I had clarity and insight today, in a flash, while at Pilates.
"You will get hurt again," my coach told me.
And she's right.
Really. I was injured twice in the span of 8 months, after less debilitating episodes at varying intervals. My back will hurt again.
All this time, my goal, our goal, was for me to avoid reinjury and repeat pain at almost any cost. Even if that cost unwittingly led to decreased activity, mobility, sociability, and even, unknown to us, the greater risk of reinjury.
It was the wrong goal.
A better goal would be for me to get stronger so future injuries are less common and less limiting and recovery is quicker. Even if in the meantime it means anxiety, discomfort, and even some increased risk. And more exercise and movement and attention to the physical, which I've always avoided and seen as punishment (because it has been so hard my entire life; even something as simple as walking has always been an exhausting chore, the physical, structural, bio-mechanical from-birth/early childhood reasons for which I understand so much better now).
Amazing how and when inspiration (and rationality) strikes. It puts everything in a whole new perspective.
Even if I'm pretty sure that doesn't make anything easier.
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After an email from Lambeth, I should clarify: it's not that I'm not doing my stretches and exercises, just that I stop when there is discomfort. Now I understand that I need to keep going unless it's severe, sharp, or longlasting--actual pain--not just stopping at the first twinges.
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