Color Me Possessive

As my kids have heard me say, sometimes I'm not good at sharing.

And so, the other day, I tested myself: I shared my coloring book. I hadn't set out to share. They were both playing and I was looking for a way to be present without being involved, so I pulled out my mandala coloring book and my new carousel of colors, which I had relocated to the basement as part of my craft studio. That's like throwing chum in the water for my kids, who came right over to the couch (yep, the futon cushions arrived and everything is set up).

I made a decision to share, to let them color in my book with my colors, neither of which I had yet used myself. I realized that if I didn't actually use the book when I found the time, which would be with them, that I never would, which wasn't the purpose of having the book, to leave it uncolored. Consider it an exercise in non-attachment, my testing how I can be unattached to things, especially things like coloring books and colors (or more importantly, my need for control). Now, if you know me of old, you know how hard this was (Aunt Banana can tell you). I'm a bit possessive about (or over-attached to) what I consider my stuff and not very good at sharing. I like my coloring books neat and my colors in order. So, the kids and I ordered the carousel by color family, which they thought was fun, even though I could feel myself getting anxious about how they tried to shove crayons where they didn't fit.

Then we all started coloring, albeit on a page I didn't particularly like. Sis kept telling me which colors to choose and we agreed on pink, with some green and blue, rather like a lotus flower in the water, though I added some purple, too. She did three-quarters of the mandala and I tried out a color pattern in my quarter (practice for the other pages, I kept telling myself).

But then Bud started coloring all over everything. In brown! And I had to lay down some coloring book laws, realizing all the while how crazy I must sound:

• You don't color over other people's pictures.
• You color within the lines (of course, they're 4 and can't quite do that, but let's show some respect for the lines)--if you don't want to color in the lines, get a blank sheet of paper.
• Put the colors back where you got them and don't force them in.

Right, I know, I have a problem, a little coloring book OCD, you might say. But we worked it all out and finished our page, with Bud figuring out that he could do the blue parts. In the end, our picture is beautiful, though not what I had first intended. But I think I treasure more if only because it represents such a deviation from normal for me, such an emotional effort (which sounds silly, we're talking about coloring books, but it's symbolic). You never know exactly where your boundaries are (or how high) until you step over them. And then, sometimes, you move them.

When I showed Mama the picture later, she thought I was nuts to even try it, recognizing what an effort it was (and probably what a freak I seemed to the kids). She applauded my effort to step outside my box, so to speak, but suggested I not torture myself so. She said that I don't have to share everything, that it's okay to have boundaries, to keep something back just for myself. Which, I agree, is absolutely true.

Will I do it again? Maybe.

But only on the pages I don't really like.