PMS

Yeah, things are getting ugly over here.

I'm an angry, crying machine. And my back hurts for the first time in weeks.

At least Mama and I aren't on the same schedule right now. (That's right: forget everything you've heard about women being on the same schedule. Those studies were done with huge female prison populations, not two lesbians in one house.)

AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I won't go through my list of perceived ills. It seems petty, what the Thai would call "small thoughts," in light of real suffering and crises. Though as my minister says (and she has had her fair share of troubles), it just doesn't help to compare suffering; it's all internally relevant to our own lives. But even I know it's not that bad: the kids aren't sick, the cats are home and recovering, and Mama loves the challenge of her no-longer-new job.

However, I will wallow in feeling mediocre on this beautiful, thank-goodness-it's-in-the-70s-again day.

The job thing isn't going to happen. It was a lead through my old museum, which needs a "keeper." But they want that person two full days a week, in the city. Not going to happen. But before I knew the details, I relished the idea perhaps of doing some work from home come preschool in the fall. Returning to my old museum would be one of the easiest ways to "sequence" back into the workforce. And I think I would like the mental exercise and camaraderie. But not at the expense of my children, whom I do not want to put in care two full days. It became crystal clear, over an up-and-down 24 hour period, that even though I kvetch about being a SAHM, it is absolutely want I want, full-time.

At the director's request, however, I did submit a resume and cover letter for some project-based research work. I spent the whole day, off and on, updating my resume and tweaking the cover letter--ironically ignoring those children I'm so desperate to be with. And I was miserable by the end of it--I hadn't finished said resume or letter and I hadn't been a great parent (I had moments, though: we painted, "baked" in the water, had a playdate, had a snack together at my favorite coffee place, played mermaids outside, read stories, played hide and seek). Already I am completely unable to balance work and parenting, which led to a maelstrom of tears from me at bedtime as Sis recounted for Mama how I lost it in the kitchen, declaring, "I'm not going to cook dinner" as Buddy had wrapped himself hysterically around my skirt and then tried to sit inside the fridge so I couldn't get chicken. I ended up in time out. It was not pretty.

But everyone did eventually get dinner (and yes, I cook two: one for them and one for us, trying to overlap veggies and starches).

Anyway, today dawns a new day. And I'm PMSing big-time. Again, trying to be a good parent--we baked oatmeal and played Diego. I tried to get them outside but they refused, deciding to make our playset inside with pillows instead. We also built on the porch with blocks. And then T-ball. At which point, Sis whacked Buddy with the bat.

Now, we're watching tv, while I'm blogging and baking yet more chicken.

AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!