One Child Left Behind

If last week had a theme, it would've been "one child left behind."  Both Sis and Bud experienced some twin separation anxiety, which caused not a little upset.

For two days last week, Bud and I were home together because he's had a fever (he has a head cold but is back in school).  In many ways, we both enjoyed our alone time together.  We had time to leisurely enjoy activities that he chose without coordinating, compromising, or sharing with Sis.  Legos, books, music, chess, even laughing through their new favorite show "Phineas and Ferb."  It was more peaceful because there was no fighting, bickering, negotiating, payback, blaming.  But as the lows weren't as low, the highs weren't as high.  Bud missed Sis and wondered what she was doing and when she'd be home.  As for Sis, she coped with being alone at school and also demonstrated lots of empathy by making him penguin art projects each morning before she left (while he was still asleep), bringing home a pumpkin and a scarecrow just for him (she chose the crow one that was black like a penguin), checking on him, treating him gently (letting him sleep in, etc).

Turnaround happened over the weekend when Sis struggled with stopping kung fu class.  She doesn't really like kung fu as much as Bud, having challenges converting her left-handedness to right, being much smaller even than the weapons she has to use, following movements precisely (left-right, clockwise and counter, doing more than one motion at a time, i.e. not hands and feet simultaneously--all just like me!  I'm completely unable to follow dance steps fully and correctly), struggling with imperfection and embarrassment when she makes mistakes.  She's given it her best through two belts and a competition.  If she wanted to stop now (we really try not to say "quit"), we'd support her.  But she was devastated at knowing that Bud would continue without her,  would learn things she didn't, would do something she didn't.  When it came down to it, she just couldn't stop and will continue kung fu, for now.

We haven't spent much energy researching twin dynamics, feeling that with boy-girl/fraternal twins, we had less to worry about because we believed they would develop separate personalities and strengths without being constantly confused with each other.  But we overlooked how bonded they are.  They are always together--at home, at school, at kung fu, at church.  They seek each other out and don't want to be apart, despite disagreements when they are together.  Have separate bedrooms?  They fear sleeping alone.  Take separate classes?  They prefer being in class together over being separated like last year.  The only thing they do truly separately--Sis goes to Girl Scouts twice a month--causing enormous pain for Bud, who feels left behind, jealous, sad, all the things Sis couldn't cope with about stopping kung fu.  Sometimes we split up and each mom takes a child, but that's temporary and irregular--and they've really come to prefer not splitting up.  And, while they have differences in personalities, they don't really explore separate interests, liking the same shows, games, activities, etc.

As Mom, it's hard to watch them struggle in separation, to see them hurt, to know it's necessary even while it's painful, to wonder how I could now or could have made it easier.  I have always been thrilled to have twins--not because I got "a whole, perfect family--a boy and a girl--in one shot," as so many people say--but because I liked having two together (and no, I don't know if it's "double trouble" and I have no comment when people say they wouldn't want twins or couldn't handle it), to know they'd have the special twin bond. But spending two whole days with Bud, I realize what we've all missed (and I instantly wanted to give Sis our own two days with her home!).  Of course, second and other children never really get that alone time either, until they're older; depending on the age spread, older kids might not remember being alone.  Though age differences (especially compounded by gender differences) create their own separate "alone times" and independence.  I don't have any answers; I'm not even done digesting it all.  Even with this new clarity, I feel the bonuses of twindom outweigh the disadvantages for us.  It's just been a teachable moment for all of us to consider how we'll all go forward separately and together.

But probably mostly together.