Sound familiar? That sums up my often lackadaisical approach to much self-improvement, from dieting to exercise, NVC to meditation. I'm a good starter but then lose focus even though I think I want it, know I should. And then I wonder if I'm doing it right, though I've been assured that really there is no "right." Fischer, too, says:
Better to assume the Soto Zen attitude that meditation is what you do when you meditate. There is no doing it wrong or right. That is not to say that there is no effort, no calm, no focus. Of course there is. The point is to avoid falling into the trap of defining meditation too narrowly, and then judging yourself based on that definition, and so sabotaging yourself. You evaluate your practice on a much wider and more generous calculus. Not: Is my mind concentrated while I am sitting? But: How is my attention during the day? Not: Am I peaceful and still as I sit? But: Is my habit of flying off the handle reducing somewhat? In other words, the test of meditation isn’t meditation. It’s your life.
So, as with many things, I pick up and start again. And since pledges work well for me, as we saw this spring with the bread pledge and my continuation of baking our bread, I'm pledging here to meditate every morning for the next 40 days, getting up before the kids to do it or at the least, doing it when they are in school. First for 5-10 minutes each day, increasing each week by 5-10 until I can do 30. I'm following Karen Maezen Miller's writings on how to meditate, as I was first introduced to zazen through her: start small (just a few minutes), count my breaths, realize that the brain thinks and so it is impossible to turn off thoughts, better just to acknowledge them and let them go.
Fischer says to ask, “How was that? Was it pleasant or unpleasant? What impact did it have on my morning, on the rest of my day, on my week?”
So far so good, today. I'll keep you posted on how it goes.
That sounds right. When I started, the friend that taught me meditation suggested that you need 20 minutes a day to see effects, but that it's better to meditate every day as a regular practice, even if you aren't up to the 20 minutes, i.e., 10 minutes a day is better than an hour once a week. That gave me a baseline that I've stuck to, but I don't have kids, so it's easier. Sitting with a group also helps motivate me.
ReplyDeleteMy Zen teacher kept saying that same thing about my practice being solid, even though I was stuck on my first koan for five years, because I was calmer and happier and, yes, more free. So, good on ya! Just sit there for the amount of time you decided, and you've meditated.
Wonderful!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing this! I tend to judge my meditation and get frustrated.
ReplyDeleteThis is just what I needed to hear now. Thanks for the inspiration.
ReplyDeleteI just blogged on this myself. Russill Paul, teacher of spiritual chant, author, and previous monk and yogi, advised this on a retreat just this last weekend: just sit for a minute. The minute will grow. You'll manage to sit longer. Don't watch the clock. Just sit and do nothing.
ReplyDeleteHere's the link: http://findingmygrounduu.wordpress.com/2010/08/25/sitting-still/