Equal Parenting

A recent article in the NYTimes examined in-depth the phenomenon of equal parenting. I forwarded the article to my SAHMommy friends, even before I finished it. So I was surprised to find out that the last several paragraphs deal with lesbian parents. Apparently, lesbians are relatively committed to equal parenting because our family structures don't fit into the typical mommy-daddy dyad. We have to work it all our for ourselves.

In comparing us to the examples the author Lisa Belkin includes, I realized we were both typical and atypical of both lesbian and also straight parents. For instance, Mama works full time and I stay home, pretty atypical for lesbians and more normal for straight parents. But like other lesbian couples, we pretty much split whatever housework we do. I was fascinated by, but in no way surprised, that lesbians just do less housework than their straight sisters, almost by half, but more than straight men (gay parents weren't surveyed apparently, not enough of them yet, I guess). You only have to look at my house to know that's true. All of my friends' houses are cleaner, neater, and more, what would be the word, decorated? We call it the "house beautiful" approach. Must not be in the lesbian genes.

Interestingly, the article did seem more concerned about housework than actual parenting, which it seemed to boil down to tucking kids in and planning birthday parties. The focus was also limited to quantifiable hours, but I think that is reductive though probably sociologically necessary. Mama and I are equal parents but in quality not quantity. On average, I spend 84 hours with the kids in a week; she spends 34. We try hard to be all together on evenings and weekends; that's our family time. There is very little (possibly not enough) single parenting when both parents are home. At those times, or even when we're apart (for those things that are tangential to actual, physical childcare), either one of us is likely to call the pediatrician, buy toys, put a child in timeout, serve a meal, tuck in, soothe tears, plan a birthday party. Indeed, she has night coverage, which means any problems arising after they go to bed are handled (most adeptly) by her, because they respond better to her at night (and are much more likely to go back to sleep. Lucky me).

Call it parenting by committee, if not equal. Everything, EVERYTHING is discussed. Take potty training: we've discussed potty-training theories, where to put the potty charts, what box to put the potty chart stickers in, what kind of stool to buy so they can get on the potty, what undies to buy, where to keep them, whether they've earned enough stickers to get their weekly treat, what kind of weekly treats they can earn, when to go undies-only. And that's just the tip of it. Do my straight friends do this? Do their husbands have these kinds of conversations? And it's not just about big issues like potty training. It's EVERYTHING. Housework too: we revisit the division of chores, discuss the best way to organize clothes/toys/supplies, make the grocery list and menu together, ad nauseum. There are only a few things we don't mess with--she does laundry and garbage and I handle the kitchen, including dishes and food.

It is said that committees don't get anything done. And, well, when it comes to housework, it's probably true--perhaps why lesbians do less of it and my house isn't so neat (and mind you, we "farm out," as one of the men in the article mentioned, the heavy stuff every two weeks! In many ways, equal parenting is as much an economic decision as anything else. We don't want to give up the safety, security, and, let's face it, comfort of one solid income with insurance as opposed to two part-time or reduced salary ones). And sometimes it can be frustrating and time-consuming--I can't just rearrange something because it suits me (or throw out something)--we share, we both live here, it's all ours, which means decisions, all decisions, are too. Nothing, nothing happens quickly. But, I find, with parenting decisions anyway (though perhaps not the upstairs closet or the basement!), it's wonderful to have someone in my proverbial boat. There is always talk about the isolation of suburban mommyhood--and it does exist for those 50 hours I'm with the kids by myself, even with all my SAHM friends and activities--but such co-parenting helps, because I'm only alone physically, not spiritually. Even if our conceptions of parenthood--she's the working mom (though with the great benefit of being "married" to her childcare, and this can't be undervalued, she says) trying to balance work and home while I'm the stay-at-home-mom struggling with isolation and three-year olds. She might not be here during the weekdays but we communicate constantly, completely--I have been told that this (some call it co-dependency) is a lesbian thing. Whatever the word, it makes us better parents, better partners, better people. I don't know if that makes us typical or not. But it's what works for us.

Besides, the parenting is more important than the housework any day. There just aren't enough hours in the week to do it all.

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P.S. We kept our own names but hyphenated the kiddos. Another shared decision.