Kids Say the Darnedest Things

Over at Motherlode, there is a post and comments on children (white, I believe) commenting and questioning the appearance of non-white strangers (hmmm, do non-white kids ever ask about white strangers? Or are they culturally ubiquitous in a way that others--the "other"--aren't? As far as I can tell, my bi-racial children haven't noticed or more specifically needed to ask about why their mommies are different colors. Hopefully, they just see all of our skin colors as part of a larger continuum.).

Of course, for a long time we've commented and congratulated our young children for noticing and questioning everything in their environment. But now they are going to notice more than birds and trees and cars and start asking questions about the variety of people around them--the woman in a wheelchair down the street, the African-American girl in their class, the person pushing the shopping cart of belongings at the bus stop. These answers aren't as easy as "it's a blue jay" or "yes, that's a pine tree."

Easy for them because it's just one more variation in the vastness of the world that is still so new to them. Not easy for us, that is, we who are aware of the racist, sexist, sizist, ableist, classist, etc, overtones that we and all the other adults in the vicinity read into such questions. But maybe we should try to answer the questions in as straightforward and factual a way as we would those about trees and cars, as several of the commentors both in and after the post noted.

I tried this approach on Saturday, when Bud loudly (to me) asked about the "dots on that woman's face." The woman was an African-American; the dots, I have learned, are flesh moles, or dark raised spots found almost exclusively on the cheeks of African-American women. My first thought was "oh, gosh, did she hear that?" She never broke stride, having been a few feet passed us when he asked. Whew. Then, we talked. I answered Bud's question as best I could, saying some people had spots or freckles or scars. And it was okay. BUT it wasn't usually nice to question or comment on other people's looks when they could hear you, though there was nothing wrong with asking.

Mixed message? Sure. Especially since kids hear about their appearance--how cute/tall/like their moms they are all the time, so why isn't it okay to comment? And because clearly I was anxious about discussing it, even though I said it was okay. And it made him uncomfortable, I think, like he was in trouble. And he wasn't in trouble for asking. But at least the next time we're out, I'll be more prepared, with a better answer. Once I figure it out.