Fair vs. Equal

"Mom," Sis said, trying to understand "equator" during our discussion of the seasons last night on the ride home, "equal means fair."

Except when it doesn't.

The concepts of fair and equal, as well as the terms themselves, have popped up a lot in our house this week. And I heard, I believe for the first time, "It's not fair!"

Bud came home from school with a favor bag in celebration of a classmate's birthday. Sis is in another class.

Sis's class went out for recess. Bud's didn't.

Bud's class was one letter ahead in the alphabet and got homework first. Sis wanted homework, too.

And the biggest one of all: Sis is in a Daisy Scout troop. Bud isn't.

It's. Not. Fair.

And, heaven help me, I found myself saying, at least once, "Life isn't fair."

Except we try extremely hard to be fair. For us, fair means "free from bias, dishonesty, or injustice." It means not favoring one child over the other. Equal is "the same as." It's just hard to explain the difference to them. Fair means that we treat each child as an individual. Equal would mean we would treat them the same. Fair means that sometimes Bud or Sis get something the other one doesn't, especially out in the world. Equal would mean we would have to make up for how friends and school and others treat them differently. Fair means we try to keep it balanced over all. Equal would mean two of everything, even if they didn't really want or need it, except on principle

But that's not how they see it. As twins, they are very used to being together, doing the same things, and being treated identically (even though they are obviously fraternal); they are not used to any differences. And now, in school, in separate classes, they are having different experiences. And they don't recognize that this is because they are different people, with different interests, skills, and needs. Which is exactly why we separated them in school. But it is a steep and bumpy learning curve. And we as parents tread very carefully so that the competition, jealousy, sense of unfairness, etc. don't overwhelm them. Some sibling rivalry is natural and necessary to identity formation; too much is destructive, corrosive, exhausting to the relationship.

And so, in an attempt to be fair, we're trying to figure out how to balance Sis's Daisy Scout experience for Bud. Does he want mom-time? Friend time? Another activity? He can't even say, beyond "I'm angry and sad and I feel left out." Should we arrange for a one-on-one activity with one of us? Have playdates with school friends? Join a soccer or baseball or something team? No, none of that seems to suffice. "I want to be a Girl Scout." Or a Boy Scout, depending on the day. (To which we have to say, he can't be a Boy Scout because they are not nice to everyone. Definitely not fair or equal, that group.) And so, I am considering starting a new troop, a church club, with outings and activities and even badges. He's not completely jazzed yet--especially because Sis would come too, and it's church not school friends--but it's the best we can come up with right now. I know it's going to be a work-in-progress, both this particular incident, and the overall balance.

Because we do try, after all, to make life fair when it's not equal.