CPE Reflections

I don't even know where to start to tell you about CPE, here about one-third of the way through the unit.  Here are some of my reflections:

On being a part-time (unpaid) working mom:

• On my first day, I was an hour late getting home because of traffic and Sis was late to horses.
• On my second day, Sis missed the bus and thankfully a friend could pick her up.
• On my third day, it was a school snow day but not that terrible so I went to work and the kids stayed home.
• One time, a kiddo misunderstood that I'd be home extra late and was upset and scared.
• Many times, I have just not had the ingredients or wherewithal to cook; we're eating a lot of take-out and odd dinners.
• Same with laundry not getting done regularly and kids wearing not-quite-clean uniforms to activities (so now they are doing their own laundry!)
• and we are weeks behind on regular medical check ups (and will be weeks more.)
• I have to hibernate away from everyone so I can write, attend online classes, and read.
• Even when it's not actual work, I'm distracted and feel like I'm out of time and missing something.

On my CPE professional, personal, and spiritual goals (which we had to write up in the beginning):

• I will seek out my place in spiritual care as a humanist Unitarian Universalist chaplain, because I sometimes feel a lack of worth and authority as a chaplain—“impostor syndrome” perhaps—which hampers my ministry.  I think this is the result of at least two issues: 1).  I am at the beginning of my journey in pastoral education and still very much learning in all areas, and 2).  I am not a Christian but currently often only see Christian chaplains as work at hospice—while they are good role models in so many ways, we have theological approaches.  Many of Connecticut Hospice’s volunteers are Roman Catholic deacons, brothers, and priests and so the focus is often on communion, mass, and the Sacrament of the Sick, for our Catholic patients (I’d say 75% of our patients are Catholic).  I believe I have something to offer all of our patients, but I struggle sometimes with overcoming my doubts;
• I will become more familiar with the stories of the Bible so as to communicate more effectively and authentically with my Christian patients (I was raised in a decidedly non-Christian, atheist family and I continue to make great and conscious efforts to overcome the lacuna in my Biblical literacy) and to understand the spiritual metaphors of the stories to inspire my own spirit;
• I will continue to expand my multicultural/multi-faith competency so I can connect more authentically with people of different faiths;
• I will work on my communication skills, particularly my initial visits with family and patients in order to overcome awkwardness and promote greater connection.  I do a lot of “cold” visits and know that the first few minutes, my first few sentences, are crucial to establishing connection;
• I will improve my use of open-ended questions to facilitate discussion;
• I will learn NDoc, the platform used at Connecticut Hospice for tracking patients; 
• I will learn the processes for IDT for Connecticut Hospice homecare patients;
• I will continue to master the reporting practices for Spiritual Care visits.
• I will reignite my meditation practice;
• I will continue to study spiritual resources of prophetic men and women from many faith traditions for my own spiritual growth;
• I will investigate and adapt traditional religious language—notions of grace, faith, blessings, God, etc.—as relates to my liberal progressive beliefs and use this language to facilitate interfaith dialogue.  (For example, I have learned to think of my metta—lovingkindness—meditations as prayer and to describe them as such to others; similarly, I do not use the term “God” to express my understanding of the universe but recognize that my beliefs in love, the spirit of life, and community are encompassed by the word God for many people.)

On patients and visitors I remember:

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• the young man with the brain tumor whose extended family and friends circled around him daily to provide comfort and support.  The hardest part?  Seeing his toddler running around the lobby and talking to his parents about watching their beloved son slowly die.
• the African-American Baha'i gentleman who believed in a loving God but wasn't sure religion had made the world a better place, seeing how so many Christians and others preached such hatred, especially now and who said that we couldn't have talked like we did when he was younger because the white supremacists would have killed him for being alone with a white woman.
• the happy Finnish woman with the beautiful crocheted blanket her mother made 90 years ago, who liked to talk of her home and the summer place by the sea and had seen her parents visiting her.
• the very angry woman who blamed hospice because her husband was deteriorating and she didn't have much time left with him and who then got another woman in the room upset that her brother was dying, too.  That woman, the sister, did find some comfort that day in my singing to her brother.  
• the woman who wanted came at me in the hallway sobbing, begging me to pray aloud for her mother in accordance with her own conservative Protestant Christian views--so that I convince her sister and her dying mother that they were wrong to be Catholics!
• the family that demonstrated so much equanimity in the face of the medical malpractice that had led to their mother's dying in hospice.
• the woman who didn't understand what her dying father was waiting for (because he would have hated being like that and they had all said goodbye but would stay with him until the end--was he waiting for his birthday? the Patriots to win the Superbowl again?) until she opened the window and he breathed the fresh air and died.
• the woman who was an artist who painted lovely portraits and landscapes and hated that people would patronize her because she couldn't talk above a whisper because of her cancer, who felt comfort in knowing that her siblings had been through the same thing before her.
• the woman whose friends held happy gatherings everyday, raucous and joyful--and teased me that as volunteer chaplain I must be too pure for them.
• the woman who was telling funny stories when I showed up--and someone asked if I had "the weed?", leading to a conversation about spiritual care, family and friends, and recreational drug use.
• the woman who kept crying out in pain for help and for a daughter who was not there with whom I sat until the third dose of something finally relieved her.  
• the Catholic patient who died right on his arrival at hospice whose family was still arriving--and how devastated and guilt-ridden they felt that he hadn't received the sacrament of the sick, whom I led in prayers at the bedside because I was the only Spiritual Care volunteer there.
• the woman, who was a "fan" of Mary and Catholic television but belonged to no particular faith community (though she had been Lutheran, Presbyterian, and "Epistopalian") who begged for reassuring verses on heaven and all the prayers, blessings, and rituals of any religion in her panic about her mother's active dying.
• the Ukrainian Jewish siblings who were transferring their 90+ year old dying father back home so their mother, who couldn't travel, could be with him at the end, and who were sad that he had received such indifferent care at the nursing home when there was such loving care at hospice (what was America coming to?)
• the woman deep in the grip of dementia who would become so anxious and agitated when I came to her bedside that I quit visiting so she wouldn't become upset.
• the young gay man with HIV/AIDS who was not quarantined or discriminated against the way he would have been thirty years ago--and all the loving friends and family who surrounded him and how we talked about Pride parades and Macy's.
• the older gay man whose partner was always there, who loved dogs; it was heartbreaking to hear how he had said goodbye to his own dogs before entering hospice.
• the woman who was a writer/illustrator and had left such a creative legacy for all of her children.
• the woman whose bedside table was decorated with photos of many years of annual family reunions (all over North America) and all the happy memories her children shared with me about her.
• the older Catholic gentleman who came to Mass every week but didn't talk much to anyone when we'd visit his bedside; he had a kind face.
• the former UN employee who wandered the halls during PT and would talk to me about books he loved to read and asked what the nautical flags on our pole meant (they are non-sensical.)
• the former hospice volunteer who had many employees at hospice visit and invited me to sit down when I said I was a UU.
• the visiting family member with the beautiful voice who sang along with the pianist and me to a version of "Water is Wide" with words referencing the mass shooting; we all hugged at the end.
• the patient and his wife who regularly sailed out of the harbor seen through our window who told us that the island with the green buoy was Mermaid Island.
• the gentleman who was actively dying and whom I was praying for with a volunteer when the grumpy nurse snapped at us for trying to wake him up (which was not what was happening; same grumpy nurse has snapped at me for visiting a woman with dementia, thinking it encouraged her hallucinations.  I avoid whatever room she's assigned to now.)
• the daughter who came into the Commons room while I was playing Greensleves who thought it was a sign from her mom who had just died minutes before because it was her favorite song.

Other Observations about clinical hours at hospice:

• As a volunteer, it took awhile for me to be recognized as a member of the team by the full-time employees; they are very used to me now and know to come find me.
• There is too much paperwork and no one seems to understand the whole charting system, which is both done by hand and by computer but we're not sure how they integrate the two.
• I am more nervous visiting a patient who has visitors than one who has not; I feel like I'm interrupting their visit.
• I never wake a patient.  Like sleeping dogs and babies.
• Patients who are still awake and alert often suffer from loneliness and welcome company and my visits.
• The view is most comforting to the visiting family; I'm not sure how well our elderly patients lying in the (very fancy and expensive beds) can see the Sound.
• The staff, volunteers, and families were intrigued to watch the Bald Eagle eat his lunch on the ice floe this winter.  There apparently have been a few meaningful bird sightings, like the hawk that watched a memorial service for an employee and flew away when it was over; other hawks have sat outside windows until a patient's death and then flown off.
• Everyone loves the therapy dogs--staff need them as much as patients, I think!
• Psalm 23, the Lord's Prayer, and/or "Amazing Grace" seem to transcend any particular faith and are comforting to so many.
• I like our terrible old out of tune piano in the Common Room.  I try to play Greensleeves there but can't avoid the worst notes.  Still, I like to play.  I also like to sing at Mass or the Interfaith service, even though Christian hymns aren't my favorite (especially because they don't use the UU changed lyrics!)  Two that stick with me are "How Great Thou Art" and "In the Garden."  
• I've made a few small afghans for hospice and have been touched to recognize them on the beds of patients.  Gotta buy more yarn!
• I don't wear scarves to work because they dangle and could cause infection to spread.  I also always wear short sleeves because it is so warm in the building (due to all the windows and the need to keep patients warm); I usually have a very light sweater, which I take off if I have to gown up for infection protections, which is doubly warm.
• Nurses order a lot of take-out for and any snack brought disappears super quickly.  Even faster than with teachers.
• I really like the people in the art therapy department--mainly music and art people, which really isn't a surprise.  In fact, when they hold events, it's a lot like a museum education program with different crafts!  And the musical ones are so gifted.

CPE Observations:

• Thank goodness for this blog and my reflective writing habit of the last ten years.  Everything I write for CPE is similarly reflective, not like academic writing at all.
• So far, the verbatims and class sessions have been less daunting than I expected from the memories of friends who have done them elsewhere before.   I just shared my first case study verbatim this week and have only received a few "giftings" (critical/analytical comments.)  But oh, one of them was very touching and encouraging.  Still, I've been anxious waiting for their responses.  And I have to present to the group this week in our class, which is doubly nerve-wracking.
• And while the online modules were very informative, the final test was ridiculous--it didn't really evaluate what was learned but focused on minute details (what hospital did the author of that one article work at?) and word-for-word definitions and comprehensive lists (I think the module instructors must have a chip on their shoulder in the heavily evidence-based medical field in which many of them work and are trying to make it more scientific.)  Blah.
• The book we have to read, by Anton Boisen, reminds me of Spring Awakening, with the struggle of repressed sexual desires causing an emotional/spiritual crisis for the author.  I've about 1/3 of the way done with it.  Boisen is often seen as the founder of the discipline of hospital/healthcare chaplaincy.
• Other things I'm consulting:  Karen Armstong's books Great Transformation: The Beginning of Our Religious Traditions, The Bible: A Biography, The Case for God, The History of God; Scotty McLennan's Christ for Unitarian Universalists; John Buehrens's Understanding the Bible: An Introduction for Skeptics, Seekers, and Religious Liberals; Neville Kirkwood's Pastoral Care in Hospitals; Interfaith Ministry Handbook; The Work of the Chaplain; What do I Say? Talking with Patients About Spirituality; Arthur Becker's The Compassionate Visitor; Professional Spiritual and Pastoral Care: A Practical Clergy and Chaplain's Handbook.  And, yes, The New Oxford Annotated Bible.

Hopefully that gives you a sense of what I've been doing for six weeks or so.  

More Snow

Nor'easter.  Bombogenesis.  And now something blizzard-like.  It's been quite an impressive couple of weeks here in CT.  But we have been pretty lucky here at our house.  Just a some big branches down on the yard, a few hours of lost power--a few days after the storm--when a branch stuck on a transformer smoldered and blew.  We're hoping our streak continues.  The kids are even tired of snow days, knowing now that the time will be taken out of summer.  And each day I miss at hospice is another day I have to squeeze in to make my hours.  (And that doesn't include the time I knew I'd miss because of our big trip to Italy.)  Still I love a snow day, cozy at home, watching it fall.

And I love it even more now that we have somebody who brings out his plow for our driveway when it just gets too much.

At the Hindu Temple

Today, our RE class went to a Hindu temple here in CT, having learned more about Hinduism last week from our RE director, who had majored in East Asian religions and lived in India for a year (his mother had been in the Peace Corps in India for 2 1/2 years; he was in the Peace Corps in Costa Rica, I believe.)

He had told us several stories from Hinduism, about the four faces of Brahma, and the three main deities Brahma, Vishnu, and Shiva; about both the oneness and multifaceted aspects of God (which are either believed to really exist or to be symbols of life, nature, etc.); about Rama and his story in the Ramayana; about Krishna and his incarnations when life on earth is out of balance between good and bad; about the elephant-headed god Ganesh; pooja, the ritual offerings; the animal spirits associated with the gods (and so there are many vegetarians); Sanskrit; samsara, or the wheel of suffering; reincarnation; karma, which is not some kind of universal scale of justice, but is more about the sum total of your actions (I've heard it described as intention)--so not "karma is a bitch."

So today was our field trip.  We removed our shoes, saw the shrine to Ganesh, entered the main sanctuary, and did the prayer walk around the room, seeing each shrine and statues to the deities.  The kids asked questions, as did the adults, as we went.  The statues were from India, but the elaborate, gleaming white architectural niches were made here (no pictures allowed inside this area.)  We saw several people praying and making offerings at various shrines--Rama, Shiva, the Jains, the planets, and several others.  There was the sweet smell of incense and lots of ringing bells, plus chanting.  Also, another member demonstrated how ashes at the shrine of Shiva were put across the forehead, left to right; he compared it to Catholic Ash Wednesday.

Then we went downstairs to the Hindu school for the common prayers; we sat on mats or in chairs along the wall.  Led by students, we chanted OM , and other chants (shanti, shanti, shanti), plus two cycles of yoga forms (essentially what we would call salutation of the sun, downward facing dog, and others, each presented with their Hindu name and a short instruction, but I had the strong feeling that this was yoga as it was meant to be--within its spiritual tradition.  i just looked it up--it was a progression called the Surya Namaskara), and more chanting.  There were two presentations on temples by students--one in Tamil Nadu to Shiva and one KaliSa (I think.)  After the kids presented, they asked the gathered children and adults 4 questions--right answers were rewarded with candy!  Everybody liked this part and a couple of our students had a right answer.

Then we went upstairs where there was more chanting and an increasing number of people.  We watched for awhile, looked over a book they had on the temple and its prayer walk.  The curtain in front of the main deity was drawn because the statue was being washed (butter, milk, juice, honey etc., which is later offered as a blessing) and dressed; we hoped to see the curtain opened but think it happened later than we were there.  As we left, I did buy some laddu, a sweet yellow ball with (usually) chickpea flour, ghee, sugar, nuts (almonds or pistachios), cardamom, and this one had raisins.  I shared it around outside but the kids pretty much didn't like it, neither did the adults (well, I did, but I remember having it at my Hindu neighbor's house when I was a child.)

I think we have one major field trip left, to an African American Baptist church.  I've really loved this class.

Updates

Hmmm, I see it's been awhile since I posted.

• I pulled a muscle in my back and was down for the count for a few days.  It was a bad combination of driving a lot, sitting at the Zentangle retreat, PMSing, having a confrontation with my chaplain supervisor, and standing up too quickly from a nice, long lunch and visit with our hospice priest.
• The benefit of being in bed and taking it easy was that I finished not one but both of my online chaplain modules, about 50 hours total.  And I passed both.  I still have the 300 clinical hours and the weekly class with its assignments totaling another 150.
• My mom came for a 5-day visit, and, though I couldn't go to see Come From Away with her as planned, we all had a good visit.
• Chinese New Year season has ended.  The kids and Mama celebrated in NY with family (the day my mom went to the musical; I stayed home resting.)  Bud performed in umpteen kung fu productions, culminating at Yale last weekend.  We love watching him, but new-year season is exhausting with extra practices and shows all over the state.
• CPE is going well.  I'm getting a real feel for the rhythm of the hospice facility, all the various nurses (charge, managing, director of . . . ) and techs and LPN and CNAs and who knows who else (nutritionists, pharmacists, PT, social workers, arts therapists) and a legion of volunteers who help serve and feed the patients, do the flowers, play the piano or bring guitars, do pet therapy, staff the reception desk, are Loving Whisperers who sit with those actively dying or those who need extra attention.  And they are all starting to identify me.  I also really like our new priest.  He's got a great way with the patients and always wants to be up there with them (our offices are below the rooms.)  Much more engaged that way than the previous priest.  And we have great conversations on art, travel, whatever comes to mind.  In fact, he seems a lot like Pope Francis, in his focus on the poor and his love for all.  And he is fluent in Spanish, which is great for our patients.  He was also wonderful with me when I pulled out my back during our lunch together.
• We found out yesterday that it's time for Sis's pony Murphy to go back to the farm in Vermont.  No, that isn't some horse euphemism; he's actually returning to his home farm because he's older and lame and can't be ridden often.  Sis is heartbroken and will got with her farm owner (and Mama) to drop him off and help select the new horse to come back.  There have been a lot of tears around here, and not just from Sis.  It's so hard to know how much she hurts.  I have been tempted to buy that old pony--most expensive lawn ornament ever, someone said.  And then she can feed him peppermints to his heart's delight and he can grow fat and happy.  But I think that's not the best idea, even if it would be the easiest from a pain/sadness perspective.  Still, he'll always be the first and we're mourning his loss.  She's made a digital picture album that we're having printed but rejected my idea of braiding some of his hair.
• We saw Black Panther and it was marvelous.  Yep, the hype is well-deserved.  Besides being an entertaining movie with beautiful people, costumes, settings, etc. inspired by Afro-futurism and many African cultural traditions (I forget all of the different ones--neck rings, lip disks, ritual scarification, Kente cloth, etc etc, from Benin,)  the movie has thought provoking socio-political ideas on race and gender (and the intersectionalities of such.)  The MLK vs. Malcolm X continuum of peaceful resistance or violent overthrow, commentary on being black in America, and also African-Americans of the diaspora and their literal and figurative distance from Africa.  Plus breaking all manner of stereotypes about black women and men.
• Parkland, Florida.  What can I say?  Emma Gonzalez and her fellow students are having an enormous effect in the aftermath of tragedy in a way that hasn't quite been managed after a school shooting before.  I really appreciate all of the memes about raising these last generations (not just on school shootings, but) on dystopic novels--Hunger Games, Divergent, even in it's way Harry Potter--where students fight back against an oppressive force.  The teens have it!  And we have your back.
• In RE, the kids are studying Hinduism.  I'm learning a lot and look forward to visit a Hindu temple soon.  Next up:  Buddhism.  Then AME (traditional African-American Baptist church), Quakers, earth-based paganism, and I think a last unit on religious cults.
• Less than 2 months to Italy.  It's almost hard to believe--it still doesn't feel real.

Zenith of Zentangle

Last weekend, I had a marvelous getaway at a Zentangle retreat at Copper Beech.

Before classes started, I wandered out to the labyrinth, which was covered in ice.  I was nervous about walking on the ice and couldn't do the whole loop, but I enjoyed the solitude and the view.  I even left behind a token I had stamped with the word "peace."  I especially liked all of the other footsepts around the labyrinth which were frozen in the ice.  Just the idea of everyone walking the path separately.  It reminds me of that meme (though it existed before internet memes) about footsteps on the beach and there only being one set at times, when God carried the person.  For me, the footsteps at the labyrinth were the community walking separately but together.

Then it was food and tangling.  We always eat well at Copper Beech!  Salads, baked cod, chicken parmesan, tasty veggie sides, fresh-baked cookies, honey butter with bread.  Mmm, mmm, good.

And on the tangling!  So many great projects, including our double-heart-string puzzle, a piece of which was given to someone else to tangle and returned to us at the end of the weekend.

And the gorgeous bleeding tissue paper that colored our opus tile for our tangled heart.  I experimented with lots of "frills" or "doodads" outside the heart, also with random white dots to highlight the patterns.  And of course, I don't usually work in color.  This was a great way to use color without worrying about coloring or painting in the tangles.  

We also made gratitude bouquets (the vase is made from acrylic paint applied onto paper with baby wipes!), a little book (acrylic paint scraped on paper with a gift card or hotel key card), and a little Bijou tile book which will contain 26 tangles A to Z.  I made the book but will add the Bijous later.  I was mostly focused on the bigger, higher concentration projects like the heart and the puzzle.

I really liked the group of women (and one man) who attended, several of whom I'm now in touch with online.  Of all my Zentangle classes, this one really stands out.  Just lots of fun and inspiration.

Affirmations

Here we go, more achievements and affirmations:

• part-time hospice work (about 15 hours a week, for 300 hours in 5 months)
• starting CPE modules and unit cohort work (about 200 hours)
• Zentangle retreat--DRIVING myself, lots of tangling, walking to the very icy labyrinthe!
• Driving--30 minutes to hospice, 40 minutes to see a play with Girl Scouts, 55 minutes to Zentangle retreat--new personal records all in one week!
• Girl Scout overnight--archery, sleeping on the floor, walking on snow in dark
• bike riding on a few warm days in a row, going fast (for me)
• treadmilling at my highest rate yet!
• applying, interviewing, and earning spot in CPE spring unit!
• Speedskating weekend, including:
• driving farther than I have since my back issues
• driving after a blizzard (though the roads were great!) at night
• lugging all the supplies for the competition
• taking care of Sis by myself out and about for the whole time (pretty easy, but still!)
• overseeing the hospitality room at the competition
• working the hospitality room for 10 hours!
• driving home despite being tired
• and then driving to church the next morning!!!!
• our trip to DC, with very cold weather and full day spent at museums
• holding down the household when Mama had the flu
• braving a back spasm in October and recovering after a few days
• not wearing my brace for hospice, shopping, birding, piano playing, zoo, etc.
• restarting my treadmill habit!
• walking in ice and snow, which usually scares me
• wearing jeans (which have bothered my back, in the past)
• and a few I didn't ever list from last year
• all the sightseeing in NJ in the awful heat
• Hog Island Camp, especially the full-day hike!!!  
• Opera, Broadway shows, and lots of movies (all that sitting)

For the old lists, see my original list of Affirmations is from March, April, October 2015, then March and June 2016, and June 2017 and here)

Tidbits

Here are some notes on the week since the Super Bowl:

• I'm so glad the Patriots didn't win.  Yay, Eagles!  It was a pretty good game.  
• My mom arrives in about an hour, having canceled her last trip when my uncle died and then not coming for Christmas.  I don't think we've seen her since the summer.
• My back is out.  A cocktail of lots of driving, lots of sitting at the Zentangle retreat, starting my period, stress at hospice, and sitting in a booth for lunch ended with my standing up from lunch and not being able to take a step.  Mama even had to come fetch me and get me to the car in a wheelchair.  With meds, rest, and my great adjustable bed, I'm already taking a few steps on my own.  Still, I had to skip hospice today and it was a bit embarrassing to be so helpless there yesterday.  And a good reminder to take it easier.  I had been making back progress though--I don't wear my brace at hospice and I've been on my treadmill a lot recently.  Just bad timing, I think.  
• Zentangle retreat:  another beautiful experience at Copper Beech Mindfulness Institute for a weekend of Zentangling.  I'll write about it later.
• I had fun at last week's speedskating practice.  While sitting in the stands watching, I met a young girl, who was interested in skating, and her mom--who had been on the national speedskating team AND been an alternate at the Calgary Olympics.  So cool!  And Sis had a big fall--she was letting it fly in a race, letting go of all caution, and wiped out trying to pass the leader.  It was too fast even to get nervous--I saw the fall and she slid a lot and then hopped back up.  Whew. Relief.  It was only nervewracking after the fact.
• It's Chinese New Year season and Bud has had a lot of kung fu performances.  I think there's at least one this weekend and then perhaps two the weekend after.
• I'm really enjoying the Olympics, as is the whole family.  Bud picks up on the lingo of whatever sport he's watching--luge, slopestyle snowboarding, half pipe, figure skating.  Sis is excited about all of the short track speedskating, her own sport.  One of the team members even got his start on her team, though way before us.