The Next Food Network Show

After weeks of watching a lot of cooking shows on both Food Network and the new Cooking Channel, I have decided that any new cooking show host must:

• showcase a particular ethnic food--Indian, Italian, French, Chinese--instead of general techniques or specific ingredients or a diversity of cuisines (with the exception of Jamie Oliver's current exploration of ingredients and Rachel Allen's show on baking).
• title the show something like "Easy Indian Food At Home Everyday with Me!"
• use ingredients that have been, for lack of a better word, decanted. Gone are sly shots of name-brand ingredients. Every show has salt or ketchup or cinnamon or flour in fancy or earthy matching, labeled containers.
• do things by hand. No one seems to use mixers anymore. Even cream is whipped with a whisk instead of a Kitchen Aid. And they all seem to make their own pasta!
• make obligatory comments about fresh, local, organic ingredients, eating less meat, healthy choices (olive oil and whole wheat flour), and trying something new (which always seems to be fish or spices or quinoa).
• be accompanied by unidentifiable Euro-muzak.
• include lots of local shots, particularly of the host shopping or eating with friends, so it seems like we're hanging out together.
• provide some kind of overarching narrative to the cooking, like a party or holiday or even just a mood. David Rocco and Giada DeLaurentiis take this to new heights.

Regardless of the obvious formats and similarities, these shows do accomplish what they set out to: they make me want to cook their food.