We love our husbands -- but we're mad that we spend more mental energy on the
details of parenting. We're mad that having children has turned our lives upside
down much more than theirs. We're mad that these guys, who can manage businesses or keep track of thousands of pieces of sports trivia, can be clueless when it comes to what our kids are eating and what supplies they need for school. And
more than anything else, we're mad that they get more time to themselves than we
do.
What is going on here? There have been several ideas floated by commentors: men are bad boys, women are whiny perfectionists, the anger is not as widespread as the survey seems to indicate, and motherhood is hard and does generate intense emotions. I didn't read all the comments on Belkin's original post so I don't know if anyone questioned the gendered basis of this survey. Are co-parents mad at other co-parents, i.e. are all mommies mad at mamas?
I have had my moments of being mad, furious, angry and full of rage from the depth of my soul about both big issues and little issues since we had kids. A kind of anger that surprised me in its ferocity, its unfamiliarity, its irrationality, its power. Was I actually mad at Mama? Sometimes. About dumb stuff, about all the stuff the survey participants noted--because she didn't notice things that needed to be done, because sometimes she made more work for me, because sometimes I envied her "free time" at work. But as one commentor noticed, I was often just mad in general and she was the first adult to get in my way, since I had the good sense not to be mad at the kids. And I was often more mad when I was more tired. Because I was frustrated, stuck, unable to get done what I wanted done, unable to let go, feeling incompetent, feeling overwhelmed, feeling unsure, feeling inferior, feeling alone. Even if I were one of two moms, I was still the only one at home. Now that the kids are older, I'm not as mad as I was, say, before they were 2, just as the survey found. Often the rage would come on and then dissipate quickly, as if a bubble had burst, as if I almost needed to get that mad to find some emotional release. I do that with crying but had never done it with anger before.
I don't think it's a gender thing, though the survey posited it that way and all the commentors I read thought of it in those terms. Because, of course, those are the majority of parenting pairs. I think the source of the anger is not a control/responsibility/power issue but actually one of communication in the face of isolation and disengagement. In the traditional parenting paradigm (does such a thing actually exist? Yep, I grew up in one, but what follows is a generic, even exagerated, depiction of the system and not exactly how it was in my family), Father goes to work while Mother stays home with the children. Mother takes care of the house, volunteers, plays bridge, etc while the kids are at school and Father is at work. After school, Mother provides transportation, snacks, homework assistance, and whatever else is needed. Then at night, she continues in her provider role giving everyone dinner and then gets the children in bed while Father relaxes. On weekends, there might be family time and Father might catch up on his own household chores. In this paradigm, which actually isn't too far from my own life now except "Father" is a Mama and I don't play bridge, Mother is in charge of house and kids because she is at home and with them the most. If Mother is exhausted and overwhelmed by the very real challenges and burdens of these duties, it is mainly because she feels isolated and alone, with no help, unable to do for herself. If Father becomes estranged from the family and operation of the household, it is mainly because the family and house function with or without his presence, which then would seem to give him permission to stay separate and distant (and it might even seem easier than disrupting the flow of things) This is the challenge: regardless of gender, both parents must work to stay involved and engaged with themselves, each other, and the family.
But, Mama grew up in a totally different family structure. Her parents both worked. And on days when her mother was teaching nights at the university, her father was in charge of dinner and homework and tuck-ins. Her parents split the parental responsibilities because no one parent was home the majority of the time. At least in Mama's family's situation, the gendered assumptions about who did what did not exist--no one assumed that Ma would be responsibile for more house and child issues than Gong just because she was a woman. I don't know how that happened but know they must have had strong communication skills to keep the system running. In the end, it's those communication skills that probably help keep the anger at bay.
Mama and I long ago decided that I was "head mommy in charge." While we were equal co-parents, in the end, for the simple reason that I would be spending more time with them, I was in charge. I got to delegate tasks, make major decisions in the event that we couldn't discuss (or agree), be in charge of their day-to-day routines, care, and discipline. By extension, because I was physically at home more, I was in charge of what one commentor called the "Control Journal," our own personal list of what needed to be done when. At first, I balked at the responsibility, not sure I was capable or up to the task. This was probably when all the anger peeked. But as with most aspects of motherhood, I've settled into my position and don't get as angry anymore. And I'm much better at asking Mama to add to her list of chores (like all the laundry and the garbage, which she does without needing to be reminded), help me when I fall behind, or whatever else we the family might need. And she's much better at not taking that personally. It only makes sense (for us)--why put the parent who is not at home as much in charge of the same, or more, number of things? That's not to say that SAHM-ness is one empty schedule able to be filled with housework and errands--of course not: I work a full day just like Mama does, but on the off chance I can squeeze in some household or child-oriented stuff, I do. Because I'm there. But Mama has made just as many phone calls to doctors and researched just as many, if not more, issues on the net because she can. It just seemed more efficient for us to divide things up. And has worked, with some modifications, thus far.
Is she angry at me? Of course there have been times. When I was whiny. When I was picky. When I was bossy. When I didn't let her know that I appreciated what she contributed. When we didn't communicate well. When she was experiencing her own unexplainable tidal rage. I mean, wasn't I at home all the time? Didn't I have a babysitter so I could have "free time?" Why wasn't I using that free time better? And did I really need to do things the way I did? Luckily, like mine, her anger ebbs and flows and has diminished in its strength.
But reading these articles reminds me of the constant presence of more emotion, yes more negative emotions, than before children. And each article reminds me of the real dangers of unresolved anger. Besides the damage done to moms, their partners, and their families emotionally,
You can also weaken your heart, harden your arteries, raise your cholesterol,
damage your kidneys and liver, and put yourself at risk for depression or
anxiety. It's no wonder that some scientists consider chronic anger more likely
to kill you prematurely than smoking or obesity.
But don't get mad about that . . . go talk to your co-parent.
