When You Can't Do What You Do

I'm a stay-at-home mom. But today I'm staying at home when I should be leaving. Because my kids are going to a kindergarten gathering without me this morning. I've been waiting for the beginning of school with a mixture of sadness, concern, excitement, and even relief practically since they were born. And now the time has come and I am not really participating. Well, that's not true: I have all of the anxiety and stress without all the fun distractions and preparations. I haven't bought them clothes or school supplies or little gifts for the first day of school. I'm not going to the gathering today. I'll be lucky if I can go to the first day of school next week. I'm trying to make arrangements for other people (family, friends, a hired nanny?) to take them and pick them up, cook meals, prepare snacks, organize clothes, just in case I'm not ready by next week. And I feel like I'm missing out, letting them down, ruining it all, for them, for me. The disappointment runs very deep and I try not to disturb it, because it can't be helped, try to stay in the moment, embrace acceptance, not get caught up in the expectations and judgments, but it is so hard. Luckily, I know they are in good hands with Mama and Gommie and Pop. It's just not my hands. Which are now, here at home, with nothing to do as I lie here except type.