Last week at my ENT appointment, the doctor, who has met Mama during our last several appointments, said my husband and I would have a great time at Harry Potter world. I corrected him instantly, "Doctor, it's my wife! You've met her." And he apologized for making assumptions . . . and being forgetful. It happened at my dermatologist check up again today, but I didn't bother to correct him, even though he's met Mama and treated our kids. It doesn't bother me; if anything, I'm amused, but most of the time, I pay it no mind.
So I wondered what the woman whom I assumed was a lesbian at church on Sunday thought. I've had several conversations with her in the previous months and, while I knew she had a somebody, she had never said who. And she looked like a dyke (oh, as I type this it seems so retro)--slim, short hair, multiple piercings, always pants and a plain button down. And she's a counselor, for heaven's sake--social work and psychology being big with lesbians of a certain age. But on Sunday, she finally said a name . . . which I didn't hear because of this darned continued sinusitis and ear pressure. So, I said, "What was her name?"
"Oh, his name is--."
I'd done it. I'd assumed and gotten it wrong. I laughed, waved my hand, apologized--should you apologize for thinking someone is gay? Or straight? She laughed and smiled, too, and we kept talking for awhile longer.
But my mind was turning. Did she think I had only talked to her because I thought she was a lesbian? Had I? Would things change now that I knew she wasn't? Why did it matter in casual conversation or friendship? But doesn't sexual identity matter? And, how had I gotten that so wrong? Has that happened to her before? Is she okay with being thought of as gay? Is this kind of mistake something to be offended over? How often am I wrong? Or right? Is this how all those straight people feel when they miss-guess about me? How long do they think about it? Do they worry I think they are prejudiced or whatever? What's the best way to smooth over the awkwardness? And shouldn't us LGBTQ folk come up with a special sign so that we can avoid all this?
It was definitely a teachable moment for me--the first time I think I've ever assumed incorrectly about someone's sexual identity outloud to that person (well, I've thought LGBTQ people were straight, but then that's not as uncommon because of the whole passing/closet thing; actually, my gaydar is pretty weak and I just usually manage not to misspeak or assume. Can we even talk of gaydar in the 2010s? It's not the butch/femme 50s. Is it a post-gaydar world?). I'm still working out what it means.
But I look forward to seeing her at church again.
Ah yes, I think we all "make assumptions" at times, we are only human. And yes, no matter how hard we try, people will always have ideas of what a lesbian, gay man, straight person, mean person, ugly person, or a pretty person looks like. I think you did well. I would have done the same, continued to talk. It doesn't matter really unless the person is a total jerk. And if so, then why bother anyway? I have a friend whom I've know my entire life. She dated men and then one day she told us she was gay. Did I ever once think she was gay? No and that is only because she dated men. But when I think back now I see "signs" that she was, but only because (she's older then me) I've been conditioned to "see" what a gay person "looks" like. As a child, teenager I didn't "see" anything but my best friends cousin who I thought was the coolest. As I got older and "learned what a gay person looks like" God I even hate writing that, then I saw the stereotypical ideas of what a "lesbian looks like" in her. I agree with all your questions, I think many people have the same thoughts after similar situations I know I would.
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