Valuing the Kidddos

One of my favorite authors, Karen Maezen Miller, of Momma Zen, has launched a new website, timed for the release of her (much-anticipated in my house) new book, Hand Wash Cold: Care Instructions for an Ordinary Life. Today's blogpost, titled "Valuing the Child," culminated a trend I have sensed here at home.

It began about a week ago, with Sis repeatedly urging Mama and I to "come on." That phrase drives me nuts. Especially from a kid. When I'm trying my best. And I heard Mama, who is equally frustrated by it, "Sis, I bet we say that to you a lot and you don't like it much." "No, I don't." Touché.

And then, the other night, as we were getting ready for bed--the clock was green and counting down to the end of the bedtime ritual--Sis cried, "He always gets more books!" Mama told her that was because he gets dressed first. "But I like to take my time," she protested.

Yesterday, we were hoping to go outside, at the kids' request, but they were dragging their feet about getting all the snow gear on. So I told them I was going to set the timer and if we weren't ready or at least making progress, we weren't going out. Immediate tears from both kids. "Mom, I can't get dressed fast," Bud cried.

And I remembered Miller's post:

"Not to expect.

Not to push.
Not to accelerate. . . .

To value a child is to value them as they are. To support them where they are.
To show them the immeasurable and eternal value of love."

Sure, I had been using all my good NVC giraffe language much of the time, explaining to them what I wanted (fun, play, connection, cooperation) and how it made me feel when they didn't share this need (anger, sad, frustrated, annoyed). But I have been forgetting the point of both NVC and "valuing the child" this last week or so: it's not about nice strategies to get what I want, but about respecting the kids and connecting with them to meet both of our needs, to acknowledge and then value them as they are (I should add, in hopes that one day, they can do the same for me and everyone around them). And all the rush and pushing and "come ons" haven't been effective strategies for meeting anyone's needs. Especially because I don't really want to rush this part of their lives, of my life--I want to value our time together. And so I start again, because as Miller notes, we are always growing.