Saving Time

We have a new system here at the Hungry household for doling out much-coveted screen time:  the kids earn 30-minute increments of screen time by being outside for 30 minutes.  That doesn't mean they can cash in their earnings anytime, only that when they are given the opportunity for screen time they have to pay for it.  If they haven't been outside during the week, they won't have anything banked for screen time on the weekend (we only allow screen time on the weekends, unless unusual circumstances arise).  This would not apply to family viewings or activities, i.e. they don't have to "pay" for our Saturday movie afternoons.  We just wanted both a way to encourage them to go outside (they enjoy being outside, but they're usually resistant to the actual transition to going outside, having fun once they get there; often they just stay outside after school but the chill has been chasing them in immediately) and a way to emphasize that screen time wasn't a given. We haven't decided if their earnings can be removed for consequences--if you hit your sibling, do I take away 30 minutes of screen time that you had already earned?  I don't like taking away earnings, but it's one of the only things they value and is a privilege not a right.  When we just say we're going to take away screen time on the weekend, with the consequence coming sometimes days later than the inappropriate behavior, we forget or it loses its efficacy.  This way it is immediate and tangible.  I don't want the 30-minute tickets to become bargaining tools--they earn them only for going outside, not for chores or anything else--or punishment, though.  Hopefully, it's very straightforward (and I imagine I won't be taking any away; we'll see, but they've been testy and testing recently).

Now, the big trick is:  do adults have the same restrictions?  I surf constantly, usually on my smartphone, to the point that I sometimes don't even realize I'm doing it. I restrict it when the kids are around, but it still sucks up time.  What if I earn surfing time not from being outdoors but from being on my treadmill?  That's incentive.  But am I honest or disciplined enough to conform to it?  It wouldn't cover "work" emails--for Girl Scouts, Reflections art contest, historic house volunteer work (an update on that soon!), or hospice work--or probably even blogging which is a specific activity with clear boundaries for me, but for Pinterest, FB, weather sites, random readings of the paper and other sites.  To help break the habit, I've been keeping my smartphone in my purse.  I don't need it out when I'm home, really only needing it for outings; otherwise, I have a computer and telephone here.

It's not exactly our New Year's Resolution, just a way to navigate computers and outdoors here at the least outdoor-appealing time of year.

Second Chances

I have started this post several times and can't figure out how to express myself about a situation that is either big or small: I am uncomfortable that my kids play videogames and spend too much screen time instead of playing outside or even actively together when they play with the neighbor boy.

I like the boy. I like his parents. And, in general, I don't believe I need to or should intervene in my kids' play with their friends.

Okay, that last bit can't possibly be true. These are helicoptered, policed kids whose only friendships have so far been orchestrated and overseen by me. But they're five. That's part of my job. But my job description is changing and I think I'm having trouble adapting. Again.

I guess the truer statement would be that I don't want to be one of those moms, with too many rules, meddling instead of trusting her kids. I think they need to navigate their friendships on their own, with me watching from the sidelines for support, guidance, and only the occasional intervention.

But is this one of those times to intervene?

Let me explain: yesterday was a holiday and all the kids were home. Sis, Bud, and I had made cookies in the morning and then gone outside to play our new game of "podracer scooter," where they race along the sidewalks pretending they're in X-Wings fighting the evil Galactic Empire, which is blowing up planets with the Death Star. Soon enough, neighbor boy appears and, instead of heeding my suggestion to continue to play outside, they all go into his house.

Let's stop here. I know already that I was probably a mite hurt that they abandoned me to play with him. That all my posturing about playing outside is just that.

I went over about a half-hour later to find them watching Star Wars and eating on the couch. I don't object to their seeing Star Wars because we'd actually watched the ending for the umpteenth time that morning. But I had told the neighbor boy no when he had asked if they could watch it. Not because I object to the movie or even them watching together but because I thought they should play instead.

See, my judgement, my values, my opinion of what was best. When, maybe, bonding over their favorite film with their favorite neighbor was just what they wanted.

And I messed it all up.

So the neighbor boy suggested they watch Twilight together.

Twilight. The tween/teen vampire flick.

No way.

And I panicked that they could've done just that and I wouldn't have known. Or worse, in my mind, watched Empire Strikes Back, which he then suggested. I want to be the one to watch that with them. Yep, my issues. My control.

And then he said they would just play videogames.

In general, I like this kid. Sure, he says "Oh My God!" and "Dang it!" more than I like, dubious exclamations that Bud has now adopted. But he's a nice kid. Even with his God and Jesus hang up. He's not mean, aggressive, violent, or rough. And he likes my kids. And my kids like him. And I like his parents, who are friendly, casual, liberal, live-and-let-live types.

Who let their boy watch more tv, movies, and videogames than I allow. We do about an hour of screen time a day, all media combined. And I think that is enough for now. Though, I'll admit I feel the allure of the DSi for Sis and Bud, and a burgeoning struggle with them over how much is too much videogame time. It doesn't help that I don't see the attraction of videogames at all, never having been into them, having missed that boat as a tween. Mama, who has her own videogame addiction and her own DSi games, has tried to explain it to me, but it is as foreign to me as baking (or blogging) for fun would be for her.

So it comes down to this: should I manage this relationship tightly? and if so, how? They played about 4 hours together yesterday and only a little of it was inside screen time. But only because I intervened. And I'm wondering if I should have. The boy's dad was doing his own thing and didn't care about screen time (his one comment: "he plays outside when we go camping but won't go outside at home"); his mom was at work. Maybe I should've just let them watch Star Wars or play Mario Kart instead of insisting they play outside or something more active. Maybe instead of controlling the activity, I should've set a time limit. Or maybe I should've just butted out. I mean, what damage could one four-hour screen marathon have done? Maybe I should've waited to see? But I panicked in a jumble of conflicting emotions about friendships, mothering, responsibility, their growing up and leaving me behind, being the cool mom, etc etc etc.

They did finally have a really good time outside. Sis and Bud got to try his two-wheeled scooter and his skateboard while he practiced riding a bike with his dad. And then they played various yard games before coming inside to build marble runs and racetracks. All good, interactive, healthy play that is better than screen time. For now. In my mind. But I know that is judgmental and out of touch with how today's kids usually socialize. But I see and read about how too much screen time can be so detrimental to children's mental, emotional, physical health.

People, moms all, though at different stages, I spoke to yesterday basically all said it was my job to watch my kids' friendships and limit what I find unacceptable. Sure, I get that, especially about sex and drugs and late nights and keeping curfew. But does that mean I need to practice on videogames? Do they? Videogames in moderation? How do you enforce that at someone else's house without causing real, unnecessary, hurtful conflict with your own kids, the other kid, and/or that kid's parents? Isn't experiencing how other people do things an important part of growing up? What's acceptable? What's not? When can the unacceptable be a learning experience? For us all . . . .

In the end, I don't think any of it was a big deal for the kids, who spoke more about making cookies at dinner than anything else, which I have to admit made me feel so good and so guilty all at the same time. I'm glad it wasn't "how Mom ruined our holiday," even though that's how I felt; there's time for that, though. We did agree on a new family rule: if you're going to watch a movie, you have to ask Mom first.

I hope they do, too, soon. I think I need a second chance at this.

Later. When I have figured more of it out.