Needs, Me, and NVC

(Mercy, I write all this and it sounds just like some kind of New-Age cult. But it clarifies my thinking, even if it doesn't sound clear at all. And so I write this mainly for my own edification. For past, perhaps more explanatory posts, see here and here and here and here).

I had thought I would spend this very rainy Saturday with the kids while Mama worked from dawn to dusk on an important project; instead, her project was postponed and I got to attend the NVC workshop I'd organized.

While the parts were exhausting (from set up and clean up to my head cold and sitting for 8+ hours), the sum was exhilerating. Not only did I learn more of the approach of NVC, I did some difficult personal work on communication and connection--let's leave it at there is a person with whom I know I don't communicate well and I would like to try again, with improved skills that will allow for, I'm hoping, a better connection between us. In fact, it would be hard to adequately summarize the effects of the day, so I'll focus on outlining what I learned.

• Honest expression, or Observation/Feeling/Need/Request (OFNR), is the core of NVC as I understand it. Practicing these honest expressions is at the heart of many of the workshops I've attended (this was my 5th). But this time, we did the NVC dance--pieces of paper labeled with the steps and we moved between them bodily as we considered a communication issue we were having. Funny that such physical movement would change the way you conceive of and construct an honest expression, but it allowed me to more fully clarify what I was considering. Then, the workshop leader added a question at the front--"Intention to Connect?"--which urged us to consider, very basically, what our intentions were in even considering an honest expression. And there I sat wondering if I really even had an intention to connect, if I really wanted to improve things. When the answer was yes, I could more clearly proceed. Then, our small group leader removed the "O," realizing that we were all getting bogged down in pinpointing an observation that precipitated our need to connect. This also freed me up from cataloging things and allowed me to get to the heart of the matter without any burdens or baggage. Confused yet? Just go with it . . . .
• Then we went through several other exercises--considering a trigger (an interaction that, in this case, provokes difficult emotions), providing empathy for ourselves in response to the trigger, providing empathy for the other person (so that we consider the other side)--and mind you this is all imagined--that allowed us to consider ways to communicate and the feelings that might arise in advance (or, even if we never, ever had these conversations, to explore our needs and feelings).
• This all lead to a new concept for me, "honoring the beauty of the need." This is basically the idea that having needs, even those that are unmet, attests to something beautiful in the human condition. Let's say I have the need for community that is unmet, meaning I haven't managed to connect with a group of friends. Regardless, the fact that I desire to participate in a group for mutual friendship and support says something positive about me and I should celebrate that, even if I'm having trouble satisfying that need. Does that make sense?
• Anger as an ally: what makes you angry? (oooh, non-NVC alert: nothing makes us feel some way; we are triggered and choose are feelings and responses). Look carefully at what when you get angry and you will most likely see a need that is unmet (this is similar to jackal voice of blame and judgment pointing you to a need. This leads to "make friends with your jackal--jackals are just giraffes with a language problem!). This is particularly important because that curiosity about the unmet needs leads you away from the "blame game" of figuring out whose fault something is. I had thought I would spend the day parsing out small incidents with Mama that make me see red, but really, those are simple, because when I look at them, they all have one thing in common: I feel angry when I need support in my efforts of be a good mom and to keep the house in order. Which I've told her and she heard and accepted. But then we're strongly connected and communicate well. Challenge addressed.
• Okay, more rhetoric: "emotions put us into motions for getting needs met"
• And another, "meet one need, mourn the other." This is about regret, when you try to meet a need and are unsuccessful. Regret not only points you in a direction for meeting future needs (i.e. by alerting you to unsuccessful strategies but also to how much you need something) but also points you towards self-empathy when a need is not met.
• Have to vs. choose to. Rosenberg, who founded NVC, has said that "should" is the most violent word in the English language (I have said elsewhere that I think "still" and "yet" are. But it's the same idea.) Basically, this is another core tenet of NVC: that you are responsible and have agency--no one makes you feel or do anything. You choose. Sure some of the choices are quite obvious (i.e. aren't "real" choices, like pulling your child away from running into the street), others have difficult consequences (like not paying taxes). But by recognizing that everything is a choice, you realize what your needs are, your priorities. Like, let's say I moan about "having" to make dinner. I don't "have" to make dinner. Someone else could or I could buy it. But perhaps I am committed to making dinner, perhaps I "choose" to make dinner, even when I don't really want to, because I value my contribution to the family or my need for healthy foods or saving money. Then the burden of making dinner isn't foisted upon me but is my choice. So choose and enjoy your choice. Let go of regret, move from resentment to acceptance. Your energy will change.
• On "street giraffe" or how to take all this awkward-sounding, New-Age cult language and make it sound normal to people unfamiliar with or suspicious about NVC: words are just a strategy. Once you understand the ideas, you can use other lingo, like for "need" use "it's important," "meaningful," "value," "wish/hope for," "care about" or for feelings use "what's going on" or just "you are ____." For "would you be willing to tell me what you heard me say/how you feel about what I said" try "how does that sit with you?" or "what comes up for you?"
• Finally, for gratitude, which is how we end every session (after starting the session with introductions focused on "what's alive for you?"): "thank you" is like "I'm sorry" in NVC and is seen as not an effective communication strategy, in the sense that if you just say "thank you" (or "I'm sorry") in many instances, you aren't explaining how you feel. So instead, you work through OFNR again to express gratitude, really outlining how we were affected. Take my "thank you" email to our organizers, which basically said "I feel so happy about the workshop because it met my needs for community and learning." It's much more constructive, and even meaningful, than "thanks a lot."

Despite the rain, we all enjoyed the community of connection we created in our mutual goal of learning. This was enhanced by the food, the majority of which was made by my friend Rev. M (the soups I brought weren't such a success and I didn't get a chance to bake this time). She believes in the power of good food to complement and reinforce a learning experience (and I would add, any occasion), to nourish the body and soul thereby creating a sense of community and connection. Certainly, it is a highpoint of the day, if also because by not actively engaging in NVC practice we are able to assess and absorb what we've learned. But then, for me, the whole day was a highpoint.

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Dried Cherry and Almond Muffins

¾ cup milk

3 Tablespoons milk

½ cup dried sour cherries

1/8 teaspoon ground cinnamon

Pinch ground ginger

½ stick (4 Tablespoons) unsalted butter, cur into small pieces

1 ½ cup all-purpose flour

½ cup sugar

2 teaspoons double-acting baking powder

¼ teaspoon salt

1 lg egg, beaten lightly

1/3 cup slivered blanched almonds

In a small saucepan whisk together ¾ cup milk, cherries, cinnamon, and ginger. Simmer the mixture for 2 minutes. Remove the pan from the heat. Stir in the butter, stirring until melted. Let the mixture cool.

In a large bowl, whisk together the flour, sugar, baking powder and salt. Into the cherry mixture whisk the egg, almonds, and the 3 Tablespoons of milk. Pour the wet mixture over the dry mixture. Stir the batter until just combined.

Spoon the batter into a buttered 1/3 cup muffin tin, filling them ¾ full. Bake at 350 degrees for 15 to 20 minutes, or until they are golden and springy to the touch. Let the muffins cool for five minutes. Turn them out onto a rack.

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Cream of Celery Soup

4 cups celery, 1” chunks

3 cups potatoes, 1” chunks

4 cups water

1 teaspoon salt

1 cup celery, very finely minced

1 cup onion, minced

¼ teaspoon celery seed

¼ teaspoon salt

3 Tablespoons butter

1 cup milk

¼ cup or more sour cream or heavy cream

(white) pepper to taste

Bring chuncked celery, potatoes, water, and 1 teaspoon of salt to a boil in a saucepan. Cook, covered until soft. Puree in blender. Transfer to soup pot.

Saute minced onion with ¼ teaspoon salt until translucent. Add minced celery and celery seed. Saute until tender. Add to the puree in the soup pot.

Whisk milk, heavy cream or sour cream into soup about ten minutes before serving. Add salt and pepper to taste.

Do not cook the soup—just heat to serve.

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Lentil Soup with Spinach, Tomatoes, and Cumin, Vegetarian

(Makes about 6 servings, recipe slightly adapted from The Sugar Solution Cookbook.)

1 T olive oil

1 1/2 tsp cumin seeds (not ground)

1 large onion, chopped small

4 cloves garlic, minced (about 1 T minced garlic)

1/2 tsp. ground coriander

fresh ground black pepper to taste

1 tsp. paprika

1 1/2 cups brown lentils

4 cans vegetable broth or water (about 7 cups, original recipe called for 5 cups water)

(could probably substitute chicken stock if you don't have vegetable broth)

1 can (14.5 oz.) diced tomatoes with juice (I use Muir Glen organic canned tomatoes)

2 cups chopped spinach (tightly packed)

salt to taste (I didn't use any salt since I used canned vegetable broth)

Put olive oil and cumin seeds in large heavy dutch oven and cook over medium heat until fragrant and starting to pop, about 3 minutes. (Stir a few times so they don't burn.) Stir in onion, minced garlic, ground coriander, and black pepper and cook, stirring frequently, until onions are softened, about 4 minutes. Stir in the paprika and cook about 1 minute more.

Add lentils and vegetable broth, reduce heat, and simmer uncovered about 30-40 minutes, or until lentils are quite tender.

Add diced tomatoes and juice and chopped spinach and simmer uncovered 20-30 more minutes, until soup ingredients are well blended and lentils are starting to break apart. Season to taste with salt and serve hot.

This printable recipe from KalynsKitchen.com.