After my first post on discipline, fear, and religion, I received from my dear Lambeth an email about obedience. Specifically, he is concerned that a). my children won't obey me in times of danger and b). that my children will be annoying to society at large if they are not disciplined. Both of these are good and valid points.
And of the two, the first is easier to answer. Because I don't shout, yell, pull/grab, or use "no" frequently, my kiddos pay particular attention when I do. I have a good, stern, loud "mommy voice" when need be, honed as a camp counselor, preschool teacher, and educator. I can be scary. And since I'm not often, it stops them in their tracks.
Now for the second point. Just because my children don't fear me doesn't mean they don't listen and obey. We have several systems in place with which they are familiar. The first is a set of house rules: toys are for playing (not throwing), eat only in the kitchen, only sit (not stand or jump) on the couch, be gentle (i.e. no hitting cats, kids, or others), use inside voices, stay away from the oven, open the door only with an adult. Notice that most of these are stated positively, not just to avoid the overuse of "no" but also to give them clear directions on what they are expected to do. There are other, minor ones--tummies off the table, no toys at meals, hold hands in the parking lot, no touching things at the store, stay where you can see Mommy, and even more--and we try to follow them. Indeed, Sis, who really likes to repeat the rules when it's convenient, loudly instructed a friend recently during lunch, "There are no toys at the table."
But let's say they are ignoring said rules, Lambeth, which does often happen (they are not quite 3 after all and testing limits is their job, as it is mine to set them). Or they find a loophole about which I have as yet not established a rule (I'm wearing skirts more now and Buddy is convinced they are tents--great--and so I've just put into place a strict skirt-privacy rule. No jokes, please). Say Buddy is throwing toys. He knows better. I remind him of the rule And I issue a warning, "Toys are for playing. This is your warning. I will put the toy in timeout if you keep throwing." He stops. Or he doesn't. And the toy goes into timeout at the count of three (no doubt why they could count to three at a young age!). I then try to ignore the ensuing tantrum (this is harder than it sounds and I'm not always good at ignoring tantrums, but we try to save timeouts for physical aggression and serious disrespect, to maintain its potency. Everything else--mean talk, whining, making messes, tantrums--is addressed through warnings and talk--"let's talk about this"--or ignoring, so as to take away its power).
If it becomes aggressive and violent, it is an automatic timeout for Bud. No warnings, no counting. Straight to his spot. Though, unlike your countrywoman Super Nanny, Lambeth, I don't employ a "naughty mat." The kiddos know they have to remove themselves from the area of play and sit for a minute for each year they are old. We are using 3 minutes on the timer now. I don't insist on a mat because frankly I don't want the episode to devolve into a fight about where they are sitting, mainly because I can't physically drag either one of them to a spot. They can have their loveys and shirts in timeout for comfort to help them calm down. This is all about taking a break to stop a behavior, not punishment. I don't reset the timer if they don't stay put mainly because they can't really tell time or understand that concept yet; however, if they won't stay put (or get too many timeouts in a row), they go to their room. Usually, if I'm lucky, they even walk there themselves, needing the break as much as the rest of us.
When the timer rings, we talk. "What is your lesson in timeout?" Never "why?" Kids this age don't understand cause and effect like that--can you really answer why you do things? Sometimes I ask "what were you feeling?" or "what happened before this happened?" We talk about feelings--"were you angry? frustrated? scared? tired?" Then we try to talk about "what will you do next time?"--use your words, walk away, kick/hit the ground/a pillow, yell out frustration. They have to participate in this conversation or they sit a little longer. Then we ask them to let the person they hurt know they are sorry (this is me if it was undirected aggression or not listening) by saying sorry or doing something like patting or hugging. Mama and I go back and forth about whether this is required; putting them back in timeout for not saying sorry doesn't feel right and can go on forever (trust me, we've tried) but neither does not having to apologize. Our process continually evolves.
And mostly it works. Sometimes just the mention of timeout (or a reminder about their having already been in timeout) stops the behavior. Sometimes it does take a timeout or two or a trip to their room ("because you are having trouble being with others right now"). And, sometimes, when nothing works and hysteria sets in, I know we have bigger problems--sleep deprivation, hunger, boredom. And while I try not to reward the behavior, I try to fix as many triggers as I can. The secret is consistency on my part so that they know where the boundaries are and self-correct their behavior before I have to. And sometimes, that is no fun and I'm tempted to let something slide.
Which made that international phone call so tricky. It's usually our policy to ignore whining and crying, but it was making the call very difficult, even when I, gulp of shame, hid in the bathroom. But, I didn't want to take time from the call to go through the whole process of warnings and talking, which would then give Bud exactly what he wanted which was my attention. In retrospect, I should have gotten off the call, put the boy in timeout for not following directions (if they ignore warnings on directions and listening repeatedly, it is timeout, even if there is no aggression), and called my friend back when things settled down (which is easier with a call to a friend down the street in my time zone). Or, more gulps of shame, turned on the tv when the call came in so I could talk uninterrupted.
So, while there are definitely misses with the system, it's the one we've chosen, the one the kids are now used to (timeouts started early because twins, unlike singletons, have early chances at fighting with other kids; it's hard to share everything all the time), the one we think--we hope--will keep them from being undisciplined blights on society.
Which is why, if you ever see my kiddos doing something they shouldn't, please feel free to put them in timeout. They know.
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