Practice, Practice, Practice

The kids are at kung fu class. They really enjoy kung fu. During class.

But they never ever practice. Ever. And we can't exactly pinpoint why.

We know that neither likes the other to watch, out of a dislike of help. But even when we suggest they separate to practice, they don't. "I know the form," they say. They don't understand that they can know it better. And that by practicing, they'll be able to earn the next belt, which they both say they want to do.

So, what's a parent to do?

Amy Chua, yep, that Tiger Mother again, says:

For a Chinese mother, the first hour is the easy part. It's hours two and three that get tough. . . .

What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you're good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences. This often requires fortitude on the part of the parents because the child will resist; things are always hardest at the beginning, which is where Western parents tend to give up. But if done properly, the Chinese strategy produces a virtuous circle. Tenacious practice, practice, practice is crucial for excellence; rote repetition is underrated in America. Once a child starts to excel at something—whether it's math, piano, pitching or ballet—he or she gets praise, admiration and satisfaction. This builds confidence and makes the once not-fun activity fun. This in turn makes it easier for the parent to get the child to work even more.

Her daughters' piano practice sessions included the denial of drinks or bathroom breaks, the removal of toys to be donated to charity, and threats of "no lunch, no dinner, no Christmas or Hanukkah presents, no birthday parties for two, three, four years." In Chua's words, during practice the house became a war zone.

As a self-proclaimed Dog Mom, that is not the route I would choose, for a variety of reasons, mainly out of a belief that respect for my child is tantamount. But I do understand one aspect of it, "nothing is fun until you're good at it." And I believe that Sis and Bud would enjoy kung fu more, both at class and at home, if they practiced some, if only because they'll be happy to earn their next belts and to someday be able to perform the lion dance. But if by forcing them to practice, I take the fun out of kung fu as it is, I also do them a disservice. Especially because I have absolutely no illusions that they will become kung fu masters or believe that it is imperative to their success in life to be kung fu masters; they're five and aren't making any life decisions these days--sure, we're making several of them for them, but this doesn't quite rank up there. My main goals for their kung fu class was that they be introduced to some new experiences: the experience of some kind of sport, the experience of some kind of extra-curricular class, the experience of learning a new skill set, which also includes the culture of attending class--remembering your stuff, listening to the teacher, being with peers, trying something new, and, of course, practicing it.

And even though I recognize that kung fu is not their lot in life, something will be. I believe it is important to give everything a chance, to commit yourself wholeheartedly and completely to what you agree to do, and to respect the experience and those providing it by doing your best. Are they too young to understand that and to follow it through? I must admit, I had believed them too young for such classes and definitely too young for any team sports for this very reason but agreed because we were all interested in their giving it a try. So how far do I encourage them, then? How far do I push them, through encouragement and enticement, so they can get to the point that they are good enough to enjoy it more? What about internal instead of external motivation? How far do I risk them not learning any of those important lessons, but instead receiving lessons on cajoling, forcing, bribing, and yelling, in other words the negative side of my power as a parent? Or do I just need to wait for them to be older so they can understand it all, even the difficult aspects of the actual art of kung fu, like telling left from right!

I don't have answers. No one, besides Chua, seems to, with internet sites filled with suggestions to let kids try for an agreed-upon duration, with set practice times, taking breaks from both lessons and practice, with lots of rewards; all of it sounds rather wishy-washy, just like Chua says. But, we're going with that for now. Our kids go to class, perform there, don't practice at home, and we encourage them when they do, refrain from chastising when they don't, and try to let it be just another activity. At least until it comes time to enroll again. I mean, I will admit that we don't make them practice reading or writing at home, except as it happens naturally in our day-to-day experiences, despite being strongly encouraged to do so, because we don't think it's necessary; in fact, we believe that's the quickest way to ruin school and reading for them. Would I really take practicing kung fu more seriously than the three Rs?

I will add this as a caveat: do you know why I never took piano lessons as a child and to this day can't play an instrument or read music? Because my grandmother forced my mom to. And my mom didn't want to force us, as I understand it. That's what I'm trying to avoid: kids missing out on what can be a wonderful experience if given the right opportunity.

I just don't know what exactly "right" entails.

But I know what it doesn't . . . .