Mourning for Myself

Remember Me

To the living, I am gone.
To the sorrowful, I will never return.
To the angry, I was cheated.
But to the happy, I am at peace.
And to the faithful, I have never left.
I can not speak, but I can listen.
I can not be seen, but I can be heard.
So as you stand upon a shore,
Gazing at a beautiful sea…remember me.
As you look in awe at a mighty forest
And its grand majesty...remember me.
As you glance at a flower and admire its
Simplicity...remember me.
Remember me in your heart, your thoughts,
And your memories of the times we loved,
The times we cried, the times we fought,
The times we laughed.
For if you always think of me,
I will never have gone.

---Debbie Ann Walters

I always cry at funerals and today, where I was only on a nodding acquaintance with the deceased, was no exception. Even though I was not mourning the loss of his presence in my life, specifically, I was recognizing his death, honoring his memory, celebrating his life, companioning his survivors, by attending his funeral. I think it's important to attend the services for my fellow congregants--a sign of respect, of connection, of community--even if I don't know them well.

So, yesterday in anticipation, the kids and I baked double-chocolate chip cookies (though they didn't know why I needed half of them), and I took the overflowing platter with me this afternoon to grace the funerary table, along with numerous other church offerings.

But I forgot my tissues. I always seem to, until the moment I'm sitting there and the funeral starts and my tears begin to flow. I cry at the beauty of the music, the inspiration of the readings, the grief of the family, the memories of the eulogy, the touching reflections of the attendees (UUs often invite family and friends to speak spontaneously about the deceased, thus UU funerals can be 1 1/2+ hours sometimes. We are a wordy bunch). Today;s memorial service (in truth, not an actual funeral) was especially touching, as it included my favorite hymn (#21, "For the Beauty of the Earth", UU-style with the "Source of all" instead of "Lord above"), several bagpipe pieces such as "Amazing Grace," a military tribute with a gun salute and "Taps" and the whole presentation of the flag, a violin-piano rendition of "Ashokan Farewell," even Dvorak's Largo, often called "Going Home," from the New World Symphony.

Perhaps morbidly, I find myself considering, not what happens after death, about which I'm not too concerned as I don't think we can ever know, or even the possibilities of my own death (the fact of which I am certain, the details of which will be a mystery until they reveal themselves), but my own funeral--live music sounds wonderful but I like my favorite Indigo Girls and showtunes, too, so which one (hmmm, a CD of my favorite songs playing as people arrive--and give them all a copy)? And which hymns? And which readings? I like a huge reception afterwards with lots of food, so should it be held in time for lunch? Potluck not just catered, for the homey touch--and share those recipes! Of course, most of this doesn't really matter to me--funerals are for the living more than the dead--for the contemplation of both death and life, ours and theirs, before and after--and so I leave most of the decisions up to my survivors (I've tried to make some choices and have filled out the church form numerous times, never being able to decide. Just cremate me, have a get together, and eat a lot. I leave the rest to whomever. And no, I don't think this is imminent, but I like to be prepared, even partially). And I try not to think of the funerals I'll probably have a hand in planning. Or, heaven forbid, funerals I don't ever want to have to attend, mainly those of my children. Much less the actual deaths at the focus of the grieving. It's actually safer and more comforting to think on the specifics of my service. But all of it crosses my mind, if even briefly, during the span of the ceremony. So, the tears. For the deceased, his survivors, my friends and family, me.

And so I end with a reading from today, from a poem by Bessie Stanley (not Ralph Waldo Emerson):

To laugh often and much;

To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;

To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;

To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others;

To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;

To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.

This is to have succeeded.

-=-=-=-=-=

Double-Chocolate Bundt Cake

2 1/4 cups all purpose flour

1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda

1/2 teaspoon baking powder

1/2 salt

3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa

1 teaspoon instant espresso-coffee powder

3/4 cup hot water

2 cups sugar

1/3 cup vegetable oil

2 large egg whites

1 large egg

1 square (1 ounce) unsweetened chocolate, melted

2 teaspoons vanilla extract

1/2 cup buttermilk

Mocha glaze (optional)

1 preheat oven to 350 degrees, grease 12 cup bundt pan.

2 on sheet of waxed paper, stir together flour, baking soda,baking powder and salt.

3 In 2 cup measuring cup, mix cocoa, espresso-coffee powder and hot water until blended, set aside.

4 In large bowl, with mixer at low speed, beat the sugar,oil,egg whites, and whole egg until blended. Increase speed to high beat until creamy, about 2 min. Reduce speed to low, beat in cocoa mixture, chocolate, & vanilla. Add flour mixture alternating with buttermilk, beat just until combined, escraping bowl occasionally .

5 Pour batter into prepared pan. bake 40 minutes, or until toothpick inserted in center of cake comes out clean,Cool in pan on wire rack 10 min..invert into wire rack.

6 meanwhile prepare Mocha Glaze. Place cake on cake plate, pour

glaze over top of cooled cake letting it run down the sides

Mocha Glaze......in medium bowl, combine 1/4 teaspoon instant espresso -coffee, add 2 tablespoons hot water, stir until dissolved. Stir in 3 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa, 3 tablespoons dark corn syrup,2 tablespoons orange liqueur until blended,stir in 1 cup confectioners sugar until smooth.

*** Before I poured the glaze on, I make little perforations with a wooden skewer all over the cake, I made a simple syrup poured Grand Marnier to it and poured it on the cake, let it stand for 20 minutes and then I poured the glaze on, and some orange zest.****

Hope you like it again.