You've Got to Be Carefully Taught

To throw things away, that is.

My friend church Miss L mentioned it yesterday, that her daughter had chosen to give us a set of books and soon they would be purging both clothes and outdoor toys. Without a struggle? How?

"Because my husband is a hoarder," my friend answered, "I knew I had to teach the girls to throw things away."

Eureka.

I haven't taught the kids to give or throw things away at all. They're collecting used books for school and I asked our kids to look at our shelves of hundreds of books to choose a few to give away to kid without books and they couldn't find a one they wanted to part with. That's not good. And of course, there is the infamous kitchen playset giveaway from this Christmas. Our giveaway track record is abyssmal. When necessary, I ferret things out in the middle of the night or the equivalent. No wonder they don't like to put anything away, saying "I want to be able to see it!"--so Mommy can't get rid of it?! They're on to me. And it's not working!

I don't like doing it but hadn't seen another way. Looking back, I think it must be what my mom did--with the birthday party napkins I'd bring home, pamphlets and postcards I'd keep, all manner of stuff--only getting caught once when she threw away my old blankie. But I know I had lots of things that disappeared, never fully realizing where it all went until now. It's one way to do it and maybe the only lasting effect is my own minor hoarding habits (particularly of magazine articles and recipes).

As for Mama's habits, she doesn't throw much away at all and neither does her family. And there are benefits to this--the kids love playing with all the toys they've saved from Mama's childhood. And they always have what you might need or remember at that moment.

We don't have the space to save like that, with a lifetime of saved stuff already in our basement (slowly disappearing, I should add) and really do want to find a middle road for the kids. But having been raised by either secret tossers or hoarders, Mama and I don't have the skills for teaching the kids a life balance between saving and letting go. Though, we've gotten better, arranging to give away a beloved couch we've had for years, purging clothes I'd been saving for an eventual return to work that are just gathering dust and no longer "me," even considering selling Mama's beloved Civic in favor of something with 4-wheel drive. The will is there, sometimes, but the execution is a challenge.

And so, I realized yesterday that we all need to learn, to practice, that it's a skill like any other. Or a muscle that needs exercise to get stronger. I'm going to have to pick my friend's brain on how she gets the kids to get rid of stuff. She gave me a hint: bribe with promises of what you'll buy to replace what goes away since you'll be making space. Hmmm, that doesn't quite take the focus off of the material stuff but it might be a start.

So, spring cleaning, which is, obviously, never our favorite thing to do, will take on an added dimension this year, as we purge not only grime and dust but also some of the year's artwork and toys and magazine articles and clothes and knickknacks and gadgets and general odds-and-ends.