The Four Things

Please forgive me.
I forgive you.
Thank you.
I love you.

Dr. Ira Byock, in his The Four Things that Matter Most, posits that these four simple phrases, when addressed to your loved ones, will often transform your relationships for the better.  Byock has worked in palliative and hospice care throughout his career and has extrapolated the Four Things from those experiences, particularly the radical changes wrought when they're used by families facing death.  I read the book for my hospice work, as most of the examples are deathbed conversations.  But I can absolutely see how I could use them now, though I'm not currently at death's door.  As he says, why wait, because you never know . . . . (and I think, right now, one of my bigger fears is dying unexpectedly, like in a car accident.)

I can see that the forgiveness bits would be the hardest, particularly as "please forgive me" verges on "I'm sorry," without, specifically, the actual apology (though you can do that, too, if you mean it).  As in, "Please forgive me for being gay" is not the same as "I'm sorry for being gay."  (This is the most obvious example  . . . and not one that actually really speaks to me personally.)  Forgiveness, as Byock repeatedly asserts, is not acceptance or a condoning of the past action, but a way to leave the past in the past while acknowledging the pain once and for all.  You can still be angry, hurt, offended, whatever, but you are saying this no longer has hold over me.  Or, I know this caused you pain, hurt, offense and I'm sorry you suffered (even if you're not sorry about the action).  I realized, though, that saying something like, "I forgive you for being a terrible ______" might be more hurtful than helpful.  I guess you'd have to watch how you phrased it.    You've seen them here on this blog before.  Forgiveness seems more personal because it addresses pain.  Regrets, mistakes, affronts, poor decisions, inadvertent injury.  I think I'm better at "thank you" and "I love you."  Byock also indicates that forgiving ourselves is also extremely powerful--forgive yourself for not being perfect, for being human and flawed.

It's an easier system to remember and to try to follow than, say, the formal statements of non-violent communication.  Byock even acknowledges that working through them on your own can help, if there is not an opportunity or a positive reception to saying it to someone.  It's not a magic spell, even if he recounts the wonders it has worked.  And really, what relationship can't be buoyed at anytime by these Four Things?

So don't be surprised if you hear some of these phrases come out of my mouth more often.