In and Out

I've written at length about my time out practices but I've been trying something new, inspired by an article in . . . Mothering? Brain,Child? I really can't recall. But the article rejected timeouts in favor of "time in." It's basically a dialogue between the parties involved to resolve any existing and escalating conflict. For instance, if Bud and Sis are really beginning to argue, to the point that a timeout for one or both looks inevitable, I call a "time in." They now know that means to stop what they are doing and come over so we can sit together. Then we talk. Each side gets a turn, with me just acting as facilitator. Usually, I start with "what's going on?" And then I ask the other kid the same question. Eventually, we discuss "how to fix it" and "what we can do better next time," with a focus on sharing, taking turns, and using words. Nowadays, having gotten the book Hands Are Not For Hitting, I usually reiterate its themes. They like the sound and cadence of the saying. Usually, just talking seems to diffuse the situation and so far we've agreed to take turns to resolve the conflict.

But there is one conflict we are having a lot of trouble fixing: what they say to each other. Bud loves to tell Sis that she has "disappeared," sometimes going so far as to "abracadabra" her. Sis, on the other hand, drives Bud to distraction (and even fear) by roaring or acting like a monster. Neither likes to stop and I don't, as yet, put them into time out for this. And time ins haven't worked for long periods of time. How do you get preschoolers to ignore one another, especially when we as adults don't even do it that well?

Regardless, the new technique must be working, or at least in their consciousness: I've seen them play time in alone!