No, no, I'm a good driver! And, knock wood, I haven't gotten that kind of ticket in 20 years.
This is a different kind of ticket, part of a rewards system we've instituted, based upon an amalgam of plans that Mama Teacher implements at home and at school, with such arcane and Byzantine rules that only vested 5-year olds can keep track!
The kids get a ticket (a colored piece of index card with a stamp of a bunny or penguin):
- if they complete their checklists and other tasks as assigned without any undue delay;
- on a surprise basis based on their behavior, but--and here's the trick--they can't do things specifically to earn tickets; in other words, we "catch them out" in good deeds and reward them accordingly (like when Bud brought in both their backpacks from the car or Sis did the same with their lunch kits);
- for positive behaviors above and beyond the call of duty, like following directions and holding it together during the hailstorm that sent us to the basement
- and my favorite, for "trading in" old toys they no longer use, understanding completely that the toys go away to other kids; if the toy is used by both, they split the value and must agree.
Tickets are never taken away. However, "outs" are given if something egregious occurs--three "strikes" (warnings to stop), or violence--and if you get three outs, you don't get to shop that week. Tickets can be redeemed at the weekly "family store," held on Sunday afternoons. Objects are priced from 1 ticket to 20. The kiddos generally earn about 7-10 tickets a week and are encouraged to save tickets from week to week to get the, literally, "bigger ticket" items (which this week include a small Playmobil knight set and a Calico Critter furniture set; think about a dollar per ticket, on average, but not exactly). We are also working on having non-thing choices, such as an outing alone with a parent, a meal at a restaurant, some kind of activity. But no candy and no stuffed critters. Period.
My favorite part is when the kids are close but not quite to the number of tickets they need to trade in for something they want. So, they run around the house looking for old toys to offload, as I make suggestions based on what I know they don't use and what I'm keen to get rid of. I feel like an auctioneer, "I'll give you three tickets for the puzzle, three tickets, going, going, gone!"
Another caveat--see, I told you this was convoluted--kids can help us choose what goes in the store. For instance, we were at the Ren Faire on Saturday (more on that soon) and Bud wanted a siege tower but it was above our standard allowance of the equivalent of the admission fee for souvenirs, and so he bargained with Mama to have it purchased for the store so that he could trade in tickets for it on Sunday. And it worked. Brilliantly.
Okay, I've told you what and how, but not why. Which is as murky as the rules above and emerged for a variety of disparate reasons. First, we realize that we have too much stuff and are, perhaps as older parents who like to buy things (especially the parent who works!), always thinking of things to get the kids. But we want to discourage the "greedy gimmes," and have the kiddos understand that sometimes they need to earn their things and not just feel entitled to having everything they want. While still letting them have things. But without real money and an allowance involved, since they don't really understand the value of money yet. Call this a pre-allowance project. Secondly, we were keen to encourage them to let go of things they didn't use and to think about what they really wanted.
But I had real reservations about a). rewarding them for what I feel like they should be doing anyway as healthy, responsible individuals (like brushing their teeth) and as part of the family (like picking up their dirty clothes) and b). using tickets as a bribe for discipline and good behavior, which goes against all my NVC training on respecting the individual, establishing a connection, making requests, communicating, etc (instead of threatening punishment and offering rewards, which is really only short term). While Mrs. Director assuaged my concerns on the former, suggesting that because we all function as a family, we all get to share in some of the family reward and that it's not a one-to-one correlation between, say, unloading the dishwasher and getting the ticket exactly, I'm still hesitant about the latter, especially when they do things just to get the tickets, not because it's "right" or "good."
Sigh.
But as Mrs. Director points out, this works now--and it does, by "works" I mean curbs our propensity for stuff and encourages positive, responsible behaviors--but it won't work later so we'll try something new then. Frankly, I like the multifacetedness (I know, not a real world) of the plan.
Still, I try to do our jackal and giraffe talks (a la NVC) as the opportunity arises, encouraging talks about feelings and needs and how these are met and unmet as we interact.
Right before I give out the tickets!
