Countdown to Easter

Thursday:
Sis stayed home because the doctor Thursday afternoon said she had probably had the flu and was only just getting over it (strep test negative.)  We lolled around, watching "Glee," our new show (yes, there are a lot of adolescent situations but it gives us a chance to talk--about sex, pleasure, responsibility, feminism, sexism, body issues, bullying, homophobia, acceptance, etc etc etc.)

Bud came home midday (it was just a half day) and we hung out for a bit before running off to an appointment, picking up some dinner, and having some frozen yogurt.

That evening, I was gone for three hours on a night shoot for a new promotional video for the historic house.  I was very self-conscious but eventually settled into my role as narrator and costumed interpreter.  In fact, though it was in no way like a movie, I had some insight into several things--waiting waiting waiting around while lighting, set, props, etc were set up; trying to keep the same lines fresh over and over again without tripping on any words; taking direction to turn my head this way, modulate my voice that way, move a prop another way, and emote half the sentence like I did in the first take and half like the second; getting the giggles when I flubbed a line (cursing, too); becoming super self-conscious of how I looked, sounded, and moved.  But I had a great time and the video turned out pretty well.  (If I know you personally IRL and you want to see a copy of it, I'll send it to you; just email me.)


Friday:
We were kinda dull on Friday, with Sis still recovering and Bud tired after a long week at school (he was probably fighting the virus Sis had without actually developing the flu.)  We had pizza and watched Beetlejuice, which holds up pretty well some thirty years later.  The kids didn't quite get it, but nobody was scared of the ghosts or sad about the deceased.

I finished crocheting a blanket for an old high school buddy with whom I've reconnected and sent it on its way; she's having surgery and I wanted her to know I was thinking of her.  It's my usual Giant Granny Square but with a new edging called the Crab Stitch (mainly reverse single crochet around a row of double crochet.)  The colors in the photo are a little muted because it was overcast--it's actually a lovely lavender, some deeper  light green, and blue.

I did manage some shopping for the last of our Easter grocery needs.  Our final menu includes deviled eggs, pimento cheese, ham, macaroni and cheese, green bean casserole, cheddar cheese rolls, green peas, and Shaker Lemon pie, with Zinger Sherbet Punch.   And I got some hyacinths and hydrangeas for Ma and for me.


Saturday:
The Easter Penguin came!    There weren't any wet footprints because we don't have carpet anymore, but he did leave the kids a set of Minecraft blocks.  We had asked Bud if he thought the Easter Penguin would come and Bud reiterated that the Easter Penguin was very reliable.

The kids skipped their morning activities, both because they weren't feeling great and because Ma and Gong arrived . . . . so we went to the movies instead!  Yep, went to see Zootopia, which was funny but also a good teachable moment on race, biological determinism, stereotypes, prejudice, free will, the role of police in society--it even had a plot to incriminate the "predators" by poisoning them with toxic flowers (see recent interview excerpts with Nixon lacky Ehrlichman who said the war on drugs was exaggerated to criminalize and oppress African Americans and hippies/war protestors.)  All it needed was #PredatorsLivesMatter.

We had lunch at a new traditional Mexican restaurant which serves fresh tableside-made guacamole, lots of grilled foods (including cactus!),  lots of authentic-seeming dishes, and fresh tortillas (I know, Texans, none of that sounds special but this is Connecticut.)  Some of it was even too spicy for Ma and Gong!

The afternoon was a hodgepodge of "It's the Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown," eating apple pie, Bud trying out Gong's tai chi sword, building an Easter nest (there were flowers in bloom this year!!), making origami bunnies and frogs, and eventually saying goodbye to Ma and Gong.

We planted a hydrangea to mark the almost-one-year anniversary of the death of beloved Aunt Sis (today, btw, was the first anniversary since my emergency surgery.)  We had planted two other hydrangeas this spring in her memory, but I think only one survived the winter (and my gardening!)

Then the "work" started!  We pulled out the Easter decorations and purged some of the books and things.  We always find extra egg decorating kits--and so Sis chose plain tab Pas dye and Bud did tie dye.  I drew on a few eggs with a Sharpie and a wax crayon--see my bunny, Bay Max, and Totoro.  Lots of fun.  Then I prepped some dishes while Mama made the traditional last-minute run to the store.  And the kids and I hid some eggs and left a basket for the little girl and boy across the street.

Whew!

And it's not even Easter yet.

Stomaching This

All the tests have come back negative:  I don't have celiac disease, Crohn's, a build-up of unwelcome bacteria in my gut, or anything else abnormal.

Which means that the discomfort and difficulties that have increased since my surgery are most likely due to a return of inflammatory bowel disease, IBS, whatever you like to call it.  I've had it since childhood but mostly had it licked in the last ten years or so, mostly due to my vegetarian diet.

But not anymore.  I can literally not stomach beans, cabbage, broccoli, tofu, or many of my usual staples.

And so the GI doctor has put me on a very restricted diet, called FODMAPS, which removes 6 major food carbohydrates from my intake--wheat, dairy, soy, and a whole host of fruits and vegetables (besides all legumes, broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage, and the like, I can't have any stone fruit, apples, avocados, onions garlic, mushrooms,and a whole host of other odd fruits and veg.)  The list is impossible to keep track of without the two long lists taped to my fridge and the new app on my phone (I also got a few new cookbooks, such as they are.)  Oddly, I find losing onions and garlic the hardest part so far!  I can even get a mocha frappuccino with coconut milk once in awhile.

I'm supposed to follow that for three months and check back with him.  It is possible that I can add one or more of the chemicals from the acronym back to my diet, but I doubt I'll get all of them.  And I've felt so crummy that I'm not even really upset about it.  Sure, it's been a rough two weeks adapting to it, both mentally and physically, and I do miss many of my favorite things--I'm variously resigned, aggravated, overwhelmed, sad, grumpy, willing--but I don't like feeling sick and being indisposed, and there are so many GF and DF substitutes on the market.  It is cutting into our eating out, but we have located some places that will work.  And I still get tea, coffee, rice, potatoes . . . and, well, lots of meat.  The doctor said no vegetarianism for the present--it would be too challenging without the beans, tofu, and nuts I relied on.

And it could be worse.

Mama and the kids are being great about it.

And the kids at least are glad I'm not cooking any beans.

Back in the Swing of Things

I started physical therapy last week.  And even my beloved, favorite therapist was impressed, though perhaps that's not the right word (stunned, maybe), with how things have not recovered.  I can't even suck in my stomach.  While daily pain has pretty much gone away (right around week 12 or 13), there is still such incredible weakness that is, in turn, knotting up my back, glutes, SI, and even hip muscles; they're in a constant state of stressed.  Which is why, after exertion or just in the evenings, I don my brace--I quite literally can't hold myself up anymore.  I was starting to think I was just being wimpy or that it was all in my head.  But it's not.

She spent the whole time working her knuckle into my SI area and I was sure I'd be bruised.  So tight.    She says to put on my brace when I need it because otherwise I'll hurt something.  No wonder neither my surgeon nor physiatrist want me to lift more than 10-15 lbs ever again (risk of incisional hernia) and delayed allowing me to start physical therapy.   For now, I'm doing 2--that's 2--pelvic tilts and just a few attempts at tummy sucking (while breathing out--because I had been using my diaphragm to move my abdomen!)  And I'm walking 7-15 minutes, as able, a few times a day.

Recently, someone said they couldn't believe how limited I still was.  Ouch.  Major surgery will do that.  It's not called "major" for nothing.   And I've been told by more than one doctor that I make a lot of scar tissue, have healing issues, and low muscle tone.  It could take a year for me to get back to my old normal.   Am I surprised?  Sometimes.  So no wonder someone else might be.

Still, I see it as progress.  I only take pain pills occasionally and then only the Tylenol with codeine, which is on the low end of my pain pill scale.  And I'm doing more than ever since the surgery--under optimal circumstances, this includes short driving, eating in restaurants, pushing a grocery cart, unloading the bottom rack of the dishwasher, doing laundry, playing piano for 15+ minutes, extended sitting (like a movie),  walking around stores, hour-long car rides.  Mama and the kids do or help me do everything else; after all this time, especially since they're older, we have a good system in place.   It makes things easier during this next phase of post-surgery recovery.  What's that cliche about a marathon not a spring?  Not that a running metaphor really works for me, but still. . . . slow and steady . . . maybe next week I can do 4 pelvic tilts!

Blessing the Hands

"Clearing" by Martha Postlewait
Do not try to save
the whole world
or do anything grandiose.
Instead, create a clearing
in the dense forest of your life
and wait there
patiently,
until the song
that is your life
falls into your own cupped hands
and you recognize and greet it.
Only then will you know
how to give yourself
to this world
so worthy of rescue.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Today was our annual hospice volunteer luncheon, which is always a fun and touching event.   And I was so excited to go--I made it the whole time!! This is huge because I haven't eaten in a restaurant--in uncomfortable chairs!--since my surgery.  And you know how I love eating in different restaurants.  I also haven't seen my hospice friends since March either, so it was good to see them.  It gets lonely at home by myself.

It was a lovely event, with a special blessing of the hands that the chaplain performed. "May your hands be blessed as you offer compassionate care to those that you touch," she said.  Actually, we perform it on each other, saying a blessing or a wish for the person next to us as he or she dips fingers in the basin.   "In this work, may you be a comfort to others and, when you are in need, may you be comforted," I said to the person next to me.  The person on my other side wished me healing and a full life.  

And we ate great food!  It's so much nicer not to be a vegetarian at these events--pasta is usually the phoned-in dish.  But the rest of it was delicious.  (I do feel the pull of vegetarianism strongly, but it will probably just be a larger percentage, not total.)  There were also cake pops, as there always are at our gatherings; someone in the office makes them--and I get sent home with extras for the kids!

All the volunteers received nice swag--both volunteer appreciation bags with candy and pens and such, and things with our company logo on it (an insulated lunchbox--last year was a picnic blanket--we are part of a multi-state corporation that provides hospice; they are required by federal law to have a volunteer corps--it's a nice change from non-profits sometimes!  We eat better.)--and were recognized for our work.  The daughter of a former patient gave a moving speech about how our hospice team helped with her mother's dying.  It was a nice addition to hear from a family member, especially since we have no contact with the family after the death (that's the bereavement team.)

I love this work and I really like my team.  Today was extra-special because of these last few months.  It's nice to be a volunteer again, and not a patient!!!

(Though, thankfully, not anywhere near a hospice patient in March.)

-=-=-=-=-=-

Blessed be the hands that have touched life.
Blessed be the hands that have nurtured creativity.
Blessed be the hands that have held pain.
Blessed be the hands that have embraced with passion.
Blessed be the hands that have closed in anger.
Blessed be the hands that have planted new seeds.
Blessed be the hands that have harvested ripe fields.
Blessed be the hands that have cleaned, washed, and scrubbed.
Blessed be the hands that have become wrinkled with years.
Blessed be the hands that are scarred from doing justice.
Blessed be the hands that have reached out and been received.
Blessed be the hands that feed those who are hungry.
Blessed be the hands that comfort the dying and touch the dead.
Blessed be the hands that greet strangers.
Blessed be the hands that guide the young.

Blessed be these hands.

Feeling Better

No pain pills yesterday.

And feeling good today.

(except for some side effects of drinking all that damned contrast drink)

Grateful.

Diagnosis

Well, the CT scan showed not only diverticulosis (a small pouch pushed in my colon, but not infected) but also a burst ovarian cyst and extra fluid in my abdomen.  No wonder this week sucked.  (And Lambeth, before you say it, neither had anything to do with my over-reaching my abilities!)

The irony is that diverticulosis is caused by a low-fiber diet, something I had mainly because of the surgery--I was told a bland diet, which is defined as having no whole grains, very cooked vegetables, etc., --not my usual beans and broccoli and cabbage!

Oh, well.

Time to go back to my mostly vegetarian routine.  I'll consult a GI specialist and my GYN just to be sure we're doing everything we can.

But my surgery incision, etc., looks good.  And that is no small thing to be grateful for.

Release!

I saw my wonderful surgeon today and am done!  My granuloma is gone; there's no more drainage.  I will always be at higher risk for a small bowel obstruction just because I've had abdominal surgery; same with abdominal incision hernias.  So, I'm supposed to take continuous nausea, vomiting, pain, and particularly the lack of bowel movements or gas very seriously.  I'm also not supposed to lift anything more than 15-20 lbs, namely anything that would cause strain, which would cause an incision hernia (along where I have a diastasis recti and two hernias already.)  Still, otherwise, I am good to go.  And I can bathe and swim!  I've decreased my painkillers, down to just Tylenol with Codeine.  And I go see my physiatrist (pain doctor) tomorrow about PT to start to strengthen my core.  She said I could call her if I had questions or any of the above.

And I presented her with a pretty purple-y "Sunset Stripes" large Granny Square afghan, as a thank you for all of her care.  She was impressed that I had made it and grateful.  We talked a little about my plans, even hospice chaplaincy, and she was kind to say she thought I'd be good at it.

So an experience that started on a very low note in an emergency room eight weeks ago, in many ways officially ended today on a high note.  Sure, the healing isn't over, but it's a new phase.  And at least today (bored as I am most days, and still limited in many things), I'm optimistic.

Next 48 Hours

I'll be on my own, really on my own, for about 36 hours, starting tomorrow morning when the kids leave for school.  Mama is taking them to their grandparents' house in Queens right after school to attend a family memorial for Lao Gong early on Wednesday morning, the 100th day after his death.  It's not so much a set ritual, as they will host a Chinese New Year-like meal with prayers--and set an empty chair for him for the first time.

No, I won't be going.  It's too much car, too much activity, and I don't want the focus to be on me for this event.  Though, I would have been glad to be there for Mama, as no doubt it will be hard.  But the children will provide levity and a distraction.

I'll be home, doing what I do--which is mostly watching tv and crocheting.  I did manage a run to the store today--and got some light provisions--and picked up a mocha frappuccino, which I dropped trying to enter the house with one too many things in my hands.  Double frustration:  dropping a drink I had barely put a dent in and then having trouble cleaning it up on my own!  (It hit the door frame and bounced between the porch wall and the deck box.  Lovely.)  I threw down some towels and hoped for the best.  But it's just pissy.  (Leaning over sometimes puts too much pressure on my incision.  Ouch.  Especially with the wear and tear of intermittent coughing and sneezing from allergies.)

Otherwise, it was a nice day.  Some new skirts arrived and a book of tea treats from a magazine I subscribed to.  I caught up on "Outlander" (which was nasty with torture, the penultimate season episode), "Mr. Selfridge," and "Call the Midwife," which included both a deaf woman (and British sign is just that much different than American!) and two closet lesbians (it is 1960 or so after all) separated when one is badly injured in an accident and is brought home by her parents (a bit reminiscent of that part of If These Walls Could Talk 2.)  I talked to both Gommie and Lambeth, who were checking up on me.

There's not much to report.  I get bored, but I manage.  My body is as good as can be expected 7 1/2 weeks out (though my skin on my stomach has called it quits with bandages, even with paper tape.)  The cats all keep me company.  I like the cool, rainy weather; I did not like Sunday's high near 80F.

Not sure if I'll have anything to blog, though I can tell you about the weekend with Sis's GS fest and Bud and I relaxing . . . later.

Progress

No painkillers on Sunday!

Surgeon says things look good, even with shrinking the granuloma that grew in the scar, which we're treating with silver nitrate (or was that nitrite?)  I've switched from Vicodin to Tramadol, which I think is progress.  I am not sure I'd need them much at all but the terrible allergy season has me coughing and sneezing, which causes lots of discomfort, even with pillows or my brace (and allergy meds, which yes, I cross-checked with the pharmacist.)  And I'm allowed to start PT.

I just went driving!  I hadn't had any painkillers yet so I drove around town a bit, even grabbed a fast food lunch, about 20+ minutes in all.  YAY!  It was more comfortable than last time and I still don't need any pills.

Yay!

A whole day without painkillers.  Woo-hoo!

But I have a cold or allergies or something, hit last night at 2:20 a.m.--sore throat, stuffy nose.  Blah.

That's why I didn't need painkillers--I didn't do anything!  In fact, I slept the morning away and lounged away the rest o it.

With Mr. P . .. .

Boredom

My days are long; my abilities and energies limited--I'm still not driving.  I mean, I had been on the cusp of a major new project--seminary--and now not only is that not happening for a year (still the right decision, physically), but I'm not even really doing what I had been (hospice, historic house, GS meetings.)  And while I do see friends, I have a lot of free time that weighs rather heavily.

So, being in a list-making mood, I'm coming up with things I can do in the next six weeks that aren't bingeing on Netflix or zoning out on FB or Pinterest, while the kids are in school:

1. coffee visits with friends
2. crochet more Granny Square blankets
3. crochet flowers
4. practice knitting
5. read current novel
6. read through magazines
7. blog
8. meditate
9. work on family photo albums
10. work on Mommy Hungry 2015 cookbook
11. do family questionnaire which we haven't done in a few years
12. meal planning
13. Zentangle
14. walk
15. play piano
16. call friends
17. brush the cats/visit the basement boys
18. sew on Sis's Shirt
19. practice ASL
20. drink a cup of tea outside
21. gentle purging of shelves, cabinets, and drawers (little things like spices and office supplies, not books or heavy things)
22. study up on Scotland for our trip
23. work on sewing machine skills
24. put badges on Sis's GS sash
25. send cards to friends
26. email "pen pals"

Feeling Better

Things are getting back to my "new" normal.  Glad the uncomfortable interlude didn't last longer.

And can I say that hiccups after abdominal surgery SUCK.

Otherwise, it's a quiet week for me.  The kids have a strings concert later this week, but that's about it.  There are a few other school activities for them but not for me.

So, today I'm catching up on new episodes of "Wolf Hall," "Outlander," "Mr. Selfridge," and "Call the Midwife."  Which means a delightful, relaxing day for me.

All Fours

All four cats have been very attentive, sitting on my lap at almost any chance.  The warm purring heaps of fur are very healing.

Mr. P

Mojito (aka Mo-cheetos or Mochi Toes)

Albus

Hermione, who does it her way and sits near me instead of on me.

Cooking Again

I'm cooking again!

Last night, I put together a really wonderful chicken tortellini soup.  In fact, because of a happy accident, it was better than I supposed.  See, there was frozen homemade stock in the fridge and I used that.  But it smelled like bacon.  I was worried that it was somehow chicken stock that had gone off, but serendipitously it was smoked ham stock from earlier this year, as Sis reminded me.  Mama had been saving it for some homemade Chinese soup, so I feel bad about using it, but it was delicious.  The soup turned out to be this bacony, chicken, cheesy tortellini thing with a smattering of kale.  Lovely!  And completely un-reproduceable unless we buy another fancy smoked ham.  Makes my regular chicken tortellini soup (just chicken cooked in broth, plus frozen tortellini and any frozen veg and seasonings you like) seem kinda boring now.

Today, I'm trying my first eMeals recipe.  It's similar to one a friend brought recently but made in the slow cooker instead of sauteed on the stove.  Sis is especially excited because cheesy or creamy sauces like Alfredo are some of her favorites.

I feel very accomplished.

UPDATE:  We really liked this--the kids inhaled it!  And there is barely a single serving left.  We ate it with pasta.

-=-=-=-=-=-=

Creamy Parmesan Chicken in Slow Cooker
2½ lb boneless, skinless chicken breasts
1½ Tbsp Montreal chicken seasoning (not sure what this is, so I used seasoned salt, garlic powder, some Italian herbs)
3 green onions, sliced
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 cup low-sodium chicken broth
1 (8-oz) container sour cream
1 cup freshly shredded Parmesan cheese

Pound chicken to an even thickness, and sprinkle with seasoning. Place in a greased 5- to 6-quart slow cooker. Add green onions and garlic; pour in broth. Cover and cook on LOW 7 to 8 hours. Remove chicken from slow cooker, reserving liquid in slow cooker; shred chicken--use half and save half for something else.  Whisk sour cream into mixture in slow cooker. Stir in Parmesan and remaining shredded chicken.

emeals

Cooking Again

Our last meal provided by a friend--after 3 1/2 solid weeks of wonderful meals from friends--was Monday.  Which means Mama and I are in charge of the cooking again.

I'm a little apprehensive.  I can't lift much and, because of the painkillers, am not driving yet.  So Mama will have to do the shopping in the evenings or weekends; or we'll get PeaPod.  I can't do a lot of chopping, or stand to saute or stir fry for long and I can't get heavy things into or out of the oven or lift heavy pots (even draining pasta requires scooping out the noodles instead of pouring the big pot into a colander), so I'm thinking slow cooker meals will be best.  But even a lot of my slow cooker meals require a lot of the above, so I'm looking for new recipes.  Dump recipes, essentially, one pot.

I've asked friends, got out a couple of light or healthier slow cooker cookbooks, and even signed up for a 2-week trial of emeals.com, which has a "clean eating" family crock pot option.  I'm thinking the "clean" part means no condensed soups.  We'll see how it goes.

Coincidentally, my Whole Food Kitchen workshop with Heather Bruggeman focused on meal planning earlier this week.  So I'll be spending some time thinking of meals that I already know how to make and looking for new easy ones that we might like.

As for tonight, we had pizza!  I had forgotten I had a doctor's appointment.  The surgeon says I look good, though I had to have some granulomas that had to be treated with silver nitrate--they're these bubbles that form when there is inflammation while healing, harmless but annoying.  And so I didn't want to cook and we got pizza, salad, and chicken fingers for Sis.

Here are some of my thoughts for the next few weeks:

From my own repertoire:

• pasta with the easy tomato sauce or a cream sauce (with ham and peas, for Sis)
• ground beef and noodles, like goulash (with cheddar cheese sauce) or stroganoff (with mushrooms, onions, and sour cream)
• scrambled eggs/omelets
• "baked" crock pot chicken
• chicken noodle soup/tortellini soup
• pork loin (with onions, apples, or sweet potatoes) in the crock pot
• pork chops broiled (with salt and pepper)
• baked drumsticks
• beef brisket in crock pot
• mac and cheese
• Welsh rarebit
• when I can put things in the oven--spaghetti pie, crustless quiche, Dutch baby pancakes

Veggies are the challenge.  Three of us eat salad, but Sis won't.  Roasting vegetables is ok, until I have to get them out of the oven.  Maybe stir fry or saute will work, especially green beans and spinach which are pretty fast.


Recipes suggested by FB friends:

• Miss JG:  Rice or mashed potato with cooked ground meat covered in a Campbell's chunky soup. Rice works well with the jambalaya, my dad loves the sirloin and Brendan the bacon baked potato. If you microwave bake the potatoes in a casserole dish while you brown the meat, and then add everything to the dish, and microwave the whole thing for 2-3 minutes, you can get away with ten to fifteen minutes standing and a really fast dinner. Just have someone help make salad and/or add some canned or steamed veg to the concoction.
• Mr. KW:  Grill or pan fry thinly sliced pork chops. Add a little salt and pepper. Squeeze fresh lemon juice on top. After about two minutes (for thinly sliced pork chops) turn over on grill or in pan and repeat the above steps. Easy and very tasty.
• Miss LS:  Do you have a rice cooker? Want to borrow one? Really simple and you can even add stock for flavor. Just dump and turn on. Add your favorite frozen veggies when it's done and they'll thaw/cook in the rice. Also, easy baked chicken: Lightly oil or grease baking dish, use any cut of chicken you like (thighs are inexpensive and stay juicy, but boneless breasts work as well) and cover with a single beaten egg and seasoned breadcrumbs. No need to be fussy, just quickly do it all in the baking dish, turning each piece once in first the egg, then breadcrumbs. Leave any excess in the dish. It won't hurt anything. Sprinkle a little oil on top if ck is boneless. Bake for 30 -45 minutes at 350. Baked eggs with veggies and cheese is simple, too. Grease the dish, use frozen veggies and top with shredded cheese. Salt and pepper to taste. Jarred marinated artichokes, sun dried tomatoes, etc, can be used as well, and they add lots of flavor. Bake time depends on quantity, so check after 30 minutes. Beans and greens slow cooker soup: any beans (cans are easy) and greens (store washed, cut) combined with a few teaspoons oil, store minced garlic, parsley and stock. It's like escarole and beans. You can also add sausage midway through cooking. Salt and pepper to taste. Needs about fours to cook on medium. Good luck and happy (easy) cooking!
• Mr. CP:  Add equal parts cubed chicken breast, black beans (canned), and frozen corn to your slow cooker. Add about a half part salsa. Cook on low for 6-8 hours stirring occasionally. When done, stir in an 8oz brick of cream cheese. Serve over rice. Super easy and leftovers freeze well.
• Mr. BN:  Simplified sweet potato soup: Throw stock, sweet potatoes, garlic, onions, basil, ginger in pot. Boil. Puree. Yum. My kids love it.
• Miss JS:  Easy crock pot pork chops: 4-6 thick chops in slow cooker, slice 1-2 onions over. Mix onion soup mix with 1c water and pour over. Cook all 9 hours

Our Wonderful Weekend

What a weekend!

I'll have to rest all week!  No harm done; feel pretty good, considering the level of activity--nothing a bunch of watching "Wolf Hall" and other things won't fix.

I hadn't been sure about this weekend.  With a church banquet to celebrate the buddy program (where adults and kids secretly exchanged treats), a play on Saturday, and the recital on Sunday, it was too much.  But I wanted to do it all.  Except I was nervous about doing any of it--long car rides, walking a lot, and, of course, playing "Finlandia."  So, we narrowed it down.  We skipped the banquet on Friday, sending a treat along in our stead, and made arrangements for Saturday and Sunday to be easier.  And in the end, it worked really well.  I'm so glad it it worked.

Saturday we went to see Camelot, in a touring production in Hartford.  I love Camelot.  I first saw it, with Gommie, around 1980, with Richard Harris in the lead.  It was my favorite musical as a child, at least before Phantom of the Opera came along.  I sang it for weeks afterwards and even decorated my room as Guinevere's!  I even hid my alarm clock, lamp, and stereo under cloths because, of course, there was no electricity in Camelot.  I saw it again in a high school production . . . and then I haven't seen it in 30+ years.  (Because I don't like the movie with Vanessa Redgrave.)  But I sing the songs weekly and it's still one of my top ten.

So I was so excited to hear it was touring, buying the tickets last fall.  And it was pretty good!  (Especially considering it was a touring, non-Equity performance.)  The actors were credible and strong singers (definitely stronger than those in Joseph), the staging had enough period flare, the costumes were rich, and I love the music--though, they cut my favorite song, "I Loved You Once in Silence."  The cast had been pared down so there wasn't the full stage during "Lusty Month of May," but I liked it all.  And so did the kids.  We even all (mostly) got teary at the rather depressing end.  Well worth the journey up.  And even though all I did the whole day was sit--in the car, in the theater seat, in the car again--I was tired.

A little bonus:  we picked up Tibetan food to take home for dinner!

And then Sunday.  Ah Sunday, the recital.  The recital I've been practicing for these last four months.  I was nervous and then I'd be okay, but at least all of the tiredness of Saturday had left me.  And so we went to the place where it would be.  I was playing fourth, behind one child and then my two.  Bud played "Gigue" and "Forth Eorlingas" (from LOTR) beautifully.  And Sis played "Grand Old Flag" and the theme from Star Wars better than ever--sounded wonderful!  Then it was my turn.  And, well, I never knew my hands could shake so hard.  After playing the first few bars just fine, I lost all control of my fingers and hit so many wrong notes.  We had practiced everything else, but I didn't know how to calm them down.  I barely made it through the piece, even dropping two bars in desperation.  It was awful!  But I didn't flap my arms or make bad faces (I think I made one, which a friend's husband noticed!) or squeal.  And everyone clapped when it was over and I got hugs from the kids.  I heard the rest of the marvelous pieces--the children of two other friends played their pieces beautifully and there were so many talented kids whom we've watched over the last few years.  A few even played complex pieces by the Piano Guys.  And all the while I listened and marveled at their skills and noticed that almost everyone made little mistakes, I thought about my performance.  And you know what?  It was okay.  Better than that, it was wonderful!  Not my piece, but that I did it under all these crazy circumstances.  And I was the only adult who played.  Well, there's always a first time and it's over.  Everyone was very gracious afterwards, saying how well I did, and maybe I covered my mistakes better than I thought, though I doubt it--maybe they don't know "Finlandia."  Sis presented me with flowers afterwards and I got a medal from the teacher.  It was a lovely, lovely day (made even more so with potato chips and Ben & Jerry's afterwards!)   But perhaps I'll leave recitals to the young from now on.  (Or not, because I could only get better from here!)

We have nothing big on the calendar for several weeks, if any, and so I'll rest, relax, and recuperate, with lovely memories and a real feeling of accomplishment.  Definitely adding this to my list of affirmations!

New Affirmations

I posted a list of Affirmations I use to buck up my confidence back in March, actually a week before my surgery.  I realize I could add several things to it.  So, here we go, my recent list of accomplishments:

I can walk.
I can even walk around Target for a little bit.
I can ride in the car for awhile.
I can sit on the couch.
I can take a shower.
I can put on almost all my own clothes (socks are hard and I'm wearing slip-on shoes.)
I can unload the top rack of the dishwasher.
I can wash a few dishes.
I can help pack school lunches.
I can blog.
I can crochet.


I include my older list, with some edits, to keep me going:

I have not had severely debilitating back pain in almost 4 whole years.

Last Memorial Day 2014 when I had back pain, I still functioned and did things.

My surgery was four weeks ago and I am much better.

I can walk longer and faster than before (well, beforehand.)

I can drive longer than I have in years (I drove the furthest, 25 miles, the day before my emergency!)

I know how to cope with pain.

I know how to cope with fear.

I know there will be pain and fear and I am ready.

I can be calm in a crisis.

I can accept that I am not in control.

I have compassion for myself.

I have the tools I need--meds, heat pack, brace, stretches, rest.

I have great support and understanding in Mama and the kids, my parents and my sister.

I have the time and resources to take it easy.

I've survived and thrived:

• On trips to
• ENGLAND! and Cardiff!
• Girl Scout overnight, on the floor, at Old Sturbridge Village!! (this one gets forgotten because it was three days before my emergency)
• Disney World (even though EPCOT was hard, I got through it)
• Washington DC
• Boston
• Philadelphia
• Houston and environs
• our nano-honeymoon in NYC (and all those stairs at the Merchant House)
• Experiences such as
• sitting at a hospital bedside and visiting for hours.
• lighting a fire and cooking over it.
• going swimming
• taking GS outdoor class Food, Fire, & Fun.
• taking archery and becoming certified as an instructor.
• passing First Aid and CPR--I can give mouth-to-mouth and use an AED.
• riding on parade floats and giving a lecture on costuming in full corseted costume.
• sitting at the piano and play "Finlandia."
• learning ASL
• going on retreat by myself for two nights all alone--including sitting at length, creating art, taking yoga
• winning 4 stars on Just Dance, dancing to "Bang, Bang."
• playing basketball with the kids
• playing water basketball with the kids at the Y
• going to long movies
• going to Lion King, Phantom of the Opera, Les Mis, Wicked, Vagina Monologues
• wandering around museums
• eating in restaurants at night
• walking in the snow
• making snow angels
• going canoeing
• I can do (before my surgery . . . and I will again!)
• laundry
• baking
• unloading the dishwasher
• walking on the treadmill
• sitting on the floor with the cats
• taking a real bath

I did all that.  I can do what comes next. 

A-Ok

Saw my doctor about my bloodclots today--all good on that front.  Will take the Xarelto for six months instead of four.  Fine.  He reassured me about some of the aches I've been having.  (Some days I feel like I could become quite the hypochondriac!  The days are long; the pangs are sharp sometimes.)  He was amazed at how much better I looked, said I was a totally different person.

My surgeon's appointment has been moved to Tuesday, but I'm not worried about anything.

Feeling pretty good, all things considered.

Practicing to Fail

Perhaps I should say "practicing to falter."

I had one of the most interesting piano lessons yesterday.  As you know, my very first piano recital is on Sunday.  After seven months of lessons, having not been able to read much music or play more than "Good King Wenceslas" (the easy version) when I began in September, I had said I would play at the spring recital alongside all of the kiddos; I've been practicing my piece, "Finlandia," for three months.  And then, well, emergency.

I have debated whether I could play since having my surgery.  Everyone, family and piano teacher included, is encouraging and understanding--play if you can, don't if you can't, but don't stress about it.  I've practiced the transitions where I move my hands so that they are smoother; I've practiced the timing because sometimes my count is just a bit off.  I've even practiced in front of people--the kids, Mama, Gommie in-laws, friends--so I get used to playing for others. Some days, I get through my song just fine; other days, I hit so many wrong notes.  Pain and narcotics usage definitely has an effect.

So yesterday, my teacher and I practiced how to mess up.  No faces, no squeals, no waving my hands in frustration.  Play through.  Pretend you didn't mess up.  Slow down if it's a part that troubles you (or speed up right through it!)  If it's an egregious mistake (several wrong notes in a row), start the phrase over.  If it's the first few notes, start the whole song over.  She says that everyone messes up, that oftentimes only the players notice.  It's a very forgiving audience.

And you know what?  Recognizing that I knew how to fix a mistake--acknowledging that I was going to make a mistake and should therefore not aim for perfect (which, my teacher called a "crapshoot!")--freed up my playing immensely and I made fewer mistakes!  Some of the paralysis left.

So, for now, I'm definitely playing "Finlandia" on Sunday, mistakes and all.


(Because I know people like an update, yesterday was really good.  I stayed on top of my pain meds and had a good, useful, relaxing day.  I have follow-ups with cardiologist on Thurs and surgeon on Friday.  Expecting it all to be fine.)

A Purring Cat....

....heals all wounds.

My cats have been great company these last weeks.  Mojo, in the photo, sits with me in the middle of the day.  Hermione visits while I shower--she likes a svitz and even sits in the damp, warmed porcelain tub afterwards.  Albus meows constantly and follows me various times of day.  And Mr. P welcomes me with motor-like purrs and a warm belly when I venture downstairs. 

Who says cats aren't social?