Showing posts with label NYTimes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label NYTimes. Show all posts

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Texas in the Times

I usually don't like to see Texas in the NYTimes, but this week was a rare exception.  There was a review of a wonderful-sounding barbecue restaurant on 26th Street, Hill Country Barbecue.  And then descriptions of three of their dishes, including a recipe for corn pudding, in the Diner's Journal.  There was even an article about a barbecue contest in NJ, though I was suspicious when a supposed master of Texas-style bbq mentioned his pulled pork sandwich.

In another section altogether, there was a review of Gail Collins's new book, As Texas Goes, which sounds more like the usual news about the Lone Star State in the Times.  But Collins is usually funny and perceptive, so the book would probably be worth a read.

While I'm eating some of that Hill Country banana pudding . . . .

-=-=-=-=-=-

Mommy Hungry's Banana Pudding 


12 oz. vanilla wafers, reserving 8-10 and crushing the rest (beyond recognition)
tub of Cool Whip (large)--I haven't made this since I gave up fake whipped cream and will have to test it with the real thing!
package of cream cheese (large)
package of Jello Instant Vanilla pudding (large)
5 bananas, sliced in rounds
milk

            Line the bottom of the dish with uncrushed wafers.
            Make the pudding.  Add cream cheese and cool whip, beating with mixer.  Add bananas and half of the crushed wafers.
            Spoon pudding mixture on top of whole wafers.  Cover with remaining half of crushed wafers.
            Refrigerate and serve.

Mommy Hungry



Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Thanksgiving Live: On Gratitude

How to practice gratitude, and why, in the NYTimes, including:

  • counting blessings not sheep, to sleep
  • writing a letter to someone who changed your life for the better
  • play "it could be worse"
  • say or do one grateful thing to each member of your family
Thanks, John Tierney of NYTimes, for this article!

Friday, October 7, 2011

Goodbye and Good Luck, Lisa Belkin!

It was announced today on Motherlode that Lisa Belkin is departing for HuffPo (check out the post for a great summary of posts through the years).  I have been an avid reader and sometime commentor on her blog these last three years and will miss the inspiring, informative, touching, and sometimes infuriating (always in the comments!) posts.

I wish Lisa Belkin the best of luck and thank her from the bottom of my heart for her years of guidance and support of mothers and all parents, me included.   I'll be following her to HuffPo, though I don't ever comment there--now I might have to! (You're losing out, NYTimes.)

(I'll add that she commented here twice--here and here--which thrilled me to no end.  Thanks, Lisa!)

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

101 Possibilities

Check out Mark Bittman's 101 Thanksgiving recipes compendium for some great holiday ideas. Right now, I'm partial to Pumpkin Noodle Kugel (#35) and Cranberry Polenta Cakes(#27).

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

In the Paper

Wow, it's been a long time . . .

Recipes and Food and Health
Parenting
Art and Culture

On Texas (which I always hate to see in the papers; it's never good)
  • On how Texas is contributing to the miseducation of America, through textbooks. (Don't read if you're a liberal and have high blood pressure).
  • (And certainly don't read this, which is all about how TX kept a man in prison despite having the signed confession of the actual murderer. And now only exonerated the man, years after he died of asthma in prison).

Friday, January 29, 2010

All About Blueberries

There are several blueberry recipes in the NYTimes this week. Bud will be thrilled!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Cookies!!!

Check out these two NYTimes pages, which deserve a post of their own here:
  • Bitten explores the Madeleine
  • Readers photos and recipes of their holiday cookies, including a couple of scrumptious chocolate ones

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Thanksgivingg: 101 More Ideas

Mark Bittman, The Minimalist at the NYTimes, has done it again: 101 Thanksgiving recipe ideas that you can prepare in advance and (mostly) serve room temperature. I love these 101 lists. And even though our Thanksgiving menu is mostly set, these recipes will come in handy for future holidays.

In case you've missed his other 101 lists, they are (and I think that's all of them, in no particular order):
I can't wait to see more lists (and would love to see breakfast, desserts, or soups)!

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Recipes 101

I love it when the Minimalist does a 101 list (like appetizers or picnic dishes or summer meals). Today it's simple salads. Can't wait to read it and try some!

Monday, June 1, 2009

In the Papers (Or, well, "THE" Paper and One Radio Show)

Just catching up, a perpetual state

On Illness, Dying, and Death
  • On the most religious people receiving the most aggressive end-of-life care, see here.
  • On the benefits of hospice here.
  • A blog pointing to an article on the end-of-life talk (yes, I did mention this earlier.)
  • And have I ever mentioned one of the best articles I've read on dying?  Jane Gross on the death vigil in 2006.  I feel like there was a "to-do" list with the article but I can't find it.    Mama, can you?
On Parenting
  • On a summer reading list of parental resources.  I would add my favorite, Momma Zen.  Note:  there are lots of interesting titles in the comments section.
  • On the possible demise of helicopter parenting here (and the post about it too).  Haven't read it yet but really, really want to.  
  • Does having daughters make you more liberal?  The post is about dads but my mom would say, yes, absolutely, having a daughter (especially a non-mainstream one like me, even early on, and because I was overweight), made her a feminist.  Imagine what my being a lesbian has done! 
  • On gratitude and marriage here.  I don't think I thank Mama often enough (and not because I think I need to manipulate her into doing things but because I am grateful for all she does.  And manners are important even, or even especially, in a marriage).
  • Thank goodness this isn't me and my mom.  Even if I haven't sent the present yet.
Miscellaneous
  • On the Alexander technique for back pain.  Hmmm, must ask PT.  When I go back after my hiatus.  
  • On judicial philosophies here.
  • Yummy strawberries.
  • Okay, so NPR isn't a paper, but I loved this piece on cooking with children because all other play can be boring by Nigella Lawson (one is audio, the other text). 
-=-=-=-=-
Okay, this is nuts, but I tried to finish this list months ago (or maybe just in April) and never did so I'm posting it as-is just because, if only to record somewhere what I was reading and thinking.  Good luck.

 
On Parenting:
Food and Recipes:

Miscellaneous:

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Catching Up

I imagine that if I were to look back over my blog archives, I will notice that I periodically do a "dump post" where I combine every tidbit, thought, link, and the like in one long list, usually titled similar to this one.  I guess about every 4-6 weeks or so, I get behind on what I mean to post but still want and need to share (and record) some of what's going on in my head and environs.  The list this time seems longer than usual, so I've divided it into four categories--tidbits, on my mind, in the papers, and recipes.

Tidbits
  • Sis and Bud have had lots of discussions recently about what they want to be when they grow up, which never fails to remind me of Paula Poundstone's joke that adults ask kids that question because they are looking for ideas!  Anyway, Bud wants to be a paleontologist, with his own museum, which will have, in addtion to dinosaur fossil bones, some racetracks and other fun things.   Sis, on the other hand, still wants to open a pizzeria, despite not actually liking pizza; when asked about this, she just says she wants to make it for everyone else.    
  • I'm having total performance anxiety in Chinese class.  I'm desperate for Sis and Bud to know the answers to the teacher's questions, to participate, heck, even to sit still and listen.  And, well, Sis doesn't like to talk and Bud doesn't even like to be there, so every class has become an uphill battle.  Which isn't what I had in mind at all.  They like the teacher but, oh, the timing of the class, the length of the commute; it's just not working for us.  And everytime they don't get the word right or they won't even try, the A-student in me frets inside not just a little bit.  Hmmmm, no wonder 3+ is the age lots of classes don't want the parents in!  And I'm not even as bad as some other parents, mainly because I surpress my desire and need to force them to answer (I won't let them be rude and roll around or take the teacher's things, like one of the nannies, though)--one of them actually held his daughter in a cross-legged position and goaded her at each question (Answer, you know this one, etc).  And the one time she got up and wandered off--she's 3 ish, remember--he grabbed her and practically dragged her back.  Ugh.  I just don't want them to learn Chinese that badly.  And, really, I can't imagine that kind of pressure or punishment is conducive to a positive learning experience.  So, my kids take their loveys and don't always answer--and even if it drives me nuts--I'm going to be okay with that.  At least outwardly.  I just don't want to be one of those high pressure, overachieving parents.
  • Sis wanted to know what I "do," since Mama goes to the office everyday.  I explained that I'm a mommy, but later I might go back to work in an art museum.  Sis replied, "Mommy,I want you to be our mommy.   Don't go to work."  You got it.
On My Mind:
  • I hate stickers.  And I have only recently realized this about myself.  Well, no, specifically, I don't like what kids do with stickers, which is put them all over furniture and and toys and walls and glass--even inside of the window on Bud's side of the car--despite our "only on paper" rule of which I always seem to be one step behind.  When I was a kid I put stickers on letters to my pen pals or otherwise just left them on the sheets unused.  Mama put them all over her house and on paper.  Our kids do that too.  And it drives me nuts.  I would ban stickers completely except who won't let her kids get stickers from the doctor's or dentist's offices or even from grandparents?  So, I'm trying to chill about it.  Well, that, and use Mama's scraper to take off the really offensively-placed ones.
  • There is a new Indigo Girls album out, Poseidon and the Bitter Bug, in support of which they will be touring soon (don't laugh, it's the very first album we've bought completely as an MP3!).  It's always exciting when there is a new album.  We can't go to their concert here in CT--too far and too much $$ to pay the babysitter--I wish they had concerts in the afternoons sometimes--like they did at a music festival outside of Chicago once--we would take the kids, especially because Bud loves "Shame on You" and their cover of the "Loquat Tree" song.  It would be great if they did a whole child-friendly album (with "Love of the Common People," "Uncle John's Band," any new ones.  It would be better than They Might Be Giants, who will be in the state soon.  Not that I'm getting tired of Laurie Berkner, right?).  We've been playing the new album but it's sharing time with our Andean panpipes CD and Vivaldi's Four Seasons so we haven't memorized it yet.
  • Piggybacking on the IG album, I was thrilled to see in this month's Saveur that the restaurant Watershed (co-owned by IG's Emily Saliers) with its reknowned chef Scott Peacock (Mom, H, I gave you his cookbook with Edna Lewis a few years ago for Chrsitmas, remember?  I love Lewis's cookbooks, as much to read as to cook) was named one of the most influential restaurants in the U.S.  I told Mama we should take a kid-free weekend down to Atlanta for a meal there, and at Flying Biscuit (another Saliers' restaurant), do some sightseeing, and come home.  Connecticut is great, but some Southern food would be fabulous.  Though, I'd have to go on a veg-hiatus for those two days, I think.  Tops, two nights.  She said it would be the most expensive meal we'd ever had.  
  • Back to new:  There will be a new Sarah Waters book out this summer, The Little Stranger.  I read the first chapter online and am looking forward to the rest of it.  It seems to be a little in the Wilkie Collins/ghost story/country house (I'm thinking of the estate in Woman in White) vein, and that would be great.  I loved The Night Watch, and the earlier Victorian books.  Just hoping there is a lesbian twist, but not so sure.  There's just not much (or good) historical lesbian fiction/literature out there.   But, wouldn't want to pigeonhole such an amazing writer. 
In the papers:
  • If you are a nurse, someone grieving the loss of a loved one, or just someone like me who likes to keep abreast of grieving issues (for my church work), check out Theresa Brown's post on oncology nurses coping with grief over at the Well blog.
  • I'm lucky I'm not in this category:  moms with "grandmas who can't be bothered."
  • Breastfeeding.  Again.  On Lisa Belkin's Motherlode, in Judith Warner's Domestic Disturbances, all because of an article on the Atlantic website entitled "The Case Against Breastfeeding" by Hanna Rosin.  I can't decide if I need to rehash and then bury again all my negative experiences and powerfully sad emotions about my failed attempts to breastfeed the twins.  And then to see that some people (called scientifically illiterate by others) have examined the medical literature and found it doesn't support breastfeeding the way the popular literature makes me feel like my difficult experiences were unnecessary, which is hard to comprehend and accept.  How different would those first 6 weeks have been without the added stress and guilt of unsuccessfully breastfeeding?  But Mama says we had to do it the way we did or we wouldn't have thought we tried--but would I have needed to try so hard if I hadn't thought it was so important?  Do I think it's not important just because some researchers and doctors have conducted these studies?  Isn't it more about the contact than the nutrition?  But would there have been less anxious contact if I wasn't so disappointed?  Mama is much more Zen about it, though I think she was as conscious if not more conscious of the pain it all caused.  And in the end, I'm thankfully past the point where I can do anything about it anymore.  Though, obviously, it still matters to me . . . and to several of my mom friends who had similarly hard attempts.  Okay, I'm done with this.  For now.
  • Like quizzes?  Thinking about your health?  See this.  I haven't taken the quiz yet as it hasn't worked anytime I've tried it.  But I'll keep trying.
  • Why talking to your doctor about the end of your life is so important, on The New Old Age blog.  

Recipes (for full recipes, see below):
  • We've been on a bread machine tear, inspired by both our friend Miss B who casually made dinner rolls so easily one afternoon during a playdate and by the bread book, The Bread Lover's Bread Machine Book by Beth Hensperger (whose cookbooks I enjoy and use).  We've made Miss B's rolls (success!), honey white bread (success!), and cinnamon raisin bread (success!).  
  • I altered my Dal recipe, adding about 1 teaspoon or so of cinnamon and not pureeing the onion/garlic/ginger mix (because of forgetfulness).  Came out great.
  • Made the kiddos an adapted fettucine carbonara for dinner that was quite a hit, greatly surprising me but also supporting my recent discovery that they like new things.
  • MMmmm, there is a bake sale at my PT office today.  With a quirky Australian goodie called a "hedgehog."  Nope, not the marzipan kind, but a no-bake graham cracker kind of treat.  Mmmmm.  Can't wait to share them with the kids after school.
That's not all but if I wait too long to publish, it'll never get done.
-=-=-=-=-


Cinnamon Raisin Bread for Bread Machine
 
    * 1 cup water
    * 2 tablespoons margarine
    * 3 cups flour
    * 3 tablespoons sugar
    * 1 1/2 teaspoons salt
    * 1 teaspoon cinnamon
    * 2 1/2 teaspoons yeast
    * 3/4 cup raisins
Directions
    1. 1Add all the ingredients in order given except the raisins.
    2. 2Add raisins in on the "add in" beep.
    3. 3Bake on "
sweet bread" setting.


I added an extra tablespoon of sugar, using brown instead of white.  And was generous with that teaspoon of cinnamon.  I soaked the raisins in 
hot water while waiting for the "add-in" beep.  Oh, and I used butter not margarine but probably should've softened it a bit more.  In the end, as some reviewers mentioned, it was very much like a bagel.

recipezaar.com

-=-=-=-=-

Honey White Bread

2/3 cup water
2/3 cup milk
2 tablespoons canola oil
3 tablespoons honey
3 3/4 cups bread flour (I only had regular unbleached white)
1 tablespoon plus 1 teaspoon vital wheat gluten
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
2 3/4 teaspoons bread machine yeast

Place all ingredients in the pan according to the order in the manufacturer's insturctions.  Set crust on medium and program for the Basic cycle; press Start.

When the baking cycle ends, immediately remove the bread from the pan and place it on a rack.  Let cool to room temperature before slicing.

Beth Hensperger, The Bread Lover's Bread Machine Book

-=-=-=-=-=-

Fettucine Carbonara

1 egg (Eggbeaters work)

1 tablespoon whipping cream, light cream, or milk

1 tablespoon butter

4 oz. bacon, chopped (I used deli ham today)

4 oz. fettucine

¼ cup parmesan or romano

1 tablespoon parsley

 

            Let egg, milk, and butter stand at room temperature for 1 hour.  Cook bacon til crisp; drain on paper towels and chop. 

            Cook pasta.  Drain well.  Return to saucepan over low heat.  Toss butter in pasta.  Beat together egg and cream til just combined.  Pour egg mixture over pasta, tossing til well coated.  Add bacon, cheese, and parsley; toss to mix.  Season with pepper.  Serve immediately.

 

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Amuse Bouche

Just a few morsels:

  • What color is your hotpad?  An article in the NYTimes talks about nutritional gatekeepers, or the people who are most responsible in a family for the food it eats.  Apparently, there are five kinds:  giving, methodical, competitive, healthy, and innovative.  There's a test you can take to identify your type.  I came up a true Heinz 57, a combo of allmost all the types (except competitive) with none dominant.  Maybe that's because I'm just starting to find my footing as a homecook.  I would've said I was a "giving" cook, the kind that "are enthusiastic about cooking and specialize in comfort food, particularly home-baked goodies."  But I also try new recipes and ingredients, try to make healthy alternatives, and am a slave to a recipe.  
  • Today, Bud came home with a recipe for cake from one of his teachers.  Apparently, they've been reading A Cake All for Me, which presents a recipe for cake in nursery rhyme, and Bud said he wanted to make it.  Well, I have all the ingredients, including--gulp--3 sticks of butter!  So we'll be doing that this afternoon.  Makes me wonder how many children's books with recipes an integral part of the story (as opposed to children's cookbooks) there are.  I know of Growing Vegetable Soup, Apples!Apples!Apples!, Thunder Cake, and All in Just one Cookie.  More on this after some research (and more and more and more and more).  And a report on the cake when we've made it.
  • It's actually just as well that Bud brought home a recipe he wants to try.  Ever since reading about the temptations of an empty cake stand, I've wanted to bake something, especially the olive oil orange cake in the article.  I even have a cake stand (which stands, safely, in the basement for now because it is glass).  
  • We're hoping to join a CSA (community-supported agriculture) in our area, which means we'll get a box, one share, of produce each week of the growing season (starting in June, through October).  I'm really very excited.  We'll get to try new foods, become acquainted with our local farmers, support local agriculture, visit the farm, and supplement our own garden efforts (which, as you remember, were destroyed in the storm last year, much to everyone's chagrin; the kiddos have been planning this year's crop since then).  YAY!!!
  • Otherwise, there have been so many tempting recipes and ideas on Mark Bittman's Minimalist columns and Bitten blog recently:  the anti-ramen, chocolate mousse, chopped salad, and two links to Mike Licht's blog NotionsCapital about food blogs and Girl Scout cookies.  

Monday, March 9, 2009

In the Papers

Check these out:
  • Michael Pollan is gathering your food rules, like "why would you eat it if a bug wouldn't?" or, from the prophet Mohammed, "a full belly should contain one-third food, one-third drink and one-third air."
  • Motherlode's post on the lifting of the stem cell research executive order.
  • . . . and the post about helicopter parents.

  • A discussion of ways to organize your email (including the suggestion to zero out your inbox, which I did and really appreciate!)

  • "Whether you're rich or whether you're poor, it's good to have money!" as my Dad always says.
  • And finally, a little art for you: the Bard or not the Bard.

Friday, March 6, 2009

How to Lose Friends and Alienate People

If you have been at all annoyed or frustrated by my journeys into compassionate communication, NVC, or even just my narcissistic musings, check out Judith Warner's "Being and Mindfulness" in the NYTimes. I think you'll get a kick out of it. I did.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

This is for All of Us

This is for you. If you are a mom with a child on the autistic spectrum, this is for you. If you are a mom whose kids aren't on the spectrum, this is still for you. And if you don't have kids or don't have them at home anymore, this can be for you, too. And if you ever stand in line at the grocery store and then roll your eyes at the behavior of someone else's kids, then this is especially for you.

-=-=-=-=-=-
I have to admit that the title of this guest post on Motherlode, "A Tale of Two Mothers," really threw me. I thought it was going to be about lesbian moms. Maybe next time, right, Lisa?

Thursday, February 12, 2009

It'll Make You Cry

Our 4-weeks early kids were only in the NICU for a bit, and then as big, healthy babies with slight sugar and breathing problems and thus not in the same jeopardy of the other babies there, but this post on preemies at Motherlode still captures the way we felt those first few days. Even when they got home, we were scared that they were somehow more fragile than non-preemie babies who didn't go to the NICU. You'll read it and weep.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Fast, Mommy! Hungry!

It's 4:45, you haven't been to the store having played outside with the kids all afternoon, and there's nothing coherent in the cabinets and thus far nothing on your stove. There's nothing frozen and you had take-out last night. What do you do?

An article in the NYTimes today explored several multicultural answers to the usual "what's for dinner-in-a-hurry" question: Korean Pa Jun (like scallion pancakes), Ecuadoran Sopa de Tortilla de Huevos (Egg Tortilla Soup), and Hungarian Lentil Stew.

Mercy, makes my go-to dinner sound very boring: scrambled eggs. Not cheese eggs, not a Western omelet, not even "toad in a hole." Though, if I have any ground turkey in the house, I will make a version of Ar-Ma's omelet, which is basically scrambled eggs with meat, soy sauce, and (though not for the kids) dried radish. What do I eat? Two fried eggs and a piece of wheat toast.

If I have a little more time, I can make my favorite, an adapted version of Mario Batali's Pasta e Lenticchie, which takes about 30 minutes tops and can be served with a variety of seasonings (Italian, sweet curry powder, or chili con carne seasonings) and starches (pasta of any shape, couscous, or rice). For the kids, I can throw together a chicken rice meatloaf or chicken cutlets (provided I have any protein in my freezer) in 30 minutes, with frozen veggies on the side.

What does Mama make? She's an expert at throwing together whatever is in the fridge to make a stir fry over any type of noodle or fried rice. She could make cardboard edible with some baby corn and Maggi! But her favorite is Ketchup Macaroni, which her dad would make when her mom worked late. It's actually an Americanized Chinese noodle stir fry, even if it sounds more Italian.

I'm not sure what my mom served when under pressure. I don't really remember her being harried around dinnertime. Most of the food she made for dinner would have had to have been put together a couple of hours before (baked chicken, rump roast, stew), when we were at school. But I barely remember faster food, except maybe spaghetti every now and then. And that meatloaf (but she makes hers in a loaf, which takes longer than my muffin tin loaves). Swanson's tv dinners were for babysitter night and McDs was only when we were already out; I almost can't remember having pizza at home as a child.

Do you maintain any specific cultural heritage in your homecooking? I think, if you looked at my weekly menu, which rotates between new dish for us/leftovers for them and leftovers for us/new dish for them, you would guess that I'm a middle-class white woman of mixed Euro stock without too much sense of culinary adventure and a detectable Southern dedication to rouxs, gravies, greens, and cornbread. Well, you'd also know I'm a vegetarian but my kids are omnivores. Having become a vegetarian, I have been trying lots of new, often international recipes (though tonight it's a Euro peasant-style cabbage and bean stew in my crockpot, but it was Morocca chickpea stew the other day) and don't really make most of the foods my mom made us, even though they were all good. And the kids are in the picky stage and never eat much of anything so it makes little sense to make a whole roast for them (and that's not a quickie have-the-ingredients-ready meal anyway). They do inhale baked chicken with rice and gravy, well, the rice and gravy at least (and I do have a chicken in the freezer, but that would take some planning to defrost and then bake). Mama does go through stages where cooking Chinese and Thai food are more important to her and the kids do really like whatever she makes, as long as we say the recipe is Ar-Ma's. I think it's the soy sauce. And baby corn.

What do you make when you're in a hurry? Is it something from your childhood? Something you've just discovered? Will you try the recipes in the article? I will try them, but not on my harried nights. For those, I make meals I can throw together with my eyes closed. And that's just not going to be an Ecuadoran or Hungarian stew. Yet. Though, I used to think Pasta e Lenticchie was a challenge. It's all about practice I guess. And familiarity. Which is what makes homecooking homey.

-=-=-=-=-

Pasta e Lenticchie
I have really started to pare this down--no fresh parsley, cook the pasta separately so it reheats better, any kind of seasonings (instead of the hot pepper flakes), any kind of canned tomatoes (diced, crushed, stewed), any kind of starch actually. And I love all the varieties.

5 cups water
3/4 cups lentils
2 large cloves garlic, crushed
3 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
1 cup chopped canned plum tomatoes, with some juice
2 teaspoons salt
1/4 teaspoon hot red pepper flakes
1/2 pound vermicelli, or small tubular pasta, or pasta mista
2 rounded tablespoons finely cut or snipped parsley
Optional: extra-virgin olive oil and hot red pepper flakes or hot pepper oil, for garnish

In a medium saucepan, bring the water to a rolling boil, add the lentils, and cook, covered over medium-high heat, until nearly but not entirely tender, about 20 minutes. Add the garlic, the olive oil, the tomatoes, the salt and the pepper. Reduce the heat, cover and continue to simmer briskly for another 10 minutes, stirring a few times, or until the lentils are fully tender.
If using capellini, break it into 2 to 4-inch pieces and add them to the lentils. Cook, covered, at a steady simmer, stirring several times and scraping the bottom of the pot when you do. Cook until the pasta is just done, stirring more frequently as it gets closer to the point of being cooked. If using a small tubular pasta or pasta mista, cook the pasta at least halfway in plenty of salted boiling water. Drain the pasta, add it to the lentils and simmer to finish cooking the pasta.
When pasta is cooked to taste, remove the pot from the heat, stir in the parsley cover the pot, and let stand about 5 minutes before serving. Serve hot, passing hot pepper oil or the best-quality extra virgin olive oil for drizzling on top.

“Molto Mario”

-=-=-=-=-

Mama's Ketchup Macaroni
I can’t believe she adds ketchup and I freaked out the first time, but I’ve grown to like it.

macaroni
vegetables: bamboo shoots, waterchestnuts, snow peas, baby corn, straw mushrooms
ketchup
soy sauce
worchestershire sauce
chicken and fried egg, optional

Saute veggies, while boiling pasta separately. Add pasta to veggies and fry until slightly dry. Add ketchup, soy and worchestershire sauce. Mama likes it slightly burned.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

It's a Mad, Mad World

I've been contemplating for a few days now the various posts about anger, including Parenting.com's original article about a survey of 1,000 "representative" moms at MomConnection, Lisa Belkin then addressed the survey in "Are All Moms Mad at Dad?" setting off a barrage of comments, with a follow-up about asking for help. The original survey, summarized by Martha Brockenbrough at Parenting.com, basically found that


We love our husbands -- but we're mad that we spend more mental energy on the
details of parenting. We're mad that having children has turned our lives upside
down much more than theirs. We're mad that these guys, who can manage businesses or keep track of thousands of pieces of sports trivia, can be clueless when it comes to what our kids are eating and what supplies they need for school. And
more than anything else, we're mad that they get more time to themselves than we
do.



What is going on here? There have been several ideas floated by commentors: men are bad boys, women are whiny perfectionists, the anger is not as widespread as the survey seems to indicate, and motherhood is hard and does generate intense emotions. I didn't read all the comments on Belkin's original post so I don't know if anyone questioned the gendered basis of this survey. Are co-parents mad at other co-parents, i.e. are all mommies mad at mamas?

I have had my moments of being mad, furious, angry and full of rage from the depth of my soul about both big issues and little issues since we had kids. A kind of anger that surprised me in its ferocity, its unfamiliarity, its irrationality, its power. Was I actually mad at Mama? Sometimes. About dumb stuff, about all the stuff the survey participants noted--because she didn't notice things that needed to be done, because sometimes she made more work for me, because sometimes I envied her "free time" at work. But as one commentor noticed, I was often just mad in general and she was the first adult to get in my way, since I had the good sense not to be mad at the kids. And I was often more mad when I was more tired. Because I was frustrated, stuck, unable to get done what I wanted done, unable to let go, feeling incompetent, feeling overwhelmed, feeling unsure, feeling inferior, feeling alone. Even if I were one of two moms, I was still the only one at home. Now that the kids are older, I'm not as mad as I was, say, before they were 2, just as the survey found. Often the rage would come on and then dissipate quickly, as if a bubble had burst, as if I almost needed to get that mad to find some emotional release. I do that with crying but had never done it with anger before.

I don't think it's a gender thing, though the survey posited it that way and all the commentors I read thought of it in those terms. Because, of course, those are the majority of parenting pairs. I think the source of the anger is not a control/responsibility/power issue but actually one of communication in the face of isolation and disengagement. In the traditional parenting paradigm (does such a thing actually exist? Yep, I grew up in one, but what follows is a generic, even exagerated, depiction of the system and not exactly how it was in my family), Father goes to work while Mother stays home with the children. Mother takes care of the house, volunteers, plays bridge, etc while the kids are at school and Father is at work. After school, Mother provides transportation, snacks, homework assistance, and whatever else is needed. Then at night, she continues in her provider role giving everyone dinner and then gets the children in bed while Father relaxes. On weekends, there might be family time and Father might catch up on his own household chores. In this paradigm, which actually isn't too far from my own life now except "Father" is a Mama and I don't play bridge, Mother is in charge of house and kids because she is at home and with them the most. If Mother is exhausted and overwhelmed by the very real challenges and burdens of these duties, it is mainly because she feels isolated and alone, with no help, unable to do for herself. If Father becomes estranged from the family and operation of the household, it is mainly because the family and house function with or without his presence, which then would seem to give him permission to stay separate and distant (and it might even seem easier than disrupting the flow of things) This is the challenge: regardless of gender, both parents must work to stay involved and engaged with themselves, each other, and the family.

But, Mama grew up in a totally different family structure. Her parents both worked. And on days when her mother was teaching nights at the university, her father was in charge of dinner and homework and tuck-ins. Her parents split the parental responsibilities because no one parent was home the majority of the time. At least in Mama's family's situation, the gendered assumptions about who did what did not exist--no one assumed that Ma would be responsibile for more house and child issues than Gong just because she was a woman. I don't know how that happened but know they must have had strong communication skills to keep the system running. In the end, it's those communication skills that probably help keep the anger at bay.

Mama and I long ago decided that I was "head mommy in charge." While we were equal co-parents, in the end, for the simple reason that I would be spending more time with them, I was in charge. I got to delegate tasks, make major decisions in the event that we couldn't discuss (or agree), be in charge of their day-to-day routines, care, and discipline. By extension, because I was physically at home more, I was in charge of what one commentor called the "Control Journal," our own personal list of what needed to be done when. At first, I balked at the responsibility, not sure I was capable or up to the task. This was probably when all the anger peeked. But as with most aspects of motherhood, I've settled into my position and don't get as angry anymore. And I'm much better at asking Mama to add to her list of chores (like all the laundry and the garbage, which she does without needing to be reminded), help me when I fall behind, or whatever else we the family might need. And she's much better at not taking that personally. It only makes sense (for us)--why put the parent who is not at home as much in charge of the same, or more, number of things? That's not to say that SAHM-ness is one empty schedule able to be filled with housework and errands--of course not: I work a full day just like Mama does, but on the off chance I can squeeze in some household or child-oriented stuff, I do. Because I'm there. But Mama has made just as many phone calls to doctors and researched just as many, if not more, issues on the net because she can. It just seemed more efficient for us to divide things up. And has worked, with some modifications, thus far.

Is she angry at me? Of course there have been times. When I was whiny. When I was picky. When I was bossy. When I didn't let her know that I appreciated what she contributed. When we didn't communicate well. When she was experiencing her own unexplainable tidal rage. I mean, wasn't I at home all the time? Didn't I have a babysitter so I could have "free time?" Why wasn't I using that free time better? And did I really need to do things the way I did? Luckily, like mine, her anger ebbs and flows and has diminished in its strength.

But reading these articles reminds me of the constant presence of more emotion, yes more negative emotions, than before children. And each article reminds me of the real dangers of unresolved anger. Besides the damage done to moms, their partners, and their families emotionally,

You can also weaken your heart, harden your arteries, raise your cholesterol,
damage your kidneys and liver, and put yourself at risk for depression or
anxiety. It's no wonder that some scientists consider chronic anger more likely
to kill you prematurely than smoking or obesity.


But don't get mad about that . . . go talk to your co-parent.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Last of the Red Hot Separatists

When we lived in Chicago, we were on the social fringes of a community of lesbian separatists, those who came out as lesbians as well as active, political feminists in the 1970s. They had established womyn-born-womyn-only spaces, joined lesbian separatist think-tank collectives, established women's choruses and sports teams, volunteered for lesbian causes such as breast cancer awareness, absorbed women's music and feminist literature, embraced non-traditional spiritual practices, gathered in the same neighborhood in Chicago (Andersonville), often spent time on "the land," and existed as the "family of choice" for their lesbian sisters. All without men. Just like the women described in the article "My Sister's Keeper" in the NYTimes.

And like the lesbian separatists living on rural communes described in that article, they were a diminishing breed. Other, younger lesbians we met in Chicago couldn't fathom the existence much less the reasons behind womyn-born-womyn spaces. They eschewed the music, choruses, literature, etc., of the older generation. Mama, though, who had had what she called an "HQ 75" coming-out, a reference to the Dewey Decimal library classification number of the majority of lesbian studies books and periodicals, was well-versed in the history of the lesbian movement and liked being around its original participants, with whom she more closely identified than her hip, young, bi peers. And so we went to concerts, festivals, parties, parades, coffeehouses, collectives, potlucks, and the like, always as the youngest participants, sometimes by 20 years.

While we knew that their numbers were decreasing, the news has not been good since we left: the coffeehouse closed, the women's bookstore became more mainstream to attract more customers, the neighborhood was gentrified and the lesbians left, the local autumnal music fest seems to have disappeared. The only positive news is that the chorus continues on. And that they all still form a close-knit family, despite deaths, break-ups, and other dramas.

Perhaps we should celebrate that younger lesbians do not feel marginalized by society and no longer need a separate space. Perhaps we should be grateful that we don't have to decide between our separatist friends and activities and our 3 1/2 year old son (who would be too old to be welcomed in official separatist spaces). Indeed, we often wondered if it was the increase in lesbians having children, specifically man-children, that began the disappearance of womyn-born-womyn-only spaces.

Were we separatists? No. While we appreciated the struggles of our lesbian friends and respected their needs for a separate space (and enjoyed those spaces ourselves at times), we could not so easily dismiss people purely based on their gender, just as we asked not to be discriminated against because of our sexuality. As women with male relatives, male colleagues, and even male friends, we liked womyn-only space but believed it was not realistic, practical, or even fair. Now as the mothers of a boy, we even more stridently believe that men can't be rejected purely for being men--it's all about the inherent worth of every individual, even men. Especially our son.

In the end, though, the loss of vitality of that community makes us a little sad, a little nostalgic for what once was, a little adrift in a straight world. For we always loved being in those spaces, with those women, free of the negative effects of the existence of men (including subtle and sometimes not-so-subtle competition, lookism, sizism, sexism, misogyny, power struggles, and other attendant negatives), even while missing the positive effects. Even if we knew it was temporary, even if we knew it was artificial, even if we actually had men in our lives whom we loved. In the end, lesbians love women, are connected to and bonded with women, not just sexually but emotionally, physically, psychologically, and spiritually. And as even straight women know, sometimes it's nice to just hang out with the girls.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

In the Papers and On My Mind

Here's the latest survey of articles I've been thinking about:




  • Frank Rich's op-ed on the personal responsibility each of us holds for the last eight years and the downturn the country has taken is sobering reading. Of course, he was the one who called Americans the "Good Germans" ignoring their own Gestapo a few years ago in another powerful opinion piece.

  • With all the hubbub about the pre-recorded music of Yo-Yo Ma and company, I was quite gratified to read the positive article about arts funding which contained assertions that art jobs are just as important to the economy as manufacturing jobs. In fact, the arts apparently contribute $167 million dollars to the economy. I'm with Dr. American Modern in hoping that Obama appoints a culture minister (even if I don't care if it is Quincy Jones in particular) to elevate the visibility and respect for the arts in this country. Then perhaps I'll have a career to go back to!

  • "Choosing Your Own Exit," another post on end-of-life choices, linking to the New Old Age blog as well as other articles on geriatric health.
  • Two more on health: coffee and dementia (reduced risk of dementia and Type 2 diabetes? I'm drinking more coffee! Can it be decaf?) and cutting calories and memory (yet another link between insulin and memory).
  • David Brooks on individualism vs. institutionalism. It's an interesting way to consider how we define ourselves. I was certainly part of academia as an institution, but am on sabbatical from that, so to speak. Now, I'm part of motherhood as an institution (though, the other night, I suggested we should think of it as a craft--more on that another time), but one whose rules and traditions seem to be in flux. I'm going to have to give this one some more thought.
  • Last but not least, an essay on appreciating your parents at Motherlode. I'm already feeling somewhat unappreciated over here, even if it is more implicit than explicit. As for appreciating my parents, well, let's just say that the appreciation has definitely been deeper since my own parenthood. And I too have made those spur-of-the-moment "I'm sorry I was like that; I understand now" phone calls. Probably not the last ones, either. I mean, the kids are only 3 1/2. I have the whole teenage years ahead of me.