Sugar Coma

Miss T and I did our Cupcake Tour of NYC today and had a wonderful time.

However, I am in a sugar-induced coma from eating my way across 4 bakeries, one teahouse, and a chocolate shop, so I will post at length about the fun tomorow.

I'll say only two things now:

• Miss T's cupcakes are better than any we tried today: more creative flavors, better crumb, with a decorative touch. Now, if she'll only try to make a Lady Baltimore for me!!
• Thank you, Mama, for making our detailed itinerary map!

Have sweet dreams!

I will.

Crime and Punishment, or Good Behavior and Sticker Charts

I came to the discussion on Motherlode late but am intrigued by the commotion about discipline, bribery, cash changing hands. It all sounded like a bad tv movie.

No, it's parenting.

Motherlode blogger Lisa Belkin had posted a snippet from another blogger (Amy O) on NYC Moms Blog that described how she had begun to give her kids a dollar a day if they behaved (it's more complicated than that but you can follow the link above to learn all the details). Fourteen dollars was a small amount to pay for peace, she rationalized. Apparently, Motherlode's commentors went nuts. I always enjoy the comments as much, if not more, than the posts on the NYTimes blogs (including Domestic Disturbances by Judith Warner). My two favorites, verbatim:

• Poor parenting skills that only the privileged can afford.— Carol
• So is the rest of the world is supposed to keep bribe money handy to keep Amy O.s misbehaved kids from acting up?— James

I didn't read all the comments but according to a later post by Belkin, several people mentioned Alfie Kohn's theories on parenting children, set forth in such books as Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason and Punished by Rewards. He differentiates between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation, stating that by focusing on external/extrinsic motivation such as sticker charts, rewards, and cash bribes, we are actually decreasing children's intrinsic motivation and hampering our own efforts to create lasting good behaviors (see the link above for a long transcription of his comments).

Personally, I don't yet have an opinion on rewards, charts, bribes, etc, but now have several vantage points from which to consider it, having only used a potty chart for a bit with ambiguous results. Apropos to us, this all comes at a time when Bud and Sis are obsessed with sticker charts. Oh, sure, when we had a potty chart with stickers, they weren't much interested. They didn't care much about stickers when they didn't want to pee on the potty and didn't care much about stickers when they did want to pee on the potty, but put stickers on the chart at other intervals. I guess that means they had intrinsic motivation. But you see, now Sid the Science Kid did a whole episode about charts and data as one of his science tools. And since the kiddos are obsessed with Sid (I like him too because he sings "I love my mom/my mom is cool" which they will repeat!), they now love charts. Yesterday, Bud insisted on making a chart to mark off when we take vitamins. He even drew in all the horizontal grid lines himself! Then he greatly enjoyed watching me check off a week's worth of days (not grasping the whole concept, he wanted me to check all the squares then and there). He's very protective of his chart, has put it on the refrigerator with a strong magnet, in a visible spot; then he likes to show it to people. Tonight, we made sticker charts . . . just to make sticker charts. Sis filled hers with a variety of Dora stickers (after I made the grid) and Bud carefully placed animals stickers in the grid he drew himself. They even had me make one. And then we hung them all up on the fridge.

I guess Alfie Kohn would be okay with these charts, though, because they don't represent any kind of reward or punishment system. They just are.

I know Sid the Science Kid would be proud.

I am.

Baby Love

They knew a surprise was coming because I had told them when I left last night that I was going to an arts and crafts meeting. I promised to show them what I made. Sis desperately wanted to come with me, but was at least happily distracted by Mama's being home early.

And so this morning, the first thing out of Bud's mouth was "What did you make?" And as soon as Sis joined us, I showed them their baby books. One of the first pages has a picture of me, Mama, and the babes in their blue bouncy seats, probably only a week or so old. Bud said, "Aren't they cute?" Sis repeatedly showed various pictures of herself to us, saying "Aren't I cute?" We went through each book at least twice. They were so pleased, so proud, so excited to see pictures of themselves. Bud especially liked the picture of him dressed as a pumpkin for his first Halloween, sitting right next to his now second-favorite bunny Jo (for the record, Bud has Meg and Jo; Sis has Amy and Bess, which is how she says it. I named them, before we had kids. Sis always likes to hear how Mama gave me the bunnies when I was pregnant and then I gave them to the kiddos). A mere coincidence. Sis was a little disappointed that there was no corresponding baby picture of her with Amy, but she was pleased to see Shirt (especially since we didn't include the picture of Bud wearing Shirt when it was still just his shirt).

I don't feel guilty that it took so long to get the books to a presentable state because they probably wouldn't have appreciated or cared for them properly. But I am inspired, we both are, to keep working on the photo albums. It was such fun to choose the pictures, to remember their babyhood, to see how far we've all come.

How To Be A Better (fill in the blank)

For whatever reason (and I'm not going to take it personally), several people have recommended a variety of self-improvement, psychology, and parenting books to me recently. For the record, while I'm always interested in new or useful tools for navigating life's challenges, I don't like being made to feel inadequate so that I will pay for a book or system to make me better (which is why I don't like most parenting or women's magazines). I like my advice free or at least cheap (and value it as such until it proves successful), without any guilt or inferiority complexes attached. For the most part, these pass the initial screening:

• Loving Guidance: My mom pointed me towards this website after a long disclaimer about how she knew I was a conscientious parent and probably didn't need it but wouldn't I like to take a look. I did and found Dr. Becky Bailey's Top Ten To-Do's For Discipline a decent list of parenting techniques. I am a little wary of doctors whose goal seems to be the selling of expensive programs and materials to schools and parents. But that doesn't mean that the strategy is inherently suspect. Her main goals seem to be empowering the child with his or her own behavior management (such as, when another child wrongs them and they come crying to you, ask "Did you like that?" The answer is, of course, "no." And so the child is encouraged to go tell the perpetrator. We have been telling the kiddos that they need to talk to the person that can fix the problem. Same thing). As with all approaches, consistency and thoughtfulness really are the key. Trust yourself, respect the child, consider the Wiccan Rede/Golden Rule (or the similar rule of your spiritual path). In the end, we won't know how we have really done for 30 years or more, as my friend Lambeth reminds me constantly (and he can--his children are all grown). But until then, if these strategies--or those of Alfie Kohn (more on him in a later post about charts), Sears, Brazelton, Dr. Spock, Marshall Rosenberg (Nonviolent Communication), or even Super Nanny--help, go for it.
• Personal Renewal: Personal Renewal Groups (PRG), an offshoot of Renee Peterson Trudeau's The Mother's Guide to Self-Renewal: How to Reclaim, Rejuvenate, and Re-Balance Your Life, are a flexible life-coaching system designed to explore "1) how to reconnect with who you are, 2) strategies for making self-care/nurturing a priority so you can live, love and parent optimally and 3) how to experience greater life balance." As you know, I am in a state of transition, with a friend moving and the desire to reconnect with my professional, academic self; my mom friends are in a similar state of flux. And so, one of us who hopes to become a life coach wants to start a PRG. I'll participate, if only because I 1) like to socialize with my adult friends without the kids around and 2) would like to talk about something other than kids (and sex. Why are those always the two topics??)
• Seven Choices: My mom has also recommended Elizabeth Harper Neeld's Seven Choices: Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World. It sounds a lot like a self-help Year of Magical Thinking or a more recent Necessary Losses. According to the author's website, this book, which was distributed by the American Red Cross after September 11, 2001," maps the complete grieving and change process and provides a way to respond to change by identifying seven positive choices that lead to a 'new normal.' These positive choices bring healing and stability and show how to avoid getting stuck in mourning, anger, bitterness and sadness." I'm interested in pastoral care and would find this fascinating, I think. My mom raved about her writing style and her message, which is big praise from a woman who doesn't read self-help books either.

Any other suggestions from the hoi polloi?

Triple Threat

Me. Babysitter. Sis.

Sis woke up at 5:15 am coughing.

Waking up Bud.

They didn't go back to sleep.

A Taste of Home

When all else fails, eat something comforting.

It wasn't healthy. It wasn't Core. It wasn't good for sinus congestion.

But it was good.

Milk Toast

1 tablespoon butter
1 tablespoon flour
1 cup milk
2 hard boiled eggs
2 pieces of toast
grated mild cheese, optional
salt, pepper

Brown flour in melted butter, until thick paste. Add milk slowly, forming white sauce. Add cheese, egg, and salt and pepper to taste. Pour over toast.
Mom

Crying Over Spilt Milk

And a broken bowl. And spilt uncooked scrambled eggs. And spilt iced tea. And the dinner that didn't finish by the dinnertime.

Sometimes, crying is the only thing that works.

Friends Don't Let Friends . . .

. . . use glue.

So, we're having craft night tomorrow and I'm taking the opportunity to finish our baby books. We've printed 50 photos and I queried my scrapbooking friends about the best glue to use.

Au contraire.

You don't use glue anymore. You use these snaily double-sided adhesive thingies. I wasn't going to buy a gadget, just a little glue stick, but I'm assured that it is a). not expensive and b). much superior to glue.

So, thank you wisecraftwomyn for the glue intervention. I didn't realize that it made that much of a difference.

(And thank you Miss T for getting me a snaily thing since I won't be getting out before tomorrow night).

Because I'm Bored (and sick)

[This is from a recent email that's been going around playgroup. I'm going to try it in blog form. Tag, your turn.]

YOU'RE IT! If you opened it, you have to do it.Then, send it back to the person who sent it to you and the rest of your friends!

Two names you go by:
1. Mommy
2. Hon

Two things you are wearing right now:
1. black pants
2. black sweatshirt

Two of your favorite things to do:
1. bake
2. crochet

Two things you want very badly at the moment:
1. my babysitter
2. a nap

Two favorite pets you had/have:
1. Hermione
2. Albus
(gotta choose the ones here now!)

Two people who will definitely fill this out:
1. Mommy Goose
2. Miss T
(Doesn't quite work in blog form; let's see who else posts her answers)

What have you eaten today:
1. cereal
2. black bean soup

People you last spoke to:
1. Sis
2. Bud

Two things you're doing tomorrow:
1. making a pot pie with my friend Miss L
2. going to craft night

Two favorite holidays:
1. Christmas
2. my birthday

Two favorite beverages:
1.root beer float
2. iced soy chai

Here is what you're supposed to do ... well, in this case, just post your answers on your blog!

Double Ugh

Our beloved babysitter just called. She's sick too.

Ugh.

Ugh.

I had a whole list of things to do today, had intentionally come home straight from drop off this morning to put the kids' dinner in the crockpot so I could run errands this afternoon until the moment Babysitter had to go home. So, no glue from the craft store for scrapbook night, no ingredients for the snack I was taking, no new pants since I never have enough, no dinner makings for Mama and I (I was going to make Mama Teacher's soup and I need a can of beans), no wellness workout (I was going to attempt the treadmill, even with a cold), and hardest of all no coffee break while reading Unredeemed Captive, my book on the repercussions and ramifications of the Deerfield Massacre in the early 18th century (yes, Mom, years later, I'm finally getting to it).

Actually, Babysitter gave me a choice. She just has a cold and she knows how I rely on her. But I couldn't make her come out in this weather, or risk the kids catching it. So I told her to stay home.

At least Sis was thrilled I was staying home. "You can pretend to be Babysitter."

Two's A Charm

Quickly, a few more lessons I have learned from having two kids, in addition to my previous post on the subject.

• You will never know who did it. You will have turned your head for a millisecond and then they will both be crying. And you won't know what happened or "who started it." You try to figure out whom to send to time out but in the end you tell them to "work it out." Because of course they both did it.
• You will rarely get a good picture of both of them together. And if you do, you will have taken 20 pictures before that.


• There will always be a split decision. It's like living with a Republican and Democrat. They see things differently. They want different things. That includes dinner, tv show, playing outside or going inside. Sometimes they do it just to be contrary. How to cope? Well, for now, we have taught the kids "eeny meeny miney moe," which they like so much they request it. Think it would work in Congress? Who cares, we won!


• A caveat to the "different but equal rule": just because you buy something for one (new coat, shoes, underwear) doesn't mean you have to buy something for the other one (because sometimes they just don't need a new one yet). Just don't ever do it while they are watching. You're Santa Claus/Easter Bunny/Tooth Fairy, you need the practice being sneaky anyway.


• Moods are contagious. Crying begets crying; giggles create more giggles. This can work in your favor. Or not.


• Dress the kiddos in the same color if not the same shirt when you are going out in big places or crowds. It makes it easier to find them and then you need only remember one color.


• Regardless of what they eat, they will always poop within 5 minutes of each other. I swear.

Ugh

I don't feel well. It's not major, not enough to go to the doctor or beg Mama to take a day off from work. But with a headache, sore throat, sinus congestion, and just a sense of malaise, I'm already not coping well today, and it's not yet 8 a.m. Apparently, it's going around. Miss T's post says she's under the weather too. I hope we both get well soon. Until then, at least it's Thursday with school in the morning and babysitter in the afternoon. I just have to muster the energy to actually get them out of the house.

Old Agism

We just had a warm visit from one of our church friends, who said she had been meaning to come by for 2 1/2 years. This friend was one of the first we got to know five years ago. She even invited us to her house for dessert that Thanksgiving, having known us only a few weeks. We loved her mincemeat pie and now try to make one every year. She also had us over for a quilting lesson, which helped with the completion of my first quilt.

Today, she stopped by with books for the kids and some homemade marmalade for me. She says she just boils up any kind of orange in sugar while she is sterilizing the jars and then--BAM!--yummy, homemade marmalade. No stress, no fuss. Of course, she's probably been canning for years, in addition to quilting and cooking, but it's inspiring to be reminded that things that seem so foreign or challenging can be quite easy. She's always so calm and relaxed. I never know what she's going to say and she's never what I expect from someone her age. I have made this mistake before. Yes, like most members of younger generations, I can be agist, but I have certainly learned how wrong that is. Now that I'm older! But often it seems that her approach to life and to parenting have been way ahead of what I think of her time. Though, maybe that's because I've been wrong in my assumptions about her time all along.

So, I'm glad that she came and sat with us for an hour and that the kiddos, who were busy eating for the first half of the visit but played with her during the second (probably surprised to see someone from church in our house), got to spend extended time (and not just fellowship at church, where they know several of our older lady contingent) with someone from another generation, someone who isn't quite old enough to be their great-grandmother, but almost. Especially because, to use a phrase from my generation, she's so cool. And her marmalade is great!

Projects Ending and Projects Beginning

I finished my blanket! Yep, during our 3 hour rest time today, I finished the last section and then edged the whole thing. Yippee! This means I might actually get to the Christmas stockings for Mama and me that I've been meaning to make. (And then, in a delusional moment, I imagined making a quilt for Mama for Christmas. Without her knowing. Right.)


But, more urgently, we spent the evening choosing pictures for the baby books, which I will work on at all-night crafting on Friday. We picked about 50 for the two books and got really excited about eventually doing albums of the last 3 1/2 years. Though, I wouldn't be able to finish that project during a year's worth of rest times!


So many projects, so little rest time.

Food is Always Better When Someone Else Cooks

I love eating at other people's houses, and not just because I don't have to cook. I really like trying new foods (and acquiring new recipes). Today, we went to Mama Teacher's house for lunch, since we were all off for Veteran's Day. She had made a delicious Core (thank you!) vegetable soup for us. And Mr C made the kids his world famous grilled cheese sandwiches (with real butter!). It was a delicious lunch with friends.

And almost best of all, she loaned me the cookbook!

-=-=-=-=-

Winter Vegetable Soup

1 tablespoon olive oil
1 cup finely chopped onion
3/4 cup finely chopped carrot (about 2 carrots)
2 garlic cloves, minced
2-14.5 oz cans Great Northern beans (cannellini), rinsed and drained
1-14.5 oz can diced tomatoes, with liquid
2 cups cubed Yukon Gold potato (about 10 oz)
2 1/2 cups water
2-14.5 oz cans vegetable broth
1 teaspoon dried Italian seasoning
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1-10 oz package frozen chopped spinach, thawed, drained, and squeezed dry (she left this out--the right decision, I think)

Heat oil in Dutch oven, over medium-high heat. Add onion, carrot, and garlic; cook, stirring occasionally, 4 minutes or until onion is tender. Stir in tomatoes and next 7 ingredients. Bring to a boil; cover, reduce heat, and simmer 40 minutes or until vegetables are tender. Add spinach; cover and cook 5 minutes.

Weight Watchers Annual Recipes for Success 2003 (3 pts a cup)

Chocolate Park

Sis loves chocolate. Chocolate cake. Chocolate frosting. Chocolate pudding. Chocolate milk. Chocolate chip cookies. Chocolate candy.

And so I told her about the "chocolate park," or Hershey's, PA. I said it had chocolate food, chocolate games, and chocolate rides.

She is ready to go.

In truth, we had long considered heading out to PA to see friends near Philly, so going to the chocolate park was not too far out of the realm of possibility. And definitely more interesting to me than Sesame Place, even if I don't particularly like Hershey's regular chocolates (I do now like some of their new dark chocolates, the Cacao Reserve line; otherwise, it's too sweet and waxy). Mama isn't much into chocolate (I still love her, though: more for me!) and hasn't been that wild about heading west. But now I have someone on my side, an irresistible and persistence preschooler.

Sis and Bud even made their own "chocolate park" this morning. The spread nighttime diapers all over the floor and then stood at the door taking tickets. We then danced around the diapers like stepping stones, our "chocolate game." We ate some chocolate and then played somewhere.

Come on, what could be better than that?

My Day at the Spa

For my sister's birthday, she went to a swanky spa in Austin; one of the best in the country, I was told. Massage, hot tub, a very relaxing treat for a very busy woman.

I just had a spa day, too. I have them regularly. Well, the mommy equivalent. Sis and Bud love playing with lotion but run out of places on their little bodies for it. But I have plenty of space, so they rubbed my feet and legs and hands and arms. Bud got my cheeks, which meant I could enjoy the nice lavender scent all day.

But there was more--they did my hair! I love to have my hair brushed or washed, my head rubbed. I think I got one brush of the hair, a few rubs of my head, and the tingly sensation of Bud pulling out my barrette, which he doesn't like. I almost, almost, got a back rub when they started playing with my necklace.

I think this must have been the teaser package.

(It should be noted that turnaround is fairplay. I could almost never be cajoled into scratching my mom's feet or rubbing my dad's back. Oh, I understand the agony of the half-rub/scratch.)

Inside, Outside

Bud just asked for two pairs of booties. For inside and outside shoes. Sis had taken both pairs I'd just pulled out for dress-up. For inside and outside shoes. Now they are wandering around the downstairs, stopping at various "houses" and changing their shoes, just like I do when we come and go from the house.

Christmas Wouldn't be Christmas Without Any . . .

. . . carols.

I just went carolling.

Not sure how Sis came up with the idea, but she distributed various critters around the house, and then packed her bunnies in the stroller, picked up some sheet music off the piano, and had me carry the cake to pass out. We sang her original composition, "Happy New Year All the Way" at each house and then gave them a piece of cake. Bud carried his "running penguin" aka Little Big Pengy, swaddled in a tablecloth, and also his jingle bells for playing along.

'Tis the season.

A Salute to Veterans

My thoughts go out to our veterans today, past and present, active and retired, overseas or at home. Particularly, Miss T's husband, the first soldier I've ever known, and those with family in the military, including Mama Teacher and a friend at church.