Better Already

Sis is feeling much better this evening.  I'm sure it has a lot to do with rest, but perhaps even more to do with her brother.

They have missed each other these last two days that Sis was home sick (though they aren't even in the same class anymore, only seeing each other on the bus and in passing.) Yesterday, she made him apple pie to welcome him home after school!  For his part, he opted to stay at our house with the babysitter instead of going to the babysitter's house, so that Sis, whom I said had to stay here, could play, too.  Today, Sis bought candy for him at the store and hid it for him to find. Now they're downstairs with their heads together playing Minion Rush or something.  So sweet.  I hardly feel like enforcing screen time limits with such camaraderie and so they are well over their daily limit.

Witnessing (and at times fostering) their close relationship has been one of the greatest joys of being their mom.

The Referee Takes a Time-Out

(Beware: mixed, probably incorrect, bad sports metaphors below.)

I'm tired of being referee.

It's thankless, tiresome, ineffective, frustrating.

But it's my only play in the game.

And I never win.

All day, the kids come running to me complaining about the other, or I go running to them trying to prevent some physical aggression or hurt feelings. It's the worst kind of triangulation, even when our "time ins" revolve around what they should be saying to each other. I desperately try not to take sides, play favorites, whatever, and only want to give them the skills to work things out for themselves. But I'm not gaining any yardage on the field.

Everyone tells me to only get involved if there is blood or the like. I forget the catchy phrases, like "only squeal if it's real." But of course, everything seems real to them. And nobody tells me what to do the umpteenth time Sis knocks over Bud's building or Bud bumps into Sis. Just let them go at it? And what to do when they ask for help? Ignore them? Throw them back in the game with no plan?

That's what everything I read would seem to say to do. An article in this month's Psychology Today on siblings--a fascinating read if you are part of the 82% of Americans who have one--says:

Sibling conflict is necessary, inevitable, and an instrument of self-definition that has a correctable course over time. But parents often subscribe to a short view: They prefer peace in the house. They want their children to be close (or at least quiet). What's more, parents invariably claim they treat their kids equally, even though children can't possibly experience their care equally, as they are at different levels of understanding.

So, if I want to minimize my impossible though well-intended role of treating different children equally so that it is perceived as equal by them, I need to stay out of the middle. And apparently that will be better for them when they grow up, because if they do not reconcile childhood sibling issues they are likely to repeat them. The article contains fascinating (though probably only new to me) information about the discovery of personal identity through sibling conflict, sibling trajectory (the notion that you repeat childhood roles into adulthood but also that sibling relationships follow a normal rise and fall in closeness--and that it's normal for middle-aged siblings not to be close as they raise their own families. They seem to come together again when there are family crises), the effect of parental affection differentials (which are apparently obvious to babies!!), the effect of birth order, and how rare it is for siblings to experience the same family the same because of age differences and circumstances (like divorce). The article never talks about twins, which would be a special subset of the sibling equation, but I can extrapolate the importance of letting kids work out these issues by themselves. Nowhere does the article imply that a meddlesome mom makes things better.

So, I'll be heading back to my bookshelf to re-read Siblings Without Rivalry, which wasn't as applicable when I read it when the babes were toddlers. And remembering all my NVC training. Because I'm just not sure where the line is (especially because I remember the NYTimes article from a few years ago about bullying among siblings being dangerous and all to common). And it's hard to stand by and watch them hurt each other. It's like by just standing aside, I'm condoning it somehow. How do I give them the tools they need without making them rely on me to use them? Is it too early to expect them to work all of this out by themselves with a good outcome (as opposed to the stronger twin always wins?).

There was a glimmer of hope while I wrote this post, though. Sis and Bud were playing a "bobcar" (not sled) race and needed boxes. But Bud also wanted one of the boxes to use for a present for his critter Tango. He and Sis were fighting over the last box. He came in wailing because she took it and so we went back to talk about how they could compromise. When they couldn't come up with anything, I took the box and walked away, leaving Sis happily playing and Bud bereft. Sure, it wasn't completely hands-off because I tried to walk them through working it out; I'm trying to walk the middle path here. About 10 minutes later, realizing she wasn't having as much fun by herself or perhaps that he was still upset, Sis came to me and said Bud could have the box, she wouldn't fight about it. So I said they could have it back and she took it to him. They've been playing alone for an hour.

GOAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But I'll be keeping my red cards on hand just in case life in the Hungry house becomes a contact sport.