- Is what I am about to say true, kind, and necessary?
- Will it matter tomorrow?
- And, for parenting, am I interacting or instructing/educating?
The true/kind/necessary rule was first brought to my attention by our minister, but webminions indicate it originated in such diverse places as Socrates, Laura Ingalls Wilder, and yogic instruction. There seems to be debate about whether you should say something if it meets one or two criteria; for me, that misses the point. Just pausing to think about my interactions often improves them, regardless of exactly how many criteria it satisifes. Mindfulness, for me, always has a positive effect, be it in talking, acting, or even eating. It was in thinking on this question recently that I realized I really only look for two qualities in a friend: kindness and intelligence. Kindness doesn't mean giving me stuff, but is compassion, senstivity, love, and respect for others (even people you don't like or don't know). And I don't mean intelligence of the book-learning kind, but a real engagement in the world and a curiosity about it. I don't care if you don't know what short story by Tolstoy is referenced in this blog title, but I'd like to think that you'd be curious enough to ask or look it up.
As for, "will it matter tomorrow?", this question came to me in an article about parents of a severely disabled boy who ended up arguing about everything. This question comes in handy with Mama's housekeeping sometimes. Does it matter that she leaves out her ingredients when she cooks or puts dirty dishes to the side of the sink instead of in the dishwasher? No. While it might seem to matter because I have to clean them up now and will probably have to again tomorrow, arguing about it doesn't matter to me right now. And in the end, neither do the dishes, really. And this isn't just some kind of virtual nag. Really. It works the opposite way, too. Does it matter tomorrow if I let the kids make a mess around the house today? Yes. By letting them, say, spread the couch pillows out in a "road" around the downstairs and pretend to be the construction workers who also then stop at my roadside restaurant in the kitchen, even with pillows everywhere and other toys strewn about, I am giving them the time, space, and mess to play instead of stopping them in advance because I know they won't clean it up and I'll have to. Does it matter? What matters is that I get better at teaching them to clean up, not that they don't get to mess up in the first place. And while this all seems fuzzy as I spell it out, going through the thought process in the two seconds before I say something I might regret helps.
This might make me sound like a foul-mouthed, strict, mean, bossy woman who would say terrible things if it weren't for these little questions. But I find as parenthood continues that now more than before I sometimes speak before I think. Is it exhaustion? habit? the need constantly to be on the alert? greater responsiblities? Who knows, I just know it happens.
Finally, the last one about interacting and educating comes from an article about autistic children and teens who need interaction so much more than education, according to theories. I find that I spend a lot of time educating my kids who, while not autistic, are still little kids. It's a habit form my days as a professional educator. But sometimes instead of focusing on the color or shapes of leaves, why they fall, and what kind of tree they come from, I need to pile up those leaves and jump in them or throw them up in the air. Then, as we're lying leaf-strewn on the ground, I can start lecturing on the leaves. Or not.
Though now having just refreshed my memory of Tolstoy's parable, I might have to add his three questions to my list just to keep me present and mindful. Because in the end, he said it much better than I did.
No comments:
Post a Comment