My Favorite Child

I have a favorite child.

A favorite daughter and a favorite son.

But do I love one of them more than the other?

Funny, how topics collide. I had just bought I Love You the Purplest, a children's book about sibling rivalry and mother love by the author of our favorite Mama, Do You Love Me?. And then, I read a blog on the NYTimes about the topic, recently re-addressed by netmums in England. And the woman ends her post by mentioning the same children's book on her shelf.

Like the aforementioned blogger, I love both of my children equally and infinitely, but for different reasons at different times. And sometimes, I don't like their behavior very much, even if I still love them (and aren't we, as moms, required to always add that "I love them" part at the end? I once read a great essay about that, how ridiculous it is that we feel like we have to add that, but I can't remember now where I saw it). I wouldn't want them to misunderstand that dislike of behavior for lack of love. But at 3, I think that is a difficult concept, which is probably why there are several books out there that touch upon it, including Runaway Rabbit; I Love You, Stinky Face; and, of course, Mama, Do You Love Me? I think that is why, when the kids are in timeout, we always end with a hug and a simple re-integration into activity, no grudges, no cold shoulder, and never "I'm disappointed."

Of course, regardless, children will always think you like or love the other one more. Older siblings feel like the younger one is coddled by lenient (tired? experienced?) parents, younger children feel like . . .well, I'm not a younger child, so I'm not sure what the beef is there--more freedom/independence/responsibility, or just the grating knowledge that we got there first? (For the record, I actually don't believe Aunt Banana had childhood "easier.") Sibling rivalry has been (is it still?) pretty thick in my family, though my mom has made it clear that she loves us both. Does she like one or the other of us better? Sure, at different points, for different reasons. And no doubt not the ways that we suspect or believe. I contemplated making a list here of ways I think my mom enjoys my sister more but everything I started to write sounded hollow. And I also thought of listing all the ways and reasons I love Bud and Sis, so later on they would read it and see, but then I didn't want them to compare and judge their respective lists . . .

That's the trick, isn't it? There is no truth or reality about "like" or "favorite," just a lot of perception and assumption. And that's dangerous for any relationship. Look at the trouble sibling rivalry has caused in history; it's a very powerful concept. That's just like children, really, that they don't realize a mom's love is infinite and grows to embrace them all, until long past the damage is done when they are grown up and parents themselves. But still, my kids will wonder, will feel, will firmly believe that I love them or the other one best at any given time. Even if I read and memorize every line of Siblings Without Rivalry and practice its approaches. I think it comes with the territory of having a sibling. As long as my kids really understand (especially after childhood, because they won't believe it during, for sure) that there is no preference overall. That I love them both the same amount, if not for the same reasons.

That sounds so wishy-washy, but don't we often love others in relation to how similiar to or different from us they are, either for positive or negative (i.e. I can love Mama because we have the same political views about equality and justice but also love Mama because we approach challenges totally differently and thus learn from one another? And she can drive me nuts when she does things I do that I don't like about myself, or does things I would never do . . . ) And so, depending on which characteristics are most dominant at a given time, we like people or . . . not so much, even if we still love them. Which means two people cannot be liked for all the same reasons because no two people are exactly alike, even twins, even if they are loved as much?

I think I'm confusing myself.

Now, do I love my kids more than Mama? For the most famous, recent, troublemaking discussion of that topic, see Ayelet Waldman.