow (like in Love Actually.)  Maybe give people a CD of the music (or the contemporary music tech.)  And pass outsome of my books that my family aren't keeping, with a special bookplate.  Or a copy of my favorite recipes.  Yes, I like the idea of funeral favors, not just little prayer cards.  There should be food.  Lots of food and drink, perhaps in the church social hall, though I go back and forth from a real dinner to just a dessert bar.  I would love it if people hung out and really talked, not just nibbled and left.  I do like the Jewish tradition of sitting shiva, a casual and informal gathering in support of the family, with food, conversation, a few readings.   I go back and forth about what do do with my body--I love old cemeteries and headstones but also feel that they are a waste of land and resources (all that fertilizer and water!) that few visit anymore; still, I might like being buried under a bench with a quote as a headstone so people could sit comfortably and enjoy the view--let it be pretty.  The idea of cremation gives me the heebiejeebies because of the fire, but I don't mind being ashes.  And then there are all these new ideas--being buried as a tree, being "bio-cremated" with alkali not fire, etc.  I don't mind being sprinkled anywhere (not sure where exactly?) or being in a pretty cannister (something Wedgewood-esque would be perfect.)  And leave my Facebook page and blog up as a memorial.

So I guess I have given it all some thought, which I think is a good thing.  Have you?

The Unexpected

Just a quick note to explain the last week or so:  my Uncle died suddenly, which was a surprise despite his being ill the last few years, and so my mom's trip to visit was canceled--just as she arrived at the airport up here--so that she could return to support her sister through this devastating loss. A big shout-out to Granny Quinn for helping out during the initial chaos; you are a true friend!

About the same time, we got word that my mother-in-law needs rather emergency eye surgery, for glaucoma-like symptoms have built up in her eye since her last eye surgery (Lambeth, I know that will sound familiar.)  That surgery is tomorrow.

So, instead of a happy, fun-filled visit, we had some tears, worries, and Mama under the weather with a head cold--though at least my back is giving me no more trouble, another quite unexpected happening, and I am pretty much back to normal, cautiously optimistic.

And we went to see Thor Ragnorak as compensation, which we really thoroughly enjoyed.

Plus, happy birthday to my sister, Aunt Banana!

Gommie is Coming!

My mom will be here tomorrow through Wednesday.  It's her annual fall trip, though it didn't feel much like fall today at 70F.  We'll be taking it easy--she turned her ankle last week at Wildwood.  So between her bum foot and my back, which is much better, we aren't up for the kind of huge fall trip we took a year or so ago in Vermont.  Besides, my dad's not coming.  I think he's waiting for the spring visit.  Because, for the first time, we won't be seeing them in December.  Short school vacations coupled with high airline prices plus it's Aunt Banana's year to have them on the actual day just meant that a holiday trip didn't make sense.

Yep, changes . . .

Plus, this is the first year I'm not cooking Thanksgiving dinner!  Nope, my brother-in-law Goo has his own place, his own kitchen, and now his own feast to prepare.  To accomodate his doctor schedule, we'll be celebrating on Saturday.  Which means we can sit around in PJs watching the parade, a stress-free day.  Change can be good.