Conflict. Resolution.

Conflict.

There has been some of this recently, as of course there always is.

The biggest problem right now comes at the beginning and end of each day, when the kids go to brush their teeth.  They like to brush simultaneously, syncing up their electric toothbrush beeps.  Except sometimes one does not wait for the other to get out of bed or climb up the stairs.  And so fighting and crying ensues, here at the time of day when you really want calm and kindness. We've talked it out and tried compromises, but it hasn't worked. My Little Chickadees blogger Shelley told me she's had similar problems and eventually made a one-kid-in-the-bathroom at the same time.  So we started that last night, though they resisted being separated.  Twins are funny that way:  best friends, worst enemies, but always wanting to be together regardless.

Conflict isn't just at home.  And it's not always as clear cut as who brushes first.  Neighbor Boy is inadvertently causing some conflict these days.  He gets home from school first and waits for the kids to get off their bus, watching from his bedroom to come over as soon as they're home.  They don't always want to play with him, though, but have trouble saying so.  We've been practicing some ideas, like "I want to play by myself right now."  But Neighbor Boy is persistent.  "Can I just watch?" he says coming into the yard.  The kids try "no, thanks" a few times, with my coaching, but it doesn't work and Neighbor Boy doesn't leave(.  And there we are, all three of us, stymied by a second grader.

Because, you see, I'm terrible at conflict and conflict resolution.  Sure, I know about listening and using "I" messages, but I actually rarely ever get to that point.  Because I give up, give in, or, in the worse cases, just stay silent. And that's when I  notice that I'm upset or angry or frustrated or annoyed or sad; often, I'm moving to fix it before I know what it is.  I've always thought I was just the type of person who didn't get angry or upset, or that it was "nice," Southern etiquette to be agreeable (and not honest or direct), but I think the truth is that I'm very uncomfortable with painful emotions and so avoid them almost at whatever cost.  As I look back, this is a very entrenched habit, which, on reflection, has not served me or my friends and loved ones well (even or especially because I tend to have low or no-conflict people around me, weeding out the high-conflict ones quickly)

Now, Mama and I have been together for 18 years this summer and, in true lesbian stereotypical fashion, we process everything.  And I think I can manage our conflicts--and we don't have many (which might be because I avoid them)--because I feel safe and know she loves me and isn't going anywhere; besides, we practice talking things out a lot.  But otherwise, with everyone else, whom I don't practice with or feel that comfortable around, I might be something of a doormat, trying to never say anything that will directly cause me or the other person to be upset, or by not reacting or responding when they upset me (I guess because I would choose upsetting myself than someone else, almost every time). Sometimes by apologizing to them.  Oftentimes by being silent.  Sometimes permanently, of which I am ashamed.

Except, that is, when I reach my boiling point, and emotion spills over uncontrollably.  And that's not good or pretty either.

So, how do I teach conflict resolution if I avoid conflict and never have real resolution?  Yes, I have non-violent communication, or NVC, and I have probably been drawn to that by its model for expressing needs and understanding feelings.  But I'm not sure how often I model that in my own behavior, even if I talk a good game.  I mean, I've been confounded by a second grader, whom I didn't want to upset by asking him to leave. And so I disappointed the kids and upset myself.  (That particular incident ended on a high note, as the kids all decided to play together and created a circus performance on the playset, which was fun.)

But I'll be thinking about how to do that better next time, probably by studying some more NVC and consciously responding in the moment instead of avoiding, repressing, or glossing over it.  So the kids will do better than I do every time.

Resolution.