Zazen

I practiced meditating tonight, something I've wanted to try for a long time but hadn't for a variety of fuzzy reasons, mainly because a). I would forget that I wanted to try and b). I was a bit intimidated by it. Mama had taken a class in transcendental meditation and it sounded very rigid, what she could tell me anyway. So I was a bit timid to try it, not sure about "doing it right" on my own.

I had read steps for meditation in Karen Mazen Miller's Momma Zen: Walking the Crooked Path of Motherhood but then loaned the book to Mama and never followed the steps. But today, Miller posted them on her blog.

And so, with Mama on a plane to Thailand (considering mindfulness, her own family's Theravadan Buddhist practice, and upcoming visits to various wats, or temples, important to her family), the kids and Gommie asleep in their room, my waiting for things to be done so I can go to bed (laundry and rice cooking), I decided to set aside 5 minutes and try the steps. Besides, my world is converging with Buddhism again: I saw the Dalai Lama's How to Practice at the store--how often is that in the book section of your grocery store?

It's going to take practice. I was very aware that I was Meditating, with a capital "M" and probably an exclamation mark. I had trouble settling into it in my chair, noticing various distractions and trying to turn them all off so I could concentrate. Which probably wasn't the right idea, but I needed the lights of the monitor moved away, the laptop lid closed, and even the muted tv turned off (even though I couldn't see it where I was sitting). Even then, I was distracted by the hum of the air conditioner.

But I tried to let some of that enter my head and go away again. Then I had some meta-meditating. Thinking about meditating, wondering how I would blog it. Again, not exactly what I think I'm "supposed" to do, but I tried to just think the thought and not dwell. As the instructions note, I was counting to ten, with inhalations and exhalations, which is surprisingly hard--I would lose count or not do my "yogic" breaths, the ones I used while pregnant that I have seen on the monitor actually lower my blood pressure, which is never particularly high--suddenly I'd be breathing in my chest or breathing too shallowly or quickly or through my mouth. And then I'd be thinking about that. And then trying to let it go. Or thinking about my eyes and what I could see and where I was staring and was it a good spot or was it distracting and so I'd switched to another and then I closed my eyes which she said not to do so I'd open them but then I'd be thinking about what I was staring at again. All of which meant I spent a lot of time in those five minutes thinking about thinking.

How do I feel? I'm glad to have tried it, if only because it was something I have wanted to experience. And I will try it again, if only to practice a few times or even longer before I decide if it's for me. The first time is never the same as the second, or the third, or the tenth. I'd try again now, but I don't think that's the point either. In fact, it feels odd to blog about meditating at all, as if it should be secret, like a confessional or something. Definitely all new territory for me. More later, maybe . . .