SAHM I Am

Hello, my name is J. And I'm a stay-at-home mom.

Before I had kids, I had a career. Advanced degrees, my own office in Manhattan, people I supervised.

Well, I still have the advanced degrees but that's about all in my life, besides DP, that has stayed the same.

And on a regular basis, I am asked, by complete or nearly complete strangers, to explain my life and choices, with the simple question, "Do you enjoy being a stay-at-home mom?"

It's more controversial than my being a lesbian.

Mind you, the only people who ever ask me this are working moms. Not other SAHMS, because they understand the complexity of it. "Enjoy?" You mean the way I enjoy a fine piece of dark chocolate? Right. Working men don't ever ask; I'm not sure it would occur to them. Frankly, I just don't know many working men, except the husbands of my playgroup friends who are more mythic than real to me anyway. And they aren't going to ask. And DP--who is in the fairly unique position of being a working mom with a mom at home for childcare, which eliminates--usually!--worries about the quality of care the kids are getting--doesn't need to ask.

But working moms want to know. I think they're trying to find out, or to confirm, that they are doing the best thing for themselves, their kids, their families. And they all look at me incredulously and laugh when I answer:

"Most of the time."

I'm honest, right? Most of the time I do love being home with my kids daily, by myself, for 12 hours, just us, at home. Truly. We do fun stuff, silly stuff, boring stuff, embarrassing stuff and I won't remember most of it, except the things that I write in my journal and here. And for now, they won't remember any of it. And "it" is always changing. But I know it all has value, so in addition to loving those moments, most of them, it's important to me and to DP that one of us is there.

But all the time? No way. They fight, they make messes, and reading Dora's Chilly Day for the fourteenth time in a row (though each time gets shorter because I want to be done) is brain numbing. I'd love to sleep in, play my music in the car as loud as I want, watch tv that actually has a complicated plot, take more than 5 minutes to eat a meal and sit in a chair while doing it! Not to mention use my passport more often, eat in restaurants that don't have chicken fingers (though, I love a good chicken finger), and spend more time in NYC.

Of course, these aren't things that working moms do either.

However, there are days when all of it gets to me, usually on days when none of us has had enough sleep and we have nothing planned to distract us from our exhaustion. And it's on those days that I long for the routine of my old career. I dream of polishing off my resume, of having a job that I get paid to do, of working only a set number of hours, in my own office, with assistance, with a lunch break, and other adults to talk to about things that aren't child-related.

But just as this dream gets started, I realize, that there isn't any time in my day that I would regularly want to give over for a job, even something part time. Miss those golden hours in the morning when they play best together? Miss outings to playgroups, stores, storytimes when they always do something surprising and endearing? Even the evil hours--between 3:30-5:30 often have some of the best moments--of baking, or painting, or just sitting on the couch watching tv. What would I want to give up? I'm glad I don't have to choose.

I used to become defensive, even self-questioning (theres' a better word for this but it's late), at least internally, when asked this. Or especially, when one of my SAHM friends gave up the s-a-h part to return to work again. Should I? What did they know that I didn't? What made us different? What was I missing? I don't have those thoughts anymore--I've worked before, I'll work again, I know what I'm missing.

But many working moms haven't been SAHMs, or not for long. And, as far as I can tell from the ones with whom I've had this conversation, they hold almost mutually exclusive thoughts on the matter: they seem to idealize SAHM life and are surprised that I'm not happy with it all the time and yet they invariably tell me that, well, they could never ever be a stay-at-home mom--it would drive them crazy.

I never know how to answer that. I want to make them feel better about their choice, to be happy with what they've decided, just as I am. And I imagine they are--just like I am--happy. Most of the time.