Values weren't something I remember talking about as a kid, not overtly, consciously, specifically. Perhaps it was the rejection of organized religion in a hotbed of Southern Baptist conservatism, but we learned our lessons more subconsciously, without commandments, golden rules, or the like. I've written about some of those lessons here.
But, with the help of church and our UU principles, I talk about family values everyday. And my favorites are the first and last ones, about the inherent worth and dignity of all people and the interconnected web of all life. As I've noted, these are really important when parenting kindergarteners--being nice to others, cleaning up after yourself, you know, Robert Fulghum's "Everything I Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten" (he was a UU minister, you know). It might surprise you, but Mama talks about values at work--yeah, evil corporate America, her "Republican job"--all the time: about goals and tasks aligning with company values and how to prioritize values. It's a very philosophical consideration of why and what you believe and how what you do aligns or doesn't.
And so Mama and I have been talking about values at night together, what our family values are and how sometimes one value overrides others. In general, we value the beliefs stated in the UU principles--the worth and dignity of people, respecting the earth, the importance of searching for truth and justice and knowledge, helping to build a fair and peaceful world. But enacting those values, concretizing the words, is a daily practice. With little ones watching, what I say needs to be what I do. Or I risk teaching the wrong lesson. I've realized that many of my habits aren't actually in line with my values and so it's a process of scrutinizing old habits and learning new. For instance, as I've posted, local, seasonal etc etc etc food is important for the environment and our health, but we still eat out a lot, often at national chains (gasp, sometimes even the big Mc), none of which share our values. They're child-friendly and the food is good enough, but we're trying to reduce those visits. It's a balance between practicality and idealism. We try to remember to keep our values supple and flexible; rigidity has few benefits. Take my vegetarianism: I might not eat meat but I also won't interrogate providers of dishes at potlucks and parties. If it happens to have chicken stock or even bits of beef, I will often partake because I am a member of a community. That's the value of values; they help us live in community together and create the community we want. However, when values isolate us from community (or even more, isolate our community from society at large), I believe they do us a disservice. What service do meals at Mc provide? They allow our children to be aware and part of the dominant culture, even at its lowest denominator. But we'll let them know why we don't do that often. Again, it's like being a vegetarian. Not eating animals is a value I hold but I don't foist that on the kids, allowing them to eat what they will, while carefully explaining why I don't. They can choose later. When they negotiate their own values, hopefully informed by the ones they grew up with, not reacting against them.
That's one of the landmines of stressing values education, reacting against and judging other people's values. We try to respect other people's values, which is a hard one, especially when they deny us or conflict with ours. As a biracial, non-Christian, lesbian household we have witnessed our fair share of negative judgement. "Where did you get those chink kids?" "You can have two mommies. I'm glad my son doesn't." That doesn't even begin to touch on diatribes and invectives exchanged on the national cultural stage and not thrown directly at us. But judgement is dangerous and easy. And conflicts with our values of learning from each other and giving each person a voice. Even when they voice conflicts with mine.
Christmas is a perfect test case for values. I mean, we're a non-Christian family celebrating a specifically Christian holiday. Though we don't hold with all of the tenets of that faith in its many guises, we can embrace the values of family, children, peace, and hope that the season brings. Other examples arise: do we value being environmentally-conscious more or less than we value respecting our kids, specifically their interests in toys (made in sweatshops in Asia)? Okay, sure, phrased that way, you go with "no plastic toys." But that is a difficult reality. Especially to explain to a five-year old who is not quite ready for the overwhelming helpless feeling of slave labor and melting glacial ice. And so we notice, in practice, that our tasks, i.e. buying dragons and stormtroopers, don't always align with our values. So, while they are getting brand-name, movie tie-in, plastic toys for Christmas, they aren't getting as many as they would have, frankly, because it is easier and more fun to buy the toys (and we worry about being so strident that the values we set are wholly rejected later, like the kids who can't eat sugar at home and so gorge everywhere else. Or children who abandon the faith of their parents). But we struggle with not living our values, especially the contradiction of talking one game and playing another (and I am feeling more ashamed of myself as I write it all out; consciousness sucks). Same with the Neighbor Boy: our educational values (only one hour of approved media, the importance of outdoor and/or interactive and active play) are challenged by being friends with (and respecting the worth and dignity of) our neighbor, who only likes to play video games. Am I really going to choose ignoring a person who likes video games because of the video games? But what if my kids don't like playing with him anymore, because he's "bossy" and not so much fun? I need to respect them too, by not pushing friendships on them, especially because one of my parenting values is being child-centered or letting the child lead (with guidance). How do you negotiate a compromise here?
So values are a constant work in progress, a series of checks and balances in our family system. Even discussing why we don't always live our values helps because it allows me to explore and understand more fully what and why I believe. But we have found that when the values are right in front of us all the time, it is easier, and more important, to live them.
Which is exactly why we're talking about them with the kids.
:-)
ReplyDelete