Anxieties Anonymous

When I told my mom that I had recently realized that I was an anxious person, she chuckled and said, "Of course you are.  I've known that since you were little."

How did I not know?

Sure, I would get stressful before tests and oral reports.  Most people do--you know the joke about people less nervous to be in the coffin than giving the eulogy.   I declined joining the Academic Decathlon team because competition made me too anxious; it still does.  But it didn't occur to me that I might be more anxious than other people.

I also got stressful--and would have digestive issues--before movies or theater performances or  meetings or on public transportation.   Or driving/being in the car.  Really, anywhere I felt "stuck."

New places also caused stress.  Traveling to new places caused stress.  As did something as simple as walking around--on campus, to the store, around the store, sightseeing, hiking--anything without a bathroom nearby, even if I didn't need it at the time.  Anxiety and its effects don't creep up every time--and I can't always predict when--I thought it was just the family stomach, IBS, really--my dad, my aunt, later I learned about my grandad probably too; now possibly one of the kiddos, which is another reason I've been exploring the topic.  I thought the physical was the dominant problem, with the anxiety swirling around it.  I wasn't like the stereotype of anxious that I had seen.  But I'm guessing the anxiety came first.  And no one ever really said anything about it to me, until very recently, even if/when they noticed.

Once I had kids, the stress was somewhat in abeyance.  New people did not make me nervous, nor did social activities; I was fine at playdates, music classes, Girl Scouts.

Though, carpooling and waiting in the car at pick-ups--more "stuck" places--were hard.

Are hard.

None of those are really in the past tense.

Once I hurt my back and later had abdominal surgery, I was nervous about re-injuring, over-extending, indications of pain.   The anxiety has definitely gotten worse since my emergency surgery and recovery.  I've had a few very overwhelming panic attacks and am more sensitive than I was . . . .

About all of the above, confrontations, phone calls, conflicts, things I've said, things I didn't say . . . . . unexpected or surprise events, things out of my control (and conversely, sometimes, being in charge),  being late, being embarrassed (feeling stupid), unpredictability, negative outcomes, possible emergencies, illness, death.

I think the list could go on.

My general response to many stimuli is anxiety, which for me goes straight to my stomach (and sometimes to my back.)  I've been discussing it with my therapist and GP, and practicing mindfulness techniques; we don't think meds are necessary at this time.  I attended a workshop on anxiety in children recently, which put my issues in perspective.  On the spectrum of anxiety issues, I think I'm just outside the realm of typical, in the middle of the line somewhere.  I'm not OCD, I'm not socially paralyzed, it doesn't alter my daily life in extreme, but I know in 45 years that I've altered what I do to avoid anxious triggers.  Otherwise, I've come up with ways (some successful, some not so much) to deal with them and Mama has always been very helpful and understanding.  I try to surround myself with similarly understanding, compassionate, supportive people and now I have quite the little crew that gets my quirks.

Sure, the argument could be made that they enable me.  But I'm progressing at the speed I can . . . . awareness is the key, right?

I'm telling you this because, well, you already know, just like my mom knew.   Now that I'm more aware, I can see the patterns and patterned responses.  I can work on changing them.  But also on accepting them.  And helping others to understand and accept me and all the anxious people like me.

Affirmations 2016

My affirmation list has gotten longer and I realized that it desperately needed an update (my original list of Affirmations is from last March, April, and then again in October.)  So, I'm making a new one, mainly for this year.

I have not had severely debilitating back pain in almost 5 whole years (my major episode was 6 years ago!)  Two years ago, Memorial Day 2014 when I had back pain, I still functioned and did things.

My surgery was almost a year ago and I am so much better.  

• I can drive as far and walk as much as I did before my surgery.
• I can do so many things without my brace:  go on outings, play the piano, cook dinner, push the cart around the grocery store, fold the laundry, unload the dishwasher, watch tv from the couch, sit to meditate, sit at the dinner table, clean the litterboxes, meditating on my zafu/cushion, and do all of my stretches and exercises.  And I can do several of these in a row in one day without any problem, most days.  Some of these were hard before surgery; my PT thinks my core might be stronger than before.
• I know what foods most upset my system and can work around them.
• I am more skillful at staying in the present when I have pain or anxiety.

Recently, I have successfully navigated:

• evening performances at Lincoln Center and Broadway;
• the all-day rehearsal time and then performance of Bud's kung fu at Lincoln Center;
• walking 10 blocks, eating in a restaurant, and walking back 10 blocks;
• back-to-back museum exhibitions;
• test driving and buying a new car;
• conducting various GS meetings (including Bronze Award!) and (soon) standing at the GS cookie booth;
• being in charge--rides, meals, chores, etc.--as the only adult for the whole weekend;
• (soon) parented alone for a whole weekend, with all the driving and meals etc;
• complete a huge crocheted blanket;
• passing my CPR test, with 3+ minutes of demonstration of compressions, etc.;
• driving Bud to a performance, staying to watch, and driving home;
• walking the marsh and the beach to look for the Snowy Owl;
• lightsaber sparring with Bud; 
• cleaning the porch with Mama;
• pick up dear Mr. P and carry him when he was ill;
• walked on rocky/shelly beaches looking sea glass (home and Block Island);
• attending a weekend knitting retreat (with lots of sitting!);
• walking labyrinths (at retreat and Block Island);
• walking on wooded paths, where I saw an owl (retreat);
• attended several parties;
• sat through SW7 three times (once followed by dinner!);
• Chinese New Year, with several sessions of kneeling to pray;
• regular doctors' appointments;
• one word:  colonoscopy;
• and more that I can't even remember.

Our Weekend

We're doing pretty well.

My optimism about a "normal" week, even a new normal, was dashed when Sis developed a fever Thursday afternoon and so missed school on Friday.  This means, out of almost two weeks, we had one day that resembled our previously normal schedule.

Last night, we ate Vietnamese and watched Men in Black, not up for much else (we got Vietnamese because she doesn't really like it and wasn't hungry anyway.)

Her fever has broken, but she's still feeling pretty wiped.  So, we're home.  There's been a lot of "Phineas and Ferb" and chicken soup.  Right now, I'm introducing her to "Glee."  I'm not sure it will take.

Bud is at an all-day kung fu workshop.  He'll practice with his team, have lunch, hang out, and then go to a performance at a local community center later this afternoon.  It'll be a fun day for him and his team friends.    Mama's at IKEA to get a new bookcase; we're rearranging the basement some since there aren't any cats down there; Mojito now lives on the first floor exclusively, sleeping on the dryer (preferably running) and wandering around the living room and kitchen looking for attention (this makes us happy that he's no longer hiding down there.)  Albus and Hermione own the house again.  We smile more about Mr. P than cry, though there are a few tears everyday.

If all goes well with Sis, we're headed into the city tomorrow afternoon to take Ma to dinner for her birthday and then . . .

We have tickets to The Secret Garden at Lincoln Center!!!!  It's a concert in honor of the 25th anniversary of this great Broadway show (which Mama saw with Daisy Eagan; I saw it on tour in Houston.  We both love it.)  Several of the Broadway stars we've seen recently are in it--Sydney Lucas (Fun Home), Sierra Boggess (Phantom of the Opera), Ramin Karimloo (Les Miserables), Telly Leung (Allegiance), and, yes, even Daisy Eagan!!

It's funny that we'll be in the same theater Bud performed in a week ago.

So, pretty good.

All's Well

Good news first:  colonoscopy was normal.  I've healed from the emergency surgery in the spring and there are no anomalies.  So, the lingering issues are IBS-related and can be mitigated by the  low-FODMAPs diet.

Otherwise, prep lasted from 4 PM last night til midnight and started again at 3:45 a.m.  It sucked.  AND I started my period in the midst of it all.

Then, this morning, I was so dehydrated that the three kind nurses, including the anesthesia nurse, stuck me multiple times and used all manner of special techniques and a valve (?) to get it to work, 45 minutes later.  I've always been an easy stick so this was a surprise.

But the propofol worked beautifully (though it really stung going in, even with lidocaine, because my veins were thin, they said.  They also said I was shivering because of the dehydration.  Didn't think I'd dehydrate with the 4 LITERS of nastiness I drank plus all the broth and ginger ale.)

I was home not long after noon.

So, glad that's over and done with.

Thanksgiving Come and Gone

We had a delightful feast on Thursday; indeed, it's been a good holiday weekend all around.

The festivities started as soon as school let out and Goo arrived not long after.  He stayed until Friday evening, during which time there were many rounds of computer games of various types, mainly Minecraft.  It's like having another kid in the house--he's a great, fun, interesting uncle and they love him so!

Bonus:  he's old enough to help cook!  He actually supervised Sis making the yams and Bud making the from-scratch green bean casserole.  This definitely helped make it a less-stressful cooking day for me.  That, and cutting 8-odd dishes!  In the end, we had:

• "Texas Trash" chex mix
• cream cheese with both spiced cranberry and sherry wine jams, with crackers (both jams were Wildtree)
• turkey
• gravy
• dressing
• oyster dressing (we made 1 1/2 batches of my dressing and then Mama and Bud doctored it with parsley, lemon, bell pepper, and of course oysters)
• fresh cranberry sauce
• canned cranberry sauce
• mashed potatoes (store-bought, Whole Foods)
• creamed spinach (store-bought--my least favorite dish, could drop it next year)
• the best yeast rolls ever!!
• pumpkin pie (store-bought, Michelle's Pies)
• apple pie (store-bought)
• a few little pies--pecan, pecan pumpkin, sweet potato, and a luscious lemon (would be good for Easter)
• I had made "Indian" pudding as well but it wasn't that good--just doesn't work in crockpot

It was so good that Sis lost a tooth during the proceedings!  And a holiday sub Tooth Fairy came that night, albeit a little late . . . .

We watched the parade in the morning and then "Charlie Brown's Thanksgiving" while napping in the afternoon.  Ma and Gong went back to NYC in the evening, while Goo stayed for another day of games and leftovers.

Saturday was a bit different:  we did our annual holiday trip to the British Shop to get mincemeat pies, Christmas pudding, brandy butter, crackers, special crisps (Bud's favorite--favourite?--is prawn cocktail, followed by Worchestershire), Crunchie bars, and other things.  We followed this up with lunch at our favorite German food place.  Because we were tired of turkey.

Today, we're getting back into the swing of things--laundry, cleaning out the dishwasher, a quick grocery run for school lunches.  And I am starting the prep for my baseline colonoscopy tomorrow.  Fun times.  I'm hangry (hungry + angry) and PMSing and so Mama has taken the kids out for lunch, away from me!  We'll watch what I expect to be another difficult and emotional Doctor Who later, maybe put up the outdoor Christmas lights.  

And even though the weekend is ending on a rather mundane note, it was a good weekend.

Successes

Yesterday--a holiday from school for our kids for Yom Kippur--was a day of which I can be proud.

First, I have "leveled up" in physical therapy, meaning she switched out all my old exercises for new, harder ones.  Yay?  So, while the old ones had become much easier, the new ones kicked my butt and I admit to being a bit disappointed at how hard the new ones are.  But it's progress and, hopefully soon, these new ones will be easy.

Secondly, the Girl Scout troop went on a 6 mile bike ride yesterday!  Now, before you are paralyzed with shock that I rode a bike for 6 miles, know that I didn't.  Both kids did, along with their troop and some moms, but I was the anchor crew, staying with my van at the starting point, then meeting them at the lunch spot (with some of their stuff in tow), and then meeting them at the finishing point.  While it doesn't seem like much, I was proud of my ability to do all the driving and waiting without being uncomfortable--we were out for almost 3 hours.

But the biggest achievement came late in the day.  I had my first Lay Ministry meeting at church, some thirty minutes away.  And I drove myself!  At the end of the long day!  This is quite an accomplishment:  the farthest I've driven since my surgery (and the farthest I had managed to drive in the years before that)!    And this after an already physically taxing day.  I was also sitting in a meeting with a new minister and people I did not know, which could have created a little bit of stress but didn't.  We had all gathered to brainstorm on updating our strategies for supporting the minister in offering pastoral care to our church members, including hospital and home visits, possible meals and rides, even the prayer shawl ministry.  I also spoke briefly to the minister afterwards and she said we should talk about my ideas for seminary and chaplaincy; she had yet another path I could consider taking.  So exciting.  I didn't even get home to almost 9:30 pm, after tuck in!

By then, I was too energized to sleep, talked Mama's ear off til late, and then fell sound asleep in my book, even though I thought I was awake enough to read for hours.

A great day.

What Goes Around

Three kids of one friend and three kids of another; and two kids of yet another; and one kid of one friend and one kid of another.

And both kids of mine.

Yep, the fall colds have hit town.  With only 10 days of school under our belts, we've had enough time  to spread germs and everybody seems to have sick kids.  No fevers, for the most part, but lots of stuffy noses and headaches and coughs.   Sis coughed so hard tonight she lost dinner.  It all came on rather fast--she felt fine going into dinner.  Bud woke up sniffly very early this morning but didn't complain about it until after school.

So our quiet weekend will serve a double purpose.

I hope all the kids get well soon.

Our Anniversary Weekend Getaway

This weekend was our sometimes-annual tradition of a weekend alone in the city (see here and here; we went to Block Island in 2014)--what we have called a nano-honeymoon--perfectly timed with our actual 18th anniversary.  And we had a wonderful time!  While the kids stayed with their NYC grandparents eating their way across Queens and going to the beach (even boogie boarding on the waves!  Think tummy surfing with a smaller board), Mama and I returned to our favorite hotel near Union Square and had a delightful three days.

FRIDAY

We actually started our weekend, after dropping off the kids, in Midtown--at 61st near 1st, at the old Mount Vernon Hotel Museum.  Built as a mansion with carriage house in the late 18th century, the carriage house became a "day hotel" (think 19th-century spa) with parlors for the ladies to sew, play music, visit, and take tea, and fishing and a horse-trotting track for the gentleman, with a big supper for all.  Miraculously, the building survived (Thanks, Con Ed!  They bought it way back when and didn't tear it down) and is now administer by the Colonial Dames.   Gommie, you might remember this--it was known as the Abigail Adams Smith House when you went, I think.  Well, like Gommie, I love a good house museum and this one had great fake food (that three-tiered gelatin dessert!  those blackberries!  even that oyster pie!), a remarkable parlor barrel organ, and a complete traveling whiskey case with gold-painted glass bottles in all sorts of odd shapes. We also liked the shop, where Mama picked up the little owl that features in most of our pictures instead of one of us (she did the same, with a different little owl that was mistakenly left at home, on her own trip into the city about a month ago.)

We headed to our hotel next, the indulgent Inn at Irving Place, where we've stayed the last two times, and were even able to get into our lovely room early.  I always love the period kitsch, tastefully arranged without too much thought to historiocity; a little nicer than shabby chic, it is very comfortable and evokes a different time for me (but with air conditioning!)  It's also very conveniently located right near Union Square, which affords us a great neighborhood to explore and dining options to try.  Mama had assiduously researched special GF/DF/FODMAPS dining options for me and found several in the area.  And not just meat and rice.  We started with french fries from our favorite Maoz, which we ate while perusing the Union Square Green Market, on our way to the Lion Brand yarn shop.  

Loved these bags; wish they were t-shirts

The Lion Brand yarn shop had a great all-yarn (mostly knit) farmer's market display in its window and the staff walked around helping customers while knitting and crocheting!  I can't imagine.  I had fun seeing all the various yarn colors and textures, plus notions and accessories, and only brought home half a bag of yarn!  Okay, their bags are really big, but still.  I even finished a mandala in the Landscapes Boardwalk (which, I must admit, I liked better as a skein than as a finished piece--for me, there is too much murky green and brown and ugly orange!  And the colors change so quickly that the striping didn't work well in the rounds.  Oh, well, it felt wonderful and I enjoyed the crocheting nonetheless.)  Mama even got an Amigurumi book. (She isn't a yarn hoarder like I am.  Yet.)

I might be getting my days switched, but we visited the art supplies store on Friday, too.  Mama perused everything like a kid in the proverbial candy shop, picking up a pencil case and some other items.  We spent a lot of down time on this trip just hanging out in our lovely room and engaging in some of our hobbies--crochet, drawing, reading--in the serene peace and quiet.  I loved the afternoon light through our tall windows.  We also ate take out in our room a few times.  Our late-afternoon snack Friday was from Hu's kitchen, which had a GF/DF dessert called Maple "Creme Brulee" made with taro and coconut milk; Mama enjoyed a "Diesel Walker" or something, which was sloppy joe beef on a baed of sauteed "grandmaster veg."  Late that night, we had GF rosemary-potato-ricotta pizza, a lovely GF truffle ham sandwich, and a GF nutella strawberry dessert pizza from Pie by the Pound.  At some point, and I can't recall when, we also got a snack from Wok to Walk, cilantro-laden noodles with spicy sauce for her, chicken teriyaki rice for me.  As I said, we did manage to find some great food.

SATURDAY
We started this day off, after "sleeping in" til 8:30 a.m., with a long-awaited trip to Friend of a Farmer, a restaurant I had seen advertised and had wanted to visit since my grad school days 20 years earlier!  While I was sad to have to skip the renown pancakes, I did enjoy a skillet omelet and home fries.  We also got a sampling of their homemade breads, of which I ate this incredible lemon one (half a slice, willing to take the consequences, which never materialized.)  Mama enjoyed her crab cakes benedict and cheese grits.  What a way to start the day!

You would think we don't get food in Connecticut because we stopped at the Bradford Cheese Shop next and had fun choosing delicacies to take home.  Well, in truth, our little corner of CT has an overabundance of pizza, diners, and take-out Chinese, not much else (unless you look really hard, but we have found nearby enough Peruvian, Indian, vegetarian at Bloodroot); at least, we have both a Whole Foods and a Trader Joe's.    We got special Fentiman's soda, including my favorite Rose Lemonade and Mama's favorite Shandy (lemonade and beer, a British combo), some GF treats, lots of odd potato chip flavors for Bud, some caramels for Sis; more than half the fun was perusing the international variety on the neat shelves.


Later that day was the highlight of our trip, Fun Home, the musical.  In case you don't know, Fun Home is based on the autobiographical, "tragicomedy" graphic novel by famed lesbian cartoonist, Alison Bechdel.  She focuses on both her coming-out narrative and her closeted, gay father's suicide four months later, in a wonderful, richly-layered story of her life at different ages (mainly, elementary school, college, and adulthood.)  We had known and enjoyed her nationally-syndicated Dykes to Watch Out For comic strip for 20 years and read the graphic novel when it came out.  But we never knew it could be a musical!

And what a musical it was!  I had seen "little Alison" actress Sydney Lucas perform "Ring of Keys" on the Tonys and instantly loved the song.  It reminded me of Mama, when we first met (except she had jeans):

Your swagger and your bearing
And the just-right clothes you're wearing
Your short hair and your dungarees
and your lace-up boots
and your ring of keys.

It's only missing her flannel shirt, baseball cap, (SW 25, i.e. Stonewall Riots 25th anniversary), and her omnipresent, omnipotent Swiss Army knife.

We both loved the musical.  First, the 1970s period details--the photo cube, the box tv on the floor which the kids sprawl in front of, the "Partridge Family," the clothes, even the exclamation "tough titties!" (where did we get that, anyway?)  Though, I didn't grow up with a dad who ran a funeral home--a "fun home"--like she did, but I remembered many of the other bits.  Mama recognized the old bags from Macy's, the Strand, and Li-Lac Chocolates.

The performance was unique, being played in the round at Circle in the Square, an intimate theater.  It was also played straight through, with no intermission or late seating.  In fact, we were in a section where we weren't allowed to get up and leave at all, behind the little orchestra, by a trap door!  Big Alison sat at the base of our stairs a couple of times.  You really felt like a ghost in Alison's life, experiencing its layers as she remembered it.  And the actors were top-notch.  So amazing.  The actress playing Big Alison is a lesbian, too and makes the show.  Middle Alison played it with no make up and is so believable as an awkward college dyke.  And Little Alison, just 12 years old . . . wow, just wow.

But it really was the coming out story that resonated with us--from Little Alison's awareness of not fitting in sometimes (dresses, barrettes) to her crush in college and first forays into lesbian culture and sex (which elicited groans from Big Alison--"I didn't even know what Take Back the Night was!"  and "I had a crush on my first grade teacher!" to being scared of hanging out with "real lesbians" and that first major romance "I'm majoring in Joan . . . ."--there were often two Alisons on the stage at once, drawing connections between different parts of her story) to the pain of coming out to parents, with silences and awkward conversations (I know what it's like to send that letter.)  You could definitely tell where the lesbians in the audience were because we laughed loudly at the same parts (and there were so many more lesbian couples than I have ever seen at a Broadway show, ever.)  It was so special and really resonated; we just never see lesbians in Broadway shows.    Perfect, perfect, perfect.  Especially for the 18th anniversary of our own little lesbian love story (20 if you count from the very beginning, but Aug 23 is the date we like to count best.)

Whew.  We processed the entire experience over a late lunch at Otto, Mario Batali's pizza place.  He is very GF friendly and so I got a GF spaghetti carbonara that was delicious.  Mama had a seafood appetizer with little dishes of cuddlefish, cod, anchovy, mussels, calamari and the like treated in different cold, pickly salads.  We also loved the spinach, ricotta insalata, salad with honeyed truffle oil!  Decadent.  And the desserts!  Olive oil gelato with passion fruit granita and basil syrup with a sprinkle of salt--I got a big bite of salt and thought it was awful but second tastings, after Mama's reassurances, revealed it to be a marvelous concoction.  I got the lemon meringata.  YUM!  We walked nearby Washington Square, where Mama spent summers as a child when her mom was finishing her Ph.D. at NYU, reminiscing about her childhood at Bobst library, our time in NYC together, that fateful day 18 years ago (after a fight of all things--just like in the movies when the sparring characters kiss!--but we were fighting long distance Chicago to NY over the plot of Bar Stories and its implications and then, well, we weren't fighting), September 11, and other times.

We sauntered home via the Strand bookstore, where we picked up some books for the kids, souvenirs for our cat sitters, and a couple of craft books.  I came across a few reminders of dear Aunt Sis--an artsy epistolary book called Griffin and Sabine that she had given me decades ago and a pair of art socks (was it Van Gogh?) that I had taken her just last December.  Bittersweet.  We enjoyed a slow walk home; it was cooler on Saturday than Friday, remarking on the various buildings (we always realize anew that the house across the street was Washington Irving's)--and even the plantings!  (Because if a plant can survive the sidewalks of NY, surely it will survive our yard)  I think there are a few more caladium varietals we can try.   We spent the rest of the night in our room, playing with art supplies and yarn, just talking and hanging out, like we did in NYC when we met in 1994.

SUNDAY

We had planned to attend a Friends church service at the historic meeting house in Queens, but when the time came, we were more content to laze around and talk.  We picked up some GF treats at a nearby coffee shop and had tea in our hotel parlor, while reading bits from the Sunday Times to each other.  Yay, panda twins!  Boo, abortion restrictions in Ohio!  Great bit on Tig Notaro!  Plus lots of articles we skipped because they'd been online all week already (there's an article on 36 hours in Burlington, VT, Ms. Sew and Sow.)

We checked out around noon and grabbed lunch at British fish and chips shop, A Salt and Battery.  Mmm, vinegar on chips, bangers with a curry sauce (Mama loves that curry sauce!), and another Shandy for Mama.  We grabbed some last-minute treats from the British shop next door (more rose teas, various crisps flavors for Bud, some Crunchie bars for Sis, a TARDIS mug.)  I would've loved to go to Tea and Sympathy, next door (all three are owned by the same couple), but would've been sad to forego my usual non-GF/DF favorite scone and clotted cream.

We drove out to get the kids, down the West Side, past the WTC and City Hall, across the Brooklyn Bridge, and through various neighborhoods til we reached the beach.    The kids had a marvelous time as well and we were all sorry to see the weekend end.

Until next year . . . .

Stomaching This

All the tests have come back negative:  I don't have celiac disease, Crohn's, a build-up of unwelcome bacteria in my gut, or anything else abnormal.

Which means that the discomfort and difficulties that have increased since my surgery are most likely due to a return of inflammatory bowel disease, IBS, whatever you like to call it.  I've had it since childhood but mostly had it licked in the last ten years or so, mostly due to my vegetarian diet.

But not anymore.  I can literally not stomach beans, cabbage, broccoli, tofu, or many of my usual staples.

And so the GI doctor has put me on a very restricted diet, called FODMAPS, which removes 6 major food carbohydrates from my intake--wheat, dairy, soy, and a whole host of fruits and vegetables (besides all legumes, broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage, and the like, I can't have any stone fruit, apples, avocados, onions garlic, mushrooms,and a whole host of other odd fruits and veg.)  The list is impossible to keep track of without the two long lists taped to my fridge and the new app on my phone (I also got a few new cookbooks, such as they are.)  Oddly, I find losing onions and garlic the hardest part so far!  I can even get a mocha frappuccino with coconut milk once in awhile.

I'm supposed to follow that for three months and check back with him.  It is possible that I can add one or more of the chemicals from the acronym back to my diet, but I doubt I'll get all of them.  And I've felt so crummy that I'm not even really upset about it.  Sure, it's been a rough two weeks adapting to it, both mentally and physically, and I do miss many of my favorite things--I'm variously resigned, aggravated, overwhelmed, sad, grumpy, willing--but I don't like feeling sick and being indisposed, and there are so many GF and DF substitutes on the market.  It is cutting into our eating out, but we have located some places that will work.  And I still get tea, coffee, rice, potatoes . . . and, well, lots of meat.  The doctor said no vegetarianism for the present--it would be too challenging without the beans, tofu, and nuts I relied on.

And it could be worse.

Mama and the kids are being great about it.

And the kids at least are glad I'm not cooking any beans.

Back in the Swing of Things

I started physical therapy last week.  And even my beloved, favorite therapist was impressed, though perhaps that's not the right word (stunned, maybe), with how things have not recovered.  I can't even suck in my stomach.  While daily pain has pretty much gone away (right around week 12 or 13), there is still such incredible weakness that is, in turn, knotting up my back, glutes, SI, and even hip muscles; they're in a constant state of stressed.  Which is why, after exertion or just in the evenings, I don my brace--I quite literally can't hold myself up anymore.  I was starting to think I was just being wimpy or that it was all in my head.  But it's not.

She spent the whole time working her knuckle into my SI area and I was sure I'd be bruised.  So tight.    She says to put on my brace when I need it because otherwise I'll hurt something.  No wonder neither my surgeon nor physiatrist want me to lift more than 10-15 lbs ever again (risk of incisional hernia) and delayed allowing me to start physical therapy.   For now, I'm doing 2--that's 2--pelvic tilts and just a few attempts at tummy sucking (while breathing out--because I had been using my diaphragm to move my abdomen!)  And I'm walking 7-15 minutes, as able, a few times a day.

Recently, someone said they couldn't believe how limited I still was.  Ouch.  Major surgery will do that.  It's not called "major" for nothing.   And I've been told by more than one doctor that I make a lot of scar tissue, have healing issues, and low muscle tone.  It could take a year for me to get back to my old normal.   Am I surprised?  Sometimes.  So no wonder someone else might be.

Still, I see it as progress.  I only take pain pills occasionally and then only the Tylenol with codeine, which is on the low end of my pain pill scale.  And I'm doing more than ever since the surgery--under optimal circumstances, this includes short driving, eating in restaurants, pushing a grocery cart, unloading the bottom rack of the dishwasher, doing laundry, playing piano for 15+ minutes, extended sitting (like a movie),  walking around stores, hour-long car rides.  Mama and the kids do or help me do everything else; after all this time, especially since they're older, we have a good system in place.   It makes things easier during this next phase of post-surgery recovery.  What's that cliche about a marathon not a spring?  Not that a running metaphor really works for me, but still. . . . slow and steady . . . maybe next week I can do 4 pelvic tilts!

Blessing the Hands

"Clearing" by Martha Postlewait
Do not try to save
the whole world
or do anything grandiose.
Instead, create a clearing
in the dense forest of your life
and wait there
patiently,
until the song
that is your life
falls into your own cupped hands
and you recognize and greet it.
Only then will you know
how to give yourself
to this world
so worthy of rescue.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Today was our annual hospice volunteer luncheon, which is always a fun and touching event.   And I was so excited to go--I made it the whole time!! This is huge because I haven't eaten in a restaurant--in uncomfortable chairs!--since my surgery.  And you know how I love eating in different restaurants.  I also haven't seen my hospice friends since March either, so it was good to see them.  It gets lonely at home by myself.

It was a lovely event, with a special blessing of the hands that the chaplain performed. "May your hands be blessed as you offer compassionate care to those that you touch," she said.  Actually, we perform it on each other, saying a blessing or a wish for the person next to us as he or she dips fingers in the basin.   "In this work, may you be a comfort to others and, when you are in need, may you be comforted," I said to the person next to me.  The person on my other side wished me healing and a full life.  

And we ate great food!  It's so much nicer not to be a vegetarian at these events--pasta is usually the phoned-in dish.  But the rest of it was delicious.  (I do feel the pull of vegetarianism strongly, but it will probably just be a larger percentage, not total.)  There were also cake pops, as there always are at our gatherings; someone in the office makes them--and I get sent home with extras for the kids!

All the volunteers received nice swag--both volunteer appreciation bags with candy and pens and such, and things with our company logo on it (an insulated lunchbox--last year was a picnic blanket--we are part of a multi-state corporation that provides hospice; they are required by federal law to have a volunteer corps--it's a nice change from non-profits sometimes!  We eat better.)--and were recognized for our work.  The daughter of a former patient gave a moving speech about how our hospice team helped with her mother's dying.  It was a nice addition to hear from a family member, especially since we have no contact with the family after the death (that's the bereavement team.)

I love this work and I really like my team.  Today was extra-special because of these last few months.  It's nice to be a volunteer again, and not a patient!!!

(Though, thankfully, not anywhere near a hospice patient in March.)

-=-=-=-=-=-

Blessed be the hands that have touched life.
Blessed be the hands that have nurtured creativity.
Blessed be the hands that have held pain.
Blessed be the hands that have embraced with passion.
Blessed be the hands that have closed in anger.
Blessed be the hands that have planted new seeds.
Blessed be the hands that have harvested ripe fields.
Blessed be the hands that have cleaned, washed, and scrubbed.
Blessed be the hands that have become wrinkled with years.
Blessed be the hands that are scarred from doing justice.
Blessed be the hands that have reached out and been received.
Blessed be the hands that feed those who are hungry.
Blessed be the hands that comfort the dying and touch the dead.
Blessed be the hands that greet strangers.
Blessed be the hands that guide the young.

Blessed be these hands.

Feeling Better

No pain pills yesterday.

And feeling good today.

(except for some side effects of drinking all that damned contrast drink)

Grateful.

Diagnosis

Well, the CT scan showed not only diverticulosis (a small pouch pushed in my colon, but not infected) but also a burst ovarian cyst and extra fluid in my abdomen.  No wonder this week sucked.  (And Lambeth, before you say it, neither had anything to do with my over-reaching my abilities!)

The irony is that diverticulosis is caused by a low-fiber diet, something I had mainly because of the surgery--I was told a bland diet, which is defined as having no whole grains, very cooked vegetables, etc., --not my usual beans and broccoli and cabbage!

Oh, well.

Time to go back to my mostly vegetarian routine.  I'll consult a GI specialist and my GYN just to be sure we're doing everything we can.

But my surgery incision, etc., looks good.  And that is no small thing to be grateful for.

Release!

I saw my wonderful surgeon today and am done!  My granuloma is gone; there's no more drainage.  I will always be at higher risk for a small bowel obstruction just because I've had abdominal surgery; same with abdominal incision hernias.  So, I'm supposed to take continuous nausea, vomiting, pain, and particularly the lack of bowel movements or gas very seriously.  I'm also not supposed to lift anything more than 15-20 lbs, namely anything that would cause strain, which would cause an incision hernia (along where I have a diastasis recti and two hernias already.)  Still, otherwise, I am good to go.  And I can bathe and swim!  I've decreased my painkillers, down to just Tylenol with Codeine.  And I go see my physiatrist (pain doctor) tomorrow about PT to start to strengthen my core.  She said I could call her if I had questions or any of the above.

And I presented her with a pretty purple-y "Sunset Stripes" large Granny Square afghan, as a thank you for all of her care.  She was impressed that I had made it and grateful.  We talked a little about my plans, even hospice chaplaincy, and she was kind to say she thought I'd be good at it.

So an experience that started on a very low note in an emergency room eight weeks ago, in many ways officially ended today on a high note.  Sure, the healing isn't over, but it's a new phase.  And at least today (bored as I am most days, and still limited in many things), I'm optimistic.

Not Quite Midsomer

The weather today is only about 62F, with some watery sunshine.  Definitely more spring than the unofficial start of summer with Memorial Day this weekend.

Stoke Poges

Turville

And I continue my recovery at home, watching a lot of television.  My go-to show right now (since I watched all of season 3 of "Vikings") is "Midsomer Murders," an hour-long British murder mystery series which started in 1997 and is still running!  I think I'm on series 8 right now (you know, the BBC series have fewer episodes per season than in the US--10-13 or so each year if you're very lucky--just ask the "Sherlock" fans.)  It's gentle and well-done, with gorgeous scenery; each narrative is solved in a single show.  Lots of thatched cottages, red brick buildings, half-timbered buildings, huge country houses, old pubs, stone churches with lychgates, and English gardens filling the dozens of towns (like Midsomer Worthy, Midsomer Were, Midsomer whatever!) in fictional Midsomer county (a county with a very high murder rate!)  It's filmed around Wallingford, Oxfordshire and many other places.  There are a ton of regional accents, which I never can identify.  My favorite part is the numerous depictions of British daily life--well, a kind of insular, white, middle class Britain that probably hasn't existed in decades, if ever--I'm not sure there has ever been a person of color in the show yet, much less an immigrant (well, unless from Ireland!)  So it's definitely nostalgic and idyllic, with its numerous town fairs and festivals, horse races, regattas, bell ringing competitions, flower shows, etc., even if there is a murder thrown in to muddle things.  I recommend it if you liked "Murder, She Wrote" . . .  or England, and if "Broadchurch," "The Fall," or "Prime Suspect" are a little too dark for you.

I realized I watch a lot of British shows and was glad to hear that many of them--"Call the Midwife," The Fall," "Broadchurch," "Grantchester," "Vikings," "Mr. Selfridge," and "Doctor Who"--had been renewed.  And "Downton Abbey" will end after this series.

Beaconsfield

Aldbury Pond

Amersham

I think you could chalk up my Anglophilic wanderlust to these shows (or is it vice versa?), even.  We're still planning our vacation for next June, though now we've dropped Scotland (we think the kids need to be older for Scotland) and are focusing on "just" England again.  Since Bud is so into Camelot, maybe we'll do Glastonbury.  And I've always wanted to see Canterbury.  And we'd all do London again.  The Lainston in Winchester is a must-return, too, when we see Lambeth and Mrs. Lambeth. Which means we're all over the map!  No doubt it will change, too.
Especially if I seek out some of the filming locations of "Midsomer Murders!"

Next 48 Hours

I'll be on my own, really on my own, for about 36 hours, starting tomorrow morning when the kids leave for school.  Mama is taking them to their grandparents' house in Queens right after school to attend a family memorial for Lao Gong early on Wednesday morning, the 100th day after his death.  It's not so much a set ritual, as they will host a Chinese New Year-like meal with prayers--and set an empty chair for him for the first time.

No, I won't be going.  It's too much car, too much activity, and I don't want the focus to be on me for this event.  Though, I would have been glad to be there for Mama, as no doubt it will be hard.  But the children will provide levity and a distraction.

I'll be home, doing what I do--which is mostly watching tv and crocheting.  I did manage a run to the store today--and got some light provisions--and picked up a mocha frappuccino, which I dropped trying to enter the house with one too many things in my hands.  Double frustration:  dropping a drink I had barely put a dent in and then having trouble cleaning it up on my own!  (It hit the door frame and bounced between the porch wall and the deck box.  Lovely.)  I threw down some towels and hoped for the best.  But it's just pissy.  (Leaning over sometimes puts too much pressure on my incision.  Ouch.  Especially with the wear and tear of intermittent coughing and sneezing from allergies.)

Otherwise, it was a nice day.  Some new skirts arrived and a book of tea treats from a magazine I subscribed to.  I caught up on "Outlander" (which was nasty with torture, the penultimate season episode), "Mr. Selfridge," and "Call the Midwife," which included both a deaf woman (and British sign is just that much different than American!) and two closet lesbians (it is 1960 or so after all) separated when one is badly injured in an accident and is brought home by her parents (a bit reminiscent of that part of If These Walls Could Talk 2.)  I talked to both Gommie and Lambeth, who were checking up on me.

There's not much to report.  I get bored, but I manage.  My body is as good as can be expected 7 1/2 weeks out (though my skin on my stomach has called it quits with bandages, even with paper tape.)  The cats all keep me company.  I like the cool, rainy weather; I did not like Sunday's high near 80F.

Not sure if I'll have anything to blog, though I can tell you about the weekend with Sis's GS fest and Bud and I relaxing . . . later.

Progress

No painkillers on Sunday!

Surgeon says things look good, even with shrinking the granuloma that grew in the scar, which we're treating with silver nitrate (or was that nitrite?)  I've switched from Vicodin to Tramadol, which I think is progress.  I am not sure I'd need them much at all but the terrible allergy season has me coughing and sneezing, which causes lots of discomfort, even with pillows or my brace (and allergy meds, which yes, I cross-checked with the pharmacist.)  And I'm allowed to start PT.

I just went driving!  I hadn't had any painkillers yet so I drove around town a bit, even grabbed a fast food lunch, about 20+ minutes in all.  YAY!  It was more comfortable than last time and I still don't need any pills.

Yay!

A whole day without painkillers.  Woo-hoo!

But I have a cold or allergies or something, hit last night at 2:20 a.m.--sore throat, stuffy nose.  Blah.

That's why I didn't need painkillers--I didn't do anything!  In fact, I slept the morning away and lounged away the rest o it.

With Mr. P . .. .

Boredom

My days are long; my abilities and energies limited--I'm still not driving.  I mean, I had been on the cusp of a major new project--seminary--and now not only is that not happening for a year (still the right decision, physically), but I'm not even really doing what I had been (hospice, historic house, GS meetings.)  And while I do see friends, I have a lot of free time that weighs rather heavily.

So, being in a list-making mood, I'm coming up with things I can do in the next six weeks that aren't bingeing on Netflix or zoning out on FB or Pinterest, while the kids are in school:

1. coffee visits with friends
2. crochet more Granny Square blankets
3. crochet flowers
4. practice knitting
5. read current novel
6. read through magazines
7. blog
8. meditate
9. work on family photo albums
10. work on Mommy Hungry 2015 cookbook
11. do family questionnaire which we haven't done in a few years
12. meal planning
13. Zentangle
14. walk
15. play piano
16. call friends
17. brush the cats/visit the basement boys
18. sew on Sis's Shirt
19. practice ASL
20. drink a cup of tea outside
21. gentle purging of shelves, cabinets, and drawers (little things like spices and office supplies, not books or heavy things)
22. study up on Scotland for our trip
23. work on sewing machine skills
24. put badges on Sis's GS sash
25. send cards to friends
26. email "pen pals"

Feeling Better

Things are getting back to my "new" normal.  Glad the uncomfortable interlude didn't last longer.

And can I say that hiccups after abdominal surgery SUCK.

Otherwise, it's a quiet week for me.  The kids have a strings concert later this week, but that's about it.  There are a few other school activities for them but not for me.

So, today I'm catching up on new episodes of "Wolf Hall," "Outlander," "Mr. Selfridge," and "Call the Midwife."  Which means a delightful, relaxing day for me.