Thou Shalt Not Scare

I've had a few days of real parenting lows recently, one of the lowest being Buddy screaming through an international phone call I received and my not doing anything (being able to do anything?) to stop it. Ugh. Annoying bugger, indeed.

Interestingly, said caller, Lambeth, had asked how I direct my moral compass with no God to guide by. And the answer came to me later that day as I was thinking about parenting techniques (in guilt and shame). I don't believe fear is the best motivator for behavior. Just as I don't yell at, hit, or otherwise intimidate Bud and Sis because I don't want them to either fear me or only act out of fear, I do not believe that morals in society are best upheld by fear of a wrathful God (which, by the way, I do capitalize, out of respect to those who believe, since someone once asked . . . ). Fear and fright of punishment beget more fear and fright and punishment. It's an ongoing cycle of oppression and violence. I'm thinking of the strictures of Sharia law or of the rightwing Christian pro-gun, pro-execution, fear and punishment of gays, women, nonwhites, non-Christians. Of course, it is awfully effective in the short term but I believe the long-term consequences are dire, for the individual and for society.

I want my children to act out of a sense of community, of civic engagement and obligation, of empathy and compassion, the seven principles of Unitarian Universalism. When they go to make choices, I want it to be love not fear that guide them. So, I didn't scare Buddy into being quiet the other day. I wish ignoring him and redirecting him had been more effective during that phone call. Because, trust me, I was doubting my techniques as I had to lock myself in the bathroom to finish the call. If I had yelled or hit, he would have been quiet.

But at what cost?

So, I set my moral compass, which includes my parenting, to love, with some failure, but no fear. I think it will work; it just takes a little time.