A Different Number

26.

The number of victims at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown.

26 angels inspiring 26 acts of kindness.

Except there were 28 souls lost that day.

Because I count the mother of the shooter and even the shooter himself.

After much reflection and some passage of time, I wanted to post about the number 26 and the other two.  Of course, I am not a family member of any of the victims and would totally understand and respect if they couldn't bear to mention their loved ones in the same breath as the shooter.  Just as families of victims at Columbine, Aurora, Virginia Tech, even Oklahoma City and September 11 focus on the lost innocents and not the criminal perpetrators, so it is right that the families of Newtown do, too.

But I am speaking of and to those of us who are unrelated bystanders, witnesses you may say, of this tragedy, for whom this loss while intense and painful is not personal.  For it is we who are spared the emotional trauma of the shocking loss of a loved one, we who have the distance from the tragedy needed to reflect upon it at large.  As a religious person, following the principles of Unitarian Universalism which focus on the inherent worth and dignity of all people as well as the inter-connectedness of all life, I cannot forget the shooter or his mother.  And while the majority of my thoughts and prayers and tears are with and for the lost first graders and their teachers and all of their families, friends, and community, as well as with the first responders, I have also been thinking of the other two.

I cannot blame the shooter's mother for her own death nor for the actions of her son, even if the guns were hers and she knew of his mental health challenges.  As for her son, about whom I know very little, I do recognize how he must have been so alienated from the human community and from his own worth and dignity to take the lives of children, teachers, his mother, and himself.   While this in no way explains, excuses, or condones his actions, it allows me to feel compassion for him and for her and for their family and friends.

And compassion is what we need right now, for the victims, the survivors, and ourselves, as we begin to heal and especially as we begin to engage with the issues that contributed to this tragedy such as gun control and mental health treatment.   Separating the shooter and his mother as the "other," as evil, as undeserving of compassion, even as somehow inhuman, only serves to create an illusion of safety, albeit one that we, especially parents, would very much like to embrace right now.  If he is an example of evil, we can condemn, hate, even erase him.  Then we do not have to address the very human circumstances, within all of us to some degree, that led to this tragedy; we do not have to recognize or admit our own complicity in this violence, however minimal or indirect via gun and healthcare laws, media and culture, etc.

But it is through compassion for all of the lost souls, all 28 of them that day, that we as both individuals and as a society will perhaps come one step closer to healing from this tragedy and to preventing another similar one.

Choose Love

We were driving on the interstate the other day and Bud noticed the striking green-and-white, "We are Sandy Hook/We Choose Love" billboard.  He wanted to know what the sign meant so we discussed love, respect, compassion versus anger, hate, and violence.  We also talked specifically about compassion not only for the victims but also for the shooter and his mother.

To change the topic somewhat, I mentioned that the surviving students of Sandy Hook, all 400+ of them, were now back in school at a new place.  Bud thought on this a bit and asked, "Does that mean there are no kindergartners at their school now?"

Oh.

How does he get right to the heart of it every time?

I'd forgotten we'd thought many of the deceased were kindergartners.  I told him there were some survivors in first grade . . . but what else can you say?

Thoughts on Newtown

"There will be many explanations but none will fully explain."

It is a different experience living so close to such a national tragedy.  Sure, I mourned the victims in Columbine, Virginia Tech, Aurora, and elsewhere, but here and now I feel like I know them.  At most I am two degrees of separation from the victims, survivors, and first responders. Friends of friends.  A friend's brother-in-law was on the scene as a firefighter; another friend's sister-in-law was one of the school psychologists working with the families at the firehouse on Friday; our teacher knew the teacher who died while hiding and protecting her students; yet another teacher texted a friend who teaches at Sandy Hook and reached her during lockdown unsure of what was unfolding.  It's not just national news here; it's local and personal and immediate.  

I went to church yesterday, looking for some time and space to sit with my thoughts and feelings.  It was the music service, with some additional readings and meditations.  And while I had perhaps looked forward to a whole, thoughtful sermon, the music was perfect, allowing me the chance to sit, hug Sis and Bud, put my arms around Mama.  Once the kids went to class, the assistant minister rose and spoke briefly, giving a uniquely Unitarian Universalist take on the Newtown shooting.  She said that there would be many explanations but none that would fully explain why Adam Lanza killed so many people at Sandy Hook.  And then she talked about the shooter, how he was so divorced and disengaged from comprehending his own worth and dignity that he couldn't begin to perceive it in others.  His only answer to the precious gift of life that he could not understand was to end it for others and then himself.  

We can't know, ever, I believe, what triggered him that day to shoot and kill people, to go to the school of all places and end young lives just at their very beginnings and those of the adults protecting them.  And for me, the specific "why" of Lanza's motives doesn't matter because it doesn't change what happened (and beyond that, I accept the fact of human suffering, in all it's incarnation, even the most incomprehensible and tragic; it's not rational, it just is).  I have compassion for him, for the isolation he must have experienced that led to his separation from his humanity.

And I have compassion for his victims:

Charlotte. Daniel. Olivia. Josephine. Ana. Dylan. Madeleine. Catherine. Chase. Jesse. James. Grace. Emilie. Jack. Noah. Caroline. Jessica. Benjamin. Avielle. Alison.  Dawn Hochsprung.  Mary Sherlach. Vicki Soto. Lauren Rousseau.  Rachel Davino.  Anne Marie Murphy.

These are the names to remember, the lost children and teachers.  

But I do believe change needs to happen.  Change in our treatment of people with mental illness (for a touching essay on this, see here).  Change in our laws controlling guns and ammunition, and I hope Obama follows up and is able to help us change our answer about protecting our children from "no" to "yes" (see here for President Obama's speech at the memorial service; here for a thought-provoking essay on widespread and public gun ownership as the antithesis of a civil and free democracy.)  Change in the sensationalist media that thrives on such news (and some believe--though NOT Morgan Freeman originally--that the media is one of the culprits by canonizing evil-doers and creating one-upmanship.)  Even change in our support (financially and morally) of teachers and schools.

I have to admit to some pessimism that we will reach a compromise on these issues, particularly when FB is full of posts quoting Mike Huckabee who believes the removal of prayer in school led to the uptick in school shootings, other posts saying we deserve it because of abortion deaths, even others saying that if there weren't laws banning carrying guns in schools those teacher would've shot back and no one but the shooter would have died. I'm waiting to see the quote that says Connecticut deserves such murders because we have same-sex marriage (Falwell said something similar about Florida and Hurricane Andrew).  Of course, the liberals have their posts (and can be just as intractable as conservatives) about gun control stating guns do kill people (as opposed to the Chinese school tragedy, where the 22 children stabbed all lived) and the importance of mental health initiatives.  Clearly we are a house divided, very much along the same geographical lines at almost 160 years ago.  

But we'll try, in memory of those named above and in honor of our children and teachers and first responders still living, so that perhaps no one will go through this again anytime soon.

Because today, right now as I type, they are burying Noah Pozner.  I don't know Noah or his family.  When I first heard about the loss of the kindergarten class, I thought, "If it were our school, our family would be gone," because our twins are in the same class.  And I hoped twins weren't killed.  Well "twins" weren't, but one twin was.  Today as Noah Pozner is buried, his six-year-old twin sister Arielle will be at his funeral.

And so I make prayer shawls and huggable monsters, sign petitions and make donations, hug my children and pray:

May the souls of the victims be at ease.
May their family members and friends be comforted.
May the survivors be comforted.May the firefighters and other first responders be comforted.
May their Newtown neighbors and community be comforted.
May their fellow Nutmeggers be comforted.
May those who have lost loved ones to gun violence be comforted.
May those who have been survivors of gun violence be comforted.
May other people who suffered loss, pain,and  illness during this holiday be comforted.
May people who suffer loss, pain, and illness be comforted.
May the people who help and care for them be comforted.
May those who struggle with the challenges of mental illness be comforted.
May those whose loved ones struggle with mental illness be comforted.
May we all be at ease and come to the end of suffering.

A Party Goes On

Last night was our cookie exchange, which Mama Teacher and I had been planning for weeks, if not since last year's aborted swap.

And then Friday.

Because the guests were all close and/or long-time friends and because we thought we might all appreciate the chance to gather in mutual grief and support, we decided to go on with the party, recognizing that some people would not feel up to coming and that it wasn't going to be a light and festive occasion.

About half the originally-RSVPing people came (but not my poor co-host, Mama Teacher, who has pink eye!) and we did share our thoughts and feelings about Newtown throughout the evening; all other threads of conversation came back to the shooting, but we did talk about other things.

And we ate, eventually just moving the entire spread to the coffee table in the living room as we cozily gathered around it to chat.  Chips and salsa.  Brie baked in crescent rolls.  Cream cheese and chutney on crackers.  Mini quiches. Texas "Trash" or Chex Mix.  And Texas Black-Eyed Pea Dip, which was the most popular dish of the night, with the recipe unanimously requested.

I include it and all the cookie recipes below.

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Texas Black-Eyed Pea Dip

1 stick butter

5 scallions, chopped

8 oz. Monterrey Jack cheese, shredded

2 cans black-eyed peas (I used Sylvia's Specially Sesasoned Black Eyes, at Shop and Stop in the "Southern" section; Trappey's is traditional but not available here), drained 

1-4 oz. can green chilies, chopped (like Old El Paso)

1 clove garlic, minced, or garlic powder to taste

Heat butter in saucepan until melted, adding all remaining ingredients.  Heat through, stirring occasionally.  Mash beans to desired consistency (I like to leave it half-chunky).  Serve immediately with corn chips.  Can be reheated in microwave if it gets too cool.

Holiday Cookie Exchange Recipes 2012

K.J.’s French Cookies

1 stick of butter

1 cup brown sugar

1 cup half & half

3 cups crushed graham crackers

2 cups chopped walnuts

1 bag mini chocolate chips

Hershey bars

Pre-heat oven to 350.  Cream together butter, brown sugar and half & half.  Mix in 3 cups of crushed graham crackers, chopped walnuts and mini chocolate chips.  Stir well. 

Grease mini muffin tins or use mini papers.  Fill cups with cookie mixture.  Bake for about 8 minutes.  These cookies have the tendency to stick, so use plenty of grease and don’t let them cool in pan for too long.

Frost cooled cookies with melted Hershey bars! J

K.S.'s Italian Cookies

5 tsp baking powder.   
2 stocks butter
1 c. Sugar               
5 c. Flour.               

1/2 tsp. salt

6 eggs

1 tsp. vanilla

3/4 Sambocca.

Melt butter. Beat eggs  than add sugar, cooled melted butter, salt, vanilla, b. powder and Sambocca. Mix well.
After mixing add flour 1 c. @ a time. Then roll in hand into a ball1 inch in size. Place on an ungreased cookie sheet. Flatten slightly with thumb . Bake @ 350 for 12 minutes bottom should be golden brown.... Not top.

ICING
2 c. Powdered sugar
1 tsp. Sambocca
Boiling water as needed

Mix to paste. Put on cooled cookies and sprinkle with colored dots Let dry completely( 1 hr) then can be packaged and frozen until ready to serve.

W.Y.'s Cinnamon Tea Cakes

2 cups all-purpose flour

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon , divided

1/4 teaspoon salt

1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, softened

1-1/2 cups confectioners' sugar , divided

1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

Makes:  About 3 dozen cookies.

Preheat oven to 375°F. Line cookie sheets with parchment paper.

In small bowl, combine flour, 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon and salt. In large bowl, beat butter, 3/4 cup sugar and vanilla until light and fluffy. Add flour mixture; mix only until combined. Drop by tablespoonfuls onto prepared cookie sheets, placing 2 inches apart.

Bake 8-10 minutes or until bottoms are golden brown. Remove to cooling grid; cool 5 minutes. Combine remaining 3/4 cup sugar with remaining 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon. Roll warm cookies in sugar mixture; cool completely.

Miss J.L.'s Peanut Clusters

12 ounce bag of peanut butter chips

12 ounce bag of semi-sweet chips

1 tsp. vanilla

1 12 ounce jar of roasted peanuts

Melt both chips in micro. Stir in vanilla and peanuts. Scoop spoon full of mixture onto wax paper. Chill.

Miss K.K.’s Peanut Butter Bars

2 sticks of butter, melted

3 c. powdered sugar

1 c. smooth peanut butter

1 sleeve of of graham crackers, crushed

12 oz. package of semi-sweet chocolate chips

Melt butter in microwave. Stir in sugar, peanut butter and graham crackers. Spread and press into 9x13 dish. Melt chocolate in microwave. Spread evenly over peanut butter mixture. Place in fridge until cool enough to score. Score slices and return to fridge to harden completely. 

Shelley's Oatmeal Scotchies

1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour

1 teaspoon baking soda

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1 cup (2 sticks) butter, softened

3/4 cup granulated sugar

3/4 cup packed brown sugar

2 large eggs

1 teaspoon vanilla extract or grated peel of 1 orange

3 cups quick or old-fashioned oats

1 2/3 cups (11oz package) butterscotch flavored morsels

Preheat oven to 375F

Combine: flour, baking soda, salt and cinnamon in small bowl.  Beat butter, granulated sugar, brown sugar, eggs and vanilla extract in a large mixer bowl. Gradually beat in flour mixture.  Stir in oats and morsels.  Drop by rounded tablespoons onto ungreased baking sheets.

Bake: for 7 - 8 minutes for chewy cookies and 9 - 10 minutes for crispy cookies. Cool on baking sheets for 2 minutes; remove to wire racks to cool completely.

Makes about 4 dozen cookies.

Mama Teacher’s Soft Almond Sugar Cookies

1 1/2 C white sugar

2/3 C butter (cold)

2/3 C shortening (room temp)

2 eggs

2 tsp almond extract

2 3/4 C cake flour

1 C all purpose flour

1 Tbsp cornstarch

2 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp salt

sugar in the raw (I like raw sugar for this, but any coarse sugar would work)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees and prepare baking sheet.

Cream sugar, butter and shortening.  Stir in eggs and almond extract.  Combine flour, cornstarch, baking powder and salt and add to butter/egg mixture.  Use electric mixer to ensure dough is thoroughly combined.  Chill dough in fridge for 30 minutes.

Roll 2 tsp of dough (I used a small cookie scoop) into a ball and roll in raw sugar.  Place on prepared pan.

Bake cookies for 7 minutes.  Remove from oven and gently press rounded tops of cookies flat with the back of a spoon while the cookies are still warm and pliable.  The cornstarch will keep the dough from spreading, so this step just makes them look better!

Return remaining dough to fridge in between baking each batch.

Allow to cool on pan for 1 minute.    Remove to cooling rack.  Allow to cool completely.

A tip:

~DO NOT bake longer than 8 minutes!!  They may seem under-baked, but when they cool they will firm up.

J.D.’s Russian Tea Cakes

2 sticks softened unsalted butter

1/2 cup confectioners' sugar

1 tsp vanilla

1/2 tsp salt

2 1/2 cups flour

3/4 walnuts, finely ground in food processor or blender

2 cups confectioners' sugar for coating

Heat oven to 400 degrees

Beat butter, sugar, vanilla and salt until blended

On low speed beat in flour and walnuts until blended

Roll dough into 1 inch balls and place 2 inches apart on ungreased cookie sheets

Bake 10 min (cookie may crack slightly)

Roll hot cookies in remaining 2 cups sugar until coated and cool on cookie rack.  Once cooled roll again in confectioners' sugar.   Enjoy!!

Mommy Hungry's Irish Cream Delights (from Penzey’s)

1/4 Cup butter, softened (1/2 stick)
1/4 Cup shortening
1 Cup sugar
1 TB. Irish cream liqueur (more if you like)*
1/4 tsp. baking soda
1/4 tsp. CREAM OF TARTAR
1/4 tsp. salt
1 egg, beaten
1 tsp. PURE VANILLA EXTRACT
13/4 Cups flour

Frosting:

3 TB. butter, softened
2 TB. Irish cream liqueur*
3 Cups powdered sugar
3 TB. half & half

Preheat oven to 350°. In a large bowl combine the butter and shortening and beat on medium speed for 30 seconds. Add the sugar, liqueur, baking soda, CREAM OF TARTAR and salt and beat until combined, scraping often. Add the egg and VANILLA and mix well. Stir in the flour. Shape the dough into 1-inch balls and bake on ungreased cookie sheets for 8-10 minutes or until lightly browned. Cool on a wire rack.

Frosting: Mix the butter and liqueur until combined. Gradually add the powdered sugar. Beat in the half & half until smooth. Frost the cooled cookies.

* Feel free to use whatever coffee-based liqueur you like. We mixed our own with 2 TB. strong coffee, 1 TB. cream, 1 TB. whiskey and 2 tsp. VANILLA SUGAR. You can also leave out the whiskey, if desired.

Yield: 4 dozen

Miss J.S.'s Chocolate Crinkles Recipe 4 tablespoons (56 grams) unsalted butter 8 ounces (230 grams) semisweet or bittersweet chocolate, coarsely chopped 1/2 cup (100 grams) granulated white sugar 2 large eggs, room temperature 2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract 1 1/2 cups (195 grams) all-purpose flour 1/4 teaspoon salt 1/2 teaspoon baking powder Topping: 1 cup (110 grams) confectioners (powdered or icing) sugar, sifted Chocolate Crinkles: In a heatproof bowl, placed over a saucepan of simmering water, melt the chocolate and butter. Remove from heat and let cool to room temperature. In the bowl of your electric mixer, fitted with the paddle attachment (or with a hand mixer), beat the eggs and sugar until thick, pale, and fluffy (about 3 to 5 minutes). (When you slowly raise the beaters the batter will fall back into the bowl in slow ribbons.) Then beat in the vanilla extract. Add the cooled chocolate mixture and beat until incorporated. In a separate bowl whisk together the flour, salt, and baking powder. Add dry ingredients to the chocolate mixture, stirring just until incorporated. Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate until firm enough to shape into balls (several hours or even overnight). Preheat oven to 325 degrees F (165 degrees C) and place rack in center of oven. Line two baking sheets with parchment paper. Place the sifted confectioners sugar in a shallow bowl. First, form the chilled dough into 1 inch (2.5 cm) balls, and then roll each ball in the sugar. Make sure each ball is completely coated, with no chocolate showing through. Place the sugar-covered balls on the prepared baking sheet, spacing about 2 inches (5 cm) apart. Bake cookies for about 8 to 10 minutes or just until the edges are slightly firm but the centers are still soft. (For moist chewy cookies do not over bake. Over baking these cookies will cause them to be dry.) Remove from oven and place on a wire rack to cool. These cookies are best eaten the day they are baked. Makes about 3 dozen cookies.

A Difficult Conversation

We told the kids this morning, wanting to talk to them first before they heard it from others. Bud's first question: Does that mean 20 moms were waiting at home and their kids didn't come? 

Sob. 

But we hugged and reassured and said they could ask us anything and it was okay to be sad. Because, I said, all the adults in the whole country are sad this morning.

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Resources for talking to children about the shooting in Newtown, CT:

• Tips for Talking to Children about the Shooting and Resources:  Talking and Teaching about the Shootings in Newtown, CT, NYTimes--good solid intro, the latter with several resources culled from numerous tragic events
• How Not to Talk with Children about the Sandy Hook Shooting, NYTimes Motherlode--I especially liked the worried thought/brave thought
• Talking with Children about News, PBS.org--this has great age-related suggestions
• Helping Children Cope after a Shooting, National Children's Medical Center--a helpful pdf
• Coping with a Traumatic Event, Center for Disease Control--practical tips for routine and normalcy
• A National Tragedy:  Helping Children Cope, National Association of School Psychologists--great, long lists of suggestions
• Helping Children Cope with Tragedy-Related Anxiety, Mental Health America--tips broken down by age
• How to Talk to Your Children about the Shootings, MSNBC--shares National Mental Health Association's suggestions
• After the Tragedy:  Helping Young Children Heal--Early Trauma Treatment Network
• Parent-Teacher Tips for Helping Preschool Age and School Age Children, National Traumatic Child Traumatic Stress Nework