Roughhousing

I had an epiphany this morning when my friend "church Miss L" came over with her two girls and boy: I'm not at all comfortable with roughhousing, or really any rambunctious play. See, all her two girls and my kiddos decided to dance and ice skate on our currently slippery kitchen floor (we thought it was slippery because it was dirty; Miss L contends it might just be too clean because of the steam mop. Who would have figured?). Then they began sliding the length of the kitchen on their knees, sometimes in a row, like a toboggan, so I termed it "tobogganing."

And it made me exceedingly nervous. But Miss L was okay. And the kids were having a great time. No injuries. No real danger. See, Miss L's kids are more active than ours and so she has a higher tolerance for more physical play. And so I drew from her confidence and let them play, instead of interceding, as an experiment. She had told me there was a study that children who receive such sensory input are actually less likely to roughhouse with other kids. And tussling and such has been on the rise here, with Sis and Bud overdoing it and hurting each other and Mama and I refereeing too much, when we know the kids need to learn to police themselves. But we're both uncomfortable with the tussling, the possibility of their getting hurt, but really, I think, with the naked physical aggression of it all. And the danger. Did I mention the danger? I am extremely physically cautious, as is Mama, though not as much. We have a safe word, "calf rope," which means let go and stop right now, but the kids forget to use it, even if it is respected when they remember to call it out. Usually the kid on the bottom just starts screaming. Not a good use of "your words." Obviously, it's something we need to work on (along with all the tattling to mommies instead of working it out on your own, for which I've gotten a lot of good advice, basically telling the kids to talk to each other and express their feelings and ask for what they need; I get involved if someone is or can be hurt physically or emotionally. Otherwise, DIY. Of course, at this age, I still have to facilitate their talking to each other, but that's okay.)

So I stood back and watched, well, maybe not so far "back." And I started wondering if this might not be the main arena where our kids are at a disadvantage at having two rather sedate and cerebral mommies instead of either a more active mommy or an active daddy. The stereotype is, of course, that men roughhouse more, play more actively and aggressively, are just more physical (is it nature? nurture? Who knows, who cares--it's a difference. I noticed it with Uncle Soccer in October, just a more physical interaction. But, then, I don't see it much with Goo, who is more like Mama and me, I suspect.). Anyway, does that mean we need to be more lenient about the physical play, letting them do things like toboganning more? (and you should have heard the sound of unhappiness when I told Mama about our morning activity.) Do I need to become more adept at roughhousing? How do I just stand back and watch, even allow the minor scrape and bruise and tears, in an attempt to let them explore this side of themselves? When do you get involved? When they're bleeding? Just before? What is too dangerous? Can they run in the house? Should they be able to toboggan? (this is mainly of import during the winter when it is often too messy to play outside at length.) How much sensory input is enough? For this morning, I took my cues from Miss L, who is much more used to this, but now what?

Ooooh, I can feel my rules bending and my mind stretching. And I'm not comfortable at all.

But I am very glad you and your kids came over to play this morning, Miss L!