Affirmations 2016

My affirmation list has gotten longer and I realized that it desperately needed an update (my original list of Affirmations is from last March, April, and then again in October.)  So, I'm making a new one, mainly for this year.

I have not had severely debilitating back pain in almost 5 whole years (my major episode was 6 years ago!)  Two years ago, Memorial Day 2014 when I had back pain, I still functioned and did things.

My surgery was almost a year ago and I am so much better.  

• I can drive as far and walk as much as I did before my surgery.
• I can do so many things without my brace:  go on outings, play the piano, cook dinner, push the cart around the grocery store, fold the laundry, unload the dishwasher, watch tv from the couch, sit to meditate, sit at the dinner table, clean the litterboxes, meditating on my zafu/cushion, and do all of my stretches and exercises.  And I can do several of these in a row in one day without any problem, most days.  Some of these were hard before surgery; my PT thinks my core might be stronger than before.
• I know what foods most upset my system and can work around them.
• I am more skillful at staying in the present when I have pain or anxiety.

Recently, I have successfully navigated:

• evening performances at Lincoln Center and Broadway;
• the all-day rehearsal time and then performance of Bud's kung fu at Lincoln Center;
• walking 10 blocks, eating in a restaurant, and walking back 10 blocks;
• back-to-back museum exhibitions;
• test driving and buying a new car;
• conducting various GS meetings (including Bronze Award!) and (soon) standing at the GS cookie booth;
• being in charge--rides, meals, chores, etc.--as the only adult for the whole weekend;
• (soon) parented alone for a whole weekend, with all the driving and meals etc;
• complete a huge crocheted blanket;
• passing my CPR test, with 3+ minutes of demonstration of compressions, etc.;
• driving Bud to a performance, staying to watch, and driving home;
• walking the marsh and the beach to look for the Snowy Owl;
• lightsaber sparring with Bud; 
• cleaning the porch with Mama;
• pick up dear Mr. P and carry him when he was ill;
• walked on rocky/shelly beaches looking sea glass (home and Block Island);
• attending a weekend knitting retreat (with lots of sitting!);
• walking labyrinths (at retreat and Block Island);
• walking on wooded paths, where I saw an owl (retreat);
• attended several parties;
• sat through SW7 three times (once followed by dinner!);
• Chinese New Year, with several sessions of kneeling to pray;
• regular doctors' appointments;
• one word:  colonoscopy;
• and more that I can't even remember.

More Affirmations

I posted a list of Affirmations I use to buck up my confidence back in March, actually a week before my surgery, and again four weeks later in April.  I realize I could add several big things to it.  So, here we go, my recent list of accomplishments:

I can walk.
I can pick stuff off the floor.
I can shop and push the cart.
I can drive all the way to church, 25 minutes.
I can play the piano without wearing my brace briefly.
I can take a bath.
I can get dressed all by myself. 
I can unload the dishwasher.
I can wash dishes.
I can cook dinner
I can do the laundry and even fold it.
I can blog.
I can crochet.

I have not had severely debilitating back pain in almost 4 whole years (my major episode was 6 years ago!)

Last Memorial Day 2014 when I had back pain, I still functioned and did things.

My surgery was seven months ago and I am much better.

I know how to cope with pain.

I know how to cope with fear.

I know there will be pain and fear and I am ready.

I can be calm in a crisis.

I can accept that I am not in control.

I have compassion for myself.

I have the tools I need--meds, heat pack, brace, stretches, rest.

I have great support and understanding in Mama and the kids, my parents and my sister.

I have the time and resources to take it easy.

I've survived and thrived:

• On trips to
• ENGLAND! and Cardiff!
• Girl Scout overnight, on the floor, at Old Sturbridge Village!! (this one gets forgotten because it was three days before my emergency)
• Girl Scout overnight, sleeping in a ship's berth at Mystic Seaport (and carrying my gear to the ship and then walking around for hours)
• Disney World (even though EPCOT was hard, I got through it)
• Washington DC
• Boston
• Philadelphia
• Houston and environs
• Block Island (twice!)
• our nano-honeymoon in NYC (twice!)
• Experiences such as
• doing my hospice work, sitting at people's bedsides and holding their hands
• lighting a fire and cooking over it
• going swimming
• teaching RE
• taking GS outdoor class Food, Fire, & Fun
• taking archery and becoming certified as an instructor
• passing First Aid and CPR--I can give mouth-to-mouth and use an AED
• riding on parade floats and giving a lecture on costuming in full corseted costume
• giving historic house tours
• sitting and standing for hours at kung fu competition
• sitting at the piano and play "Finlandia"
• learning ASL
• going on retreat by myself for two nights all alone--including sitting at length, creating art, taking yoga
• winning 4 stars on Just Dance, dancing to "Bang, Bang"
• playing basketball with the kids
• playing water basketball with the kids at the Y
• going to long movies
• going to Lion King, Phantom of the Opera, Les Mis, Wicked, Vagina Monologues, Fun Home, Spring Awakening, Matilda
• walking all day at Comic Con (and other long walks--at Trunk or Treat, fairy houses, Mystic, NYC, etc.)
• building fairy houses and nature mandalas
• wandering around museums
• eating in restaurants at night
• walking in the snow
• making snow angels
• going canoeing
• I can do 
• laundry
• baking
• unloading the dishwasher
• walking on the treadmill
• sitting on the floor with the cats
• taking a real bath

I did all that.  I can do what comes next. 

New Affirmations

I posted a list of Affirmations I use to buck up my confidence back in March, actually a week before my surgery.  I realize I could add several things to it.  So, here we go, my recent list of accomplishments:

I can walk.
I can even walk around Target for a little bit.
I can ride in the car for awhile.
I can sit on the couch.
I can take a shower.
I can put on almost all my own clothes (socks are hard and I'm wearing slip-on shoes.)
I can unload the top rack of the dishwasher.
I can wash a few dishes.
I can help pack school lunches.
I can blog.
I can crochet.


I include my older list, with some edits, to keep me going:

I have not had severely debilitating back pain in almost 4 whole years.

Last Memorial Day 2014 when I had back pain, I still functioned and did things.

My surgery was four weeks ago and I am much better.

I can walk longer and faster than before (well, beforehand.)

I can drive longer than I have in years (I drove the furthest, 25 miles, the day before my emergency!)

I know how to cope with pain.

I know how to cope with fear.

I know there will be pain and fear and I am ready.

I can be calm in a crisis.

I can accept that I am not in control.

I have compassion for myself.

I have the tools I need--meds, heat pack, brace, stretches, rest.

I have great support and understanding in Mama and the kids, my parents and my sister.

I have the time and resources to take it easy.

I've survived and thrived:

• On trips to
• ENGLAND! and Cardiff!
• Girl Scout overnight, on the floor, at Old Sturbridge Village!! (this one gets forgotten because it was three days before my emergency)
• Disney World (even though EPCOT was hard, I got through it)
• Washington DC
• Boston
• Philadelphia
• Houston and environs
• our nano-honeymoon in NYC (and all those stairs at the Merchant House)
• Experiences such as
• sitting at a hospital bedside and visiting for hours.
• lighting a fire and cooking over it.
• going swimming
• taking GS outdoor class Food, Fire, & Fun.
• taking archery and becoming certified as an instructor.
• passing First Aid and CPR--I can give mouth-to-mouth and use an AED.
• riding on parade floats and giving a lecture on costuming in full corseted costume.
• sitting at the piano and play "Finlandia."
• learning ASL
• going on retreat by myself for two nights all alone--including sitting at length, creating art, taking yoga
• winning 4 stars on Just Dance, dancing to "Bang, Bang."
• playing basketball with the kids
• playing water basketball with the kids at the Y
• going to long movies
• going to Lion King, Phantom of the Opera, Les Mis, Wicked, Vagina Monologues
• wandering around museums
• eating in restaurants at night
• walking in the snow
• making snow angels
• going canoeing
• I can do (before my surgery . . . and I will again!)
• laundry
• baking
• unloading the dishwasher
• walking on the treadmill
• sitting on the floor with the cats
• taking a real bath

I did all that.  I can do what comes next. 

Know Myself

I hadn't ever given self-esteem much thought, except as I came across it in articles and books on parenting--boosting kids' self-esteem is essential vs. boosting kids' self-esteem is destructive.  But I'd never thought much about mine.

But, delving deeper into my experience of pain, I'm learning that a lot of it is connected to self-esteem for me (it's complicated and I won't go into it here.)  For me, a lot of it is body issues that go way back, but it seeps into other realms (like when I let a college roommate walk all over me.)  I'm fascinated by it and the more I consider it and look around, the more I see how prevalent the lack of self-esteem and its effects are for me and so many women I know:  "compare and despair" perfectionism that becomes paralyzing (especially with Pinterest and FB), negative body (and general self) talk, constantly feeling like a "bad mom," feeling responsible or to blame for things that aren't ours and taking everything soooo personally, trying to control things so we'll be okay, looking to friends and/or FB for approval and reassurance, indecision etc for fear of being wrong or a making a misstep, coping unskillfully with eating/shopping/whatever, and so much more, I'm sure, because it's insidious.  My therapist says that she wouldn't have patients if women had self-esteem!

And I feel for us.

In my family, I think it goes back generations, perhaps each one passing it on in a different guise.  My grandmother was an abused woman (who fortunately got out of that marriage, but I imagine the effects lingered.)  My mom taught us "I'm okay; you're okay," but I know she doesn't necessarily feel that way (but I leave that as her own personal story.)  And then there's me.  I'm working on it, but you can't just invent self-esteem.  And is it already too late to spare the kids?  How will I pass it along?  I see the obvious traps--for me, it's about bodies--but what about the ones I don't see?  How do I both support the kids' self esteem while also not distorting it?

At the very least, I'm more self-aware and that has to help, right?

(Yes, I see what I did there.)